


All in his Head

by FrankieFandom



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alpacas, Altered Mental States, Angst, Aphasia, Autoimmune disease, Bed-Wetting, Broken Bones, Coma, Confusion, Cute boys, Delusions, Drooling, Dystonia, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Glasses, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Incontinence, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Masturbation, Medical Procedures, Medication, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Original Character(s), Mood Swings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Plot Twists, Police, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Psychosis, Recovery, Restraints, Seizures, Suicide Attempt, Surgery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, sick!Casey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 60,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: Has it all become too much for Matthew Casey?
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Comments: 294
Kudos: 149





	1. Sick

**Author's Note:**

> Quick note to say that like most of my stories, this isn't strictly canon. There's no Dawson, Shay's alive and well, Cruz is still on Truck and Matt's TBI never happened. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed seeing it in my head.

Kelly was sitting at the island counter in the kitchen he had shared with Matt for almost a year. He had the radio on and there was a fresh mug of coffee in his hand, he was idly flipping through the latest copy of _Firefighters Monthly_ , glancing out of the window to their small back yard ever so often. There was a small knot of worry in his stomach, there had been for a couple of days, but when he heard the jets of the shower start, the knot eased a little and he took a sip of of his drink.

When Matt appeared, hair damp and clothes smelling like the fresh linen detergent he preferred, Kelly smiled. "You look so much better," he greeted, beaming.

Matt raised his brows. "Oh, now that I've showered for the first time in forty-eight hours?"

"Because you're smiling," Kelly said.

"Well, I don't feel sick anymore, no wonder I'm smiling," he retorted.

"Herrmann will be happy you can still compete in that boxing match," Kelly told him as he stood up to pour Matt a mug of coffee.

" _I'm_ happy I can still do that! It's not for a few weeks anyway, I'll be fighting fit, and worst case, I could have just thrown up on my opponent," he teased.

"Well enough for work tomorrow?" Kelly asked him.

"Of course," he responded, gratefully accepting the warm drink from Kelly as they both sat down.

"Of course," Kelly repeated with an eye roll.

"I saw that," he announced indignantly.

"Wasn't hiding it," Kelly retorted, chuckling.

"I just hope you don't catch whatever I had," he said seriously, thinking how close he and Kelly had been over the last couple of days. He'd been throwing up almost non-stop to start with, until there was nothing left and dry heaves had wrecked his body, unable to breath through his stuffy nose and barely able to drink the water Kelly forced down every few hours.

"You probably ate something funny," Kelly suggested.

"Oh, yeah, that pasta was cracking jokes at me before I ate it the other day," he teased, eyes sparkling with mirth.

Kelly chuckled. "You are feeling better."

"Were you worried about me?" Matt asked him, smiling.

"Of course I was, you idiot!" he exclaimed.

"I was only a little sick," Matt responded.

"You're _never_ sick!"

He shrugged self-deprecatingly. "Thank you for looking after me," he said, as if it wasn't something he'd expected.

"It's part of the whole boyfriend package," Kelly explained, amused.

"Still; thank you…"

Kelly just smiled, moments like that tore at his heartstrings, there were always small reminders showing him how they'd had very different lives growing up.

* * *

Roll call was over and done with fairly swiftly the next morning. Matt strolled into the common room after hanging back, speaking to Boden about having his rig sent in for its annual service in a few weeks; it would be falling on his watch. He wasn't pleased about it, Boden had sympathised but there was nothing either of them would be able to do about it, Matt just hoped they didn't get the same old replacement rig they'd been given before.

He was lost in his own thoughts as he headed over to the coffee pot. He groaned inwardly when he realised a fresh pot needed making, annoyed at the person who'd finished it before him. The rule was to make another pot when it was empty, he gritted his teeth and said nothing though, it was only a minor inconvenience.

"You're not infectious, are you, Lieutenant?" Herrmann asked when Matt sat down opposite Kelly with his coffee. News of his illness had spread like wildfire once Kelly had informed Shay.

"He better not be," Kelly spoke, glancing up from his magazine

"I did tell you to sleep in the spare room," Matt said. He was desperate to take a sip of his coffee but he knew it would be scolding hot. Another reason that whoever had finished the pot should have made more.

"Ah, nope, nope, nope, no bedroom talk!" Herrmann announced, shaking his head. Otis and Cruz looked at him with amusement.

"How much action do you think we got up to?" Matt asked him uncharacteristically open. "Not being able breathe through my nose and throwing up every half hour isn't exactly the sexy look I tend to go for, Herrmann."

Kelly let out a snort of laughter at Herrmanns awkwardness and went back to the article he was reading.

"You're still doing the boxing match, right?" Herrmann asked him.

"I wasn't on deaths door," Matt retorted. "I was barely sick."

"You're _never_ sick," he responded.

Kelly smiled but didn't look up.

"I'm still gonna thrash PD for us, don't worry, Herrmann," Matt told him, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

The alarms rang out a few moments later, calling for Truck 81 and Ambulance 61.

Matt never ended up drinking the coffee he'd made. It didn't go to waste though; Kelly had swapped it for his own empty mug not long after Matt had left the common room.

* * *

Matt closed the back of the ambulance doors, and watched as it sped off in the direction of the hospital. It had been a quick extraction; a singular vehicle had collided with the foundation of a bridge. The victim seemed well enough but Shay and Rafferty decided it was best to get her checked over, and she'd agreed, leaving 81 to clear up the scene so the road could be reopened.

He started the clean-up process with the rest of his crew, he'd always been one to set a good example, but annoyance rippled through him when he saw Otis and Cruz standing still from the corner of his vision. He stopped what he was doing and look over to them; they were standing by the edge of the road, chatting and laughing.

"Hey! You two! The city's not paying you to stand around chatting!" he called over to them, fed up that he was having to do some of the work they should be doing. He was their lieutenant after all.

He turned his back to them and knelt down again to pick up part of a bumper when he heard them sniggering, saying that Matt couldn't function without any coffee in his system. He dropped the bumper and turned to them.

"I heard that!" he yelled, scowling.

Otis and Cruz shared a confused look but carried on with the clean-up.

By the time they arrived back at the firehouse, Matt was thoroughly annoyed with his whole crew, and despite how he wished to shower and changed, he got them all doing an hour of ladder drills once they'd taken off their gear. Kelly and the rest of Squad, along with Engine, had been sitting out on the apron in the sun, watching them hard at work, cracking jokes at Matt's demands until Boden came by, hinting that it would do them some good to do some drill practice as well.

* * *

Matt had always had headaches, ever since he could remember, and they were the one thing he'd happily swallow down some painkillers for, having learnt that they'd never just go away on their own. They'd interfere with his mood and concentration, sometimes they were worse than usual, but they were never as bad as the blinding pain he felt when he woke up at home a few days later.

He groaned involuntarily, waking Kelly from his light sleep.

Kelly rolled over as he woke. "Baby?" he croaked out wearily.

Matt just moaned.

He pushed himself up and was peering down at Matt now, heart racing. "Matty… what's wrong?"

It took all the effort in the world but Matt managed to lift his arm, moving his hand to his forehead, keeping his eyes scrunched shut the whole time.

"You have a headache," Kelly said in realisation, keeping his tone hushed. Quickly, and quietly, he got up, and closed the curtains that were usually just for decoration over the blackout blinds, blocking out the small bit of light that was creeping through the edges. He then tiptoed across the wooden flooring, stepping over the board that creaked, and opened the door so there was just enough space to creep out without letting too much light in.

He returned with some strong prescription painkillers, barely used and probably a little past their best before date, from when Matt had managed to dislocate his shoulder a couple of years ago. He offer Matt the pills along with the fresh glass of water he'd brought, helping Matt take them as he kept his eyes closed, and had struggled to sit up.

Kelly remained lying by Matt's side as the painkiller slowly but surely started to kick in, he stroked his bare arm soothingly, hoping it was providing some comfort.

Matt's eyes eventually fluttered open, he gazed wearily at Kelly for a while before speaking. "Hi," he began, smiling.

"Hi," Kelly repeated, smiling back at him.

"Sorry about that," Matt responded, referring to the bother he thought he'd caused when he'd woken in pain.

"We all get headaches," he said. He knew there was never much point in telling Matt there was no need to apologise for things that were out of his control.

"Should I make us breakfast in bed?" Matt asked.

Kelly shook his head. "No."

"No?"

"I'll do it," he responded.

"I don't want you to move, you smell really good," Matt responded.

"You would have had to move if you made breakfast," he pointed out.

"Yeah… well, maybe breakfast can wait. You look amazing right now..." Matt replied huskily.

"Only right now?"

"Always," Matt said.

"That's more like it," he responded, leaning in and giving Matt a gentle kiss.


	2. Fat

Matt and Kelly stepped through the threshold into Molly's and headed over to the bar. They'd all had a tough shift that had finally ended earlier on that day, when another couple of crews came and took over the overhaul for them. They were all grateful, and when Matt and Kelly had finally returned home they'd been lay happily in each other's arms on the couch for so long that when Matt needed to get up, his movements had almost been clumsy, his arms and legs felt weak and tired, but he'd quickly recovered and managed to shower whilst Severide slept. Even after their tough exhausting shift, Matt struggled to find sleep. He'd always had periods of insomnia throughout his life, but the past few weeks had been worse than ever; even struggling to find a few hours sleep during daylight hours. Kelly, of course, had noticed, he'd even gone out and bought him some herbal remedies, but Matt didn't tell him they hadn't worked, he didn't want the man to worry.

When Kelly had eventually woke, he didn't feel like going to Molly's at all, but they both felt obliged, and knew they'd enjoy it once they actually got there. He'd teased Matt, telling him that he'd made their house far too cosy to ever want to leave again after the shift they'd had.

Everyone greeted them cheerily when they reached the bar, pleased to see them, and grateful for their actions during their shift together. Herrmann was behind the bar, asking what they wanted to drink, and Kelly saw Shay and Rafferty over in the far corner, he gave them a smile and turned back to the bar.

"Should you be drinking?" Herrmann was asking Matt, holding onto one of the beers he'd grabbed out of their refrigerator for them.

Matt looked at him, confused.

"You have to weigh-in before that boxing match," Herrmann commented, glancing at Matts midsection.

"Hey! If you want me to fight so badly you should be offering me free drinks, never mind telling me to watch my weight," he retorted in mock offence.

"Fine, here, but only because you knocked that firestarter out in one swift punch," Herrmann said, passing Matt the beer.

"You know that was four years ago, right?" Mouch piped up. "Have you even been practicing?"

"Wanna find out?" he asked, almost squaring up to Mouch, no hint of a joke on his face.

Kelly chuckled. "Woah, hold on tiger," he said, putting his arm across Matts chest, and Mouch relaxed. "C'mon, let's have a civilised drink over with the ladies."

"Have I even been practicing?" Matt repeated scathingly as Kelly led him away. "I've been at the gym four days a week since I was… since mom…" he trailed off. A close friend had suggested boxing as a way of venting his anger and frustration when he was younger, it had worked, and he'd kept it up ever since.

Kelly gave Matts arm a comforting squeeze, but he shrugged it off, disappointing Kelly, because he wished he could offer him some comfort when it came to his past. It was so rare that he even mentioned his parents and every time Kelly's heart would ache.

"Hey, guys," Rafferty greeted them, raising her glass a fraction as they joined her and Shay at the table.

"Recovered from shift?"

"Think Kelly would have happily slept until tomorrow, he was dead to the world an hour ago, had to drag him out," Matt said, teasing Kelly, who'd sat down next to him.

They all chatted for a while, then Kelly reached the bottom of his bottle. "I need another drink, anyone else?" Kelly asked as he stood up.

Shay asked for another of the same, but Matt was still drinking his first beer so he declined.

"Rafferty?"

"Nah, I should get going," she responded. "Nice seeing you guys…" She bent down and gave Shay a quick hug goodbye, grabbed her purse and left them as Kelly walked over to the bar.

Shay let out a contented sigh and put her hand down on Matts bare arm, smiling.

"It is nice to see you two here," she told Matt. "You don't come as often as when it first opened."

"Bit odd to hang out with our crews _every_ time we go out," he responded.

"Ah, yeah, true," she conceded.

Matt glanced over to Herrmann at the bar, he was sorting Kelly's drinks out.

"Hey, erm… do you think I've gained weight?" he asked Shay quietly.

"What?" she asked, surprised at the question.

"Do you think I'm getting fat?" he rephrased, putting his hand on his belly.

She smiled, resisting the urge to laugh. "No, Matt."

Matt was looking down at his shirt now. "My top's so tight though…" he responded.

She frowned; it was like he was looking at a completely different image to her. "Doesn't look tight to me. Maybe you're feeling bloated? I do when I have too much dairy," she suggested.

Matt was too focused on the buttons on his shirt, running his hand down them, to hear what Shay was saying, but Kelly quickly returned to their table, placing their drinks down. When he realised Kelly was sitting next to him, he turned to him. "Can we head home?" he asked quietly.

"Erm, sure," Kelly responded. "Let me finish my drink though… you all right?" He'd just noticed how uncomfortable Matt looked, running his hand up and down the line of buttons on his shirt.

"I just want to go home," Matt said and Kelly put his beer down. "It's fine, finish your drink."

"If you want to go we can go," Kelly told him, conscious at how Matt had mentioned his mom not too long ago, and wondered if there was something on his mind now.

Matt forced a smile. "Finish your drink. I'm fine," he insisted before looking back down at his straining shirt.

Kelly gave Shay a questioning look, but she just shrugged in response. He downed his beer and they said their goodbyes to Shay, along with everyone else as they left the bar. Matt was unusually quiet, just following in Kelly's footsteps. He drove Kelly's car home since he'd had less to drink, Kelly wasn't over the limit but he knew Matt liked to drive his car, and he always liked to make him happy, especially since something seemed to be going on with him tonight.

* * *

When they arrived home, Matt when straight to their bedroom. Kelly went around shutting the blinds and curtains and then found Matt standing in front of the mirror, topless, in their bedroom. His hand was on his smooth abdomen. Kelly watched him for a few moments, Matt hadn't even realised he was no longer alone.

Kelly couldn't stand the hurt look on Matts face any longer. "Herrmann really got to you?" he half questioned.

He didn't respond, focusing on his reflection in the mirror.

"Matt," Kelly began, walking over to him now. He put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey…"

He turned to Kelly. "Do you still love me?"

"Still?" Kelly repeated. "I could never stop loving you."

Matt turned back to his reflection. "You're just saying that because you have to."

"What's put these thoughts in your head?" he asked, pushing a few strands of Matts hair behind his ear.

"Have I let myself go?"

"Go?"

"Look at me," he responded, still staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Kelly was rightly confused. He couldn't see anything different. "Your hair's a little longer than you usually have it, but you had to cancel your appointment when you were sick the other week. If it's bothering you, I can get my trimmers on it?"

He knew Matt was a very self-conscious person, he never wanted to stand out and was much happier in the background. In the background, Kelly realised, that Matt didn't have to face any personal questions, although he was incredibly skilled at deflecting anything that was remotely personal. At first Kelly figured that Matt didn't trust him, it was a rough patch at the beginning of their relationship, but Herrmann had been surprisingly insightful during one late night alone in the common room, although the man didn't always think before he spoke, and publicly displayed an awkwardness around the two lieutenants relationship. He had watched Matt interact with others throughout the years, and the rare moments when he took off his truck lieutenant mask and became _just Matt,_ and he managed to offer Kelly some useful advice.

Matt didn't hide his worries and feelings from Kelly because he didn't love him. He did it because years of emotional, and physical, abuse had taught him it was one of the only things he could do to keep himself safe. So, when Matt admitted his worries, even in passing, Kelly realised what a big thing it was for him, and he knew that Matt loved and trusted him.

"What do you think? Need me to style these blond locks of yours?"

Matt smiled and turned to him, shaking his head. Happy in Kelly's close proximity, feeling his soft breaths on his bare skin.

"Ok, good, 'cause I can't promise it would have looked any good!" Kelly responded. His hands brushed over Matts hips as he went to hug him. "Want a snack? I'm going to make something…"

"Not hungry. Come to bed with me," Matt suggested, twisting in Kelly's grip so he could face him.

"It's not… oh… ok, that's better than a snack."

"A Matt Casey snack," he said, grinning.

Kelly chuckled, already leading him over to their bed. "Love a Matt Casey snack."


	3. Boxing

Kelly always enjoyed making dinner with Matt, he was a good cook and he liked to watch him work, and loved to listen to Matt as he explained everything. Even though Kelly would always say he'd never be any good, so that wasn't much point in showing him. Matt didn't listen though; he knew Kelly was good at cooking in his own right.

"Diced finely enough for you?" Kelly asked him, showing him the shallots.

"Perfect," he responded, taking them from Kelly and sprinkling them into the dish, tongue poking out between his lips in concentration.

"What d'you me to do next?"

Matt shrugged. "Grab a beer, sit down, almost done here," he told Kelly.

He didn't object, he turned an took two beers from the refrigerator, opening them both and placing one by Matt on the counter. He left Matt to it, but it wasn't long before his name was called through the house; dinner was ready.

Kelly had already set the table, so he switched some music on and sat down, smiling when Matt appeared with the food.

"This looks so good," he told him gratefully. "Thank you."

"You helped," Matt responded as he took a seat.

"Hardly," he retorted.

"Well, you can cook tomorrow, those steaks Boden gave us need eating," Matt said. "Tuck in…"

Kelly smiled, taking a mouthful of food, nodding appreciatively as Matt picked up his own knife and fork. They spoke a little as they ate, letting each other know their work plans for the next few days, both of them were fairly busy with their second jobs given it was summer, they always made sure to make plans together though, even if it was just an early morning run.

Kelly was finishing off his food when Matts cutlery clattered to his plate. "What the hell?" Matt exclaimed.

Thoroughly confused, Kelly looked at him. "Matt?"

"What did you just say?" Matt questioned, anger across his face.

"Matt…"

"No, you said…" he stopped, frowning. "I…"

"I didn't say anything… are you all right?" Kelly asked.

"I have a headache," he said simply, standing up and leaving the room without another word.

After Kelly tidied up, he headed into their bedroom. Matt was curled up on his side of the bed, Kelly could tell he wasn't sleeping, but he didn't want to disturb him too much so carefully joined him on the bed, getting behind him so he could wrap his arms around his frame comfortingly.

* * *

The day of the PD versus CFD boxing match arrived. Matt was sitting on the bench in the changing room, Kelly and Herrmann were talking to him, but he wasn't paying them much attention, he could hear the sound of the crowd through the closed door, along with the man commenting on the current match that was taking place. He was next in the ring.

He pulled the zip on his dark grey sweater up, he'd changed out of his clothes earlier on but had put the sweater back on to keep warm, and despite how much Kelly loved his body, he didn't want to have his top off for any longer than the match itself. He was drumming his closed fist on his thigh.

Hermann caught his attention once the crowd outside died down again. "All right, lieutenant, this guy is…"

"Herrmann, quit it, Matt's got this," Kelly told him. "You've got this, right?" he asked, turning to Matt.

Matt nodded.

"All right, it's time," Kelly told him.

Matt stood up from the bench and headed out of the changing room. Herrmann and Kelly walked by his side.

"How much you got riding on this?" Matt asked Herrmann as they reached the crowd.

Herrmann stayed silent.

When they reached the ring Matt unzipped his top, Kelly took it off him and passed him the gum shield. He whispered to him. "I love you, babe; you've got this." He clapped Matts shoulders and sent him into the ring.

Suddenly there was a burst of applause and Matts arm was being held in the air, he blinked, trying to get his bearings as he caught his breath. Kelly was heading over to him with a grin plastered on his face and suddenly he was surrounded by everyone.

Kelly's voice spoke through the chaos. "You ok?"

He nodded, spitting out his gum shield. His head was throbbing, his body ached.

"Well done, baby, you were amazing… and you look so hot right now," Kelly ended with a whisper.

"I won?" Matt questioned, a little dazed.

"You thrashed the guy," Herrmann said, grinning. "Drinks are on me."

Everyone cheered around them.

"Just Casey's," Herrmann clarified. "None of you lot helped out with this. The lieutenant here was risking his good looks and teeth."

"He'd probably still look good without a tooth," Otis said, rolling his eyes teasingly.

"Back to Molly's then!" Herrmann announced.

"Home, shower," Matt said to Kelly, who agreed.

They said their farewells to the others in the parking lot, promising that they'd come by Molly's later on in the evening. After Matt had showered and dressed, Kelly sat himself in front of him, dabbing at his cut lip with some antiseptic as Matt held an ice pack to his tender jaw. Kelly gave his forehead a gentle kiss once he was done.

"How's the rest of you doing?" Kelly asked him. "Sore? Guy got quite a few hits in during the first round."

Matt smiled. "I let him," he said, although he couldn't remember much at all.

He raised his brows. "There was no cheating going on for Herrmann's betting pool, was there?"

Matt laughed at the idea. "No, don't worry, it wasn't fixed."

He leaned in for another kiss, but he stopped just shy of Matts lips. "We should get going."

"Only if you kiss me first."

* * *

Their winning celebrations at Molly's resulted in hangovers for several of the patrons, including Matt and Kelly, so their shift the day after seemed to drag, but neither were about to complain. Matt's head was still throbbing by mid-afternoon, but Kelly seemed to have recovered fairly swiftly, Matt teased him, telling him he was just more accustomed to working when hungover.

Kelly was sitting at the squad table when Truck drove back onto the apparatus floor, he relaxed, always pleased to have Matt in his sight. They'd been out on the call for a couple of hours, and although Kelly knew Matt could look after himself, even the simplest of calls could turn out to be something major.

He gave Matt a smile as he jumped out the rig, but focused back on the card game we was playing with Tony and Capp.

"Think Casey might want you," Tony said after a while, nodding over to where Matt was now standing alone. The rest of 81 had long since gone.

Kelly looked up and frowned. Matt was standing still, seemingly looking at nothing. He left the others to the game. "Hey…" he began as he reached Matt.

Matts eyes widened when he realised Kelly was now with him. "Huh?"

"Look like you've seen a ghost, you all right?"

Casey glanced around; there was no one else on the apparatus floor, and he wasn't even sure how he got there. He could have sworn he'd been in his rig on the way to the scene of a motor vehicle accident.

"Matt?"

"What time is it?"

"Almost dinner," Kelly told him. "Hungry?" he asked because his own stomach grumbled at the thought of some food.

"Erm… tired…" Matt said dismissively.

"Hey, you're not getting ill again, are you?" Kelly asked him, gently putting the back of his hand on his forehead. "You feel a little warm."

Matt shook his head. "Drank too much last night, and I've still not been sleeping well recently."

He leaned back and took in Matt's features. "You must be tired to admit that. How about we go out for a nice breakfast after shift, then spend the rest of the day on the couch? I can blow off the work I was gonna do for another day."

"Sounds perfect."

"Kelly get back here before Capp looks at your hand," Tony called over, and with that Kelly gave Matts arm a loving squeeze and headed back to the squad table.

* * *

After spending the morning lazing around with each other, they decided the weather was perfect for a small barbeque so Kelly had gone out to the grocery store to pick up a few supplies. Matt had stayed home; he'd been engrossed in the end of the book he was currently reading so Kelly was happy to go out alone.

When Kelly arrived back home, he wasn't at all sure what to make of the sight that greeted him. Matt was sitting on the couch, right hand in his pants; he was jerking himself off.

He chuckled, grinning, as he put the grocery bag down. "Woah, babe, you couldn't have waited for me?"

Matt didn't reply and Kelly couldn't help but watch as he reached his climax, letting out the delectable noises he usually made when Kelly satisfied him.

When Matt was sitting still with a sated expression on his face, Kelly spoke again. "You couldn't wait 'til I got home?"

Matt looked at him with lust filled eyes, not at all self-conscious at what Kelly had walked in on. "You want to fuck me?"

"Yes," he responded. He couldn't deny being turned on by watching Matt pleasure himself.

Matt stood up, moving in front of Kelly and placing his hands on his shoulders. "Fuck me with your big thick cock then…" he urged.

Brows raised; Kelly smiled. "What book were you reading?"

Matt ignored him, leading him into their bedroom.

Kelly unbuckled his belt and slipped down his pants as he entered the bedroom, Matt was doing the same, they were both scrambling to quickly undress. Matt moved away, going over to the nightstand where they kept their supplies. Kelly was pulling off his top when he heard a thud. He whipped the shirt away to see Matt on the floor.

He was convulsing. His body was jerking violently, limbs dramatically hitting the bottom the bed and the nightstand.

"Matt!"


	4. Concussion

Matt could hear his name being called, it seemed too far away though. He couldn't grasp where he was, only that it felt like he was floating. It dawned on him to open his eyes. His lids were heavy and his body slow to react, but he managed it, and once he did reality hit him like a freight train.

His muscles ached, his joints pained him, his legs were wet, his mouth was sore and his head was throbbing fiercely.

"Matty…"

"Ow…" he moaned, closing his eyes.

"You're ok, you're all right," Kelly's voice reassured him.

"Wha… hap…"

"You had a seizure," Kelly told him.

"Seizure…" he repeated, slurring the word as he forced his eyes open again.

"How are you feeling?"

It took a moment for him to respond, everything still felt foggy, like his words were trudging through deep mud as he was trying to think. "Tired… what happened?"

Severide frowned but tried not to appear worried. "You had a seizure," he explained. "Think you can stand up? Get you to the hospital."

"No…" he moaned.

"Ok, I'll help you up," Kelly responded.

"No, no hospital, I'm just tired…"

"Matt, you had a seizure, that's definitely not ok," Kelly told him firmly.

"Be fine once I've had some sleep, promise, Kel," he insisted wearily.

"C'mon…" Kelly said, hauling Matt up to his feet and over to the bed.

"Where we going?"

"Get you checked out… here put this on." Kelly passed him his shirt from the floor.

"Check out? You checking me out? Am I hot?"" he asked, smiling lopsidedly as he slipped his shirt on.

"Pants," Kelly said, handing them to him.

Matt remained still, expression lost, so Kelly helped him to get dressed. With his sluggish limbs, Matt wasn't much help at all, but Kelly managed it eventually. He allowed Matt to relax on the bed as he got himself dressed.

"All right, let's go, yeah?" Kelly spoke, nodding.

"Where?"

"To the hospital," he responded.

"Nope."

"Yes."

Kelly ended up taking some of Matts weight, getting him off the bed and soon out the front door.

* * *

Matt had protested about going to the hospital three more times before they even got into Kelly's car, he dozed off during the short journey, and Kelly had to support him as they walked steadily into the busy ER. Kelly spoke to the receptionist, explain the situation as he held Matt upright. They were told to take a seat.

Almost an hour passed by.

Kelly had been constantly questioning Matt, making sure he wasn't feeling too sore, because he couldn't get the image of him convulsing on their bedroom floor out of his head.

He looked around the busy waiting room. "When is someone going to see us…"

"Kelly, I'm all right," Matt insisted. He was much aware now, he felt tired, but much more present and he could see how worried Kelly was feeling.

"I'm going to find someone that knows us…"

"Don't, I'm fine, this isn't really an emergency," Matt responded, trying to stop Kelly from getting up.

Kelly sank back into his seat. "You had a seizure."

"I'm sorry I scared you, I think I'm all right now," Matt said, giving him a smile.

"Matt, you had a seizure," he repeated.

Casey didn't say anything, but his eyes now showed his worry. He'd not put much thought into it, he'd been too out of it, and then too focused on making sure he was fine, or at least telling Kelly that he was fine.

"We'll get you checked over, it'll be all right," Severide said, an attempt to reassure him, because the look on his face was heart breaking.

Matt turned to him. "What if it's not all right?" he asked, revealing vulnerability that Kelly knew he wouldn't let anyone else in on.

"You said you feel fine?"

"Tired, achy, but fine… my head feels fine… I had a seizure…"

Severide took his hand. "It was pretty scary, and you really weren't with it after," he admitted. "But you're all right, you feel fine, not surprising your tired and sore."

"I'm sorry, sorry," he muttered.

"A double apology?" Kelly smiled light-heartedly.

"Sorry…"

"Triple!"

"Sor… stop it…" he moaned. "You're making me say it now, and you're just gonna tease me."

"I would never tease you."

Matt pouted and was about to respond when his name was called. "Matthew Casey; you can come through now."  
  


* * *

"I suspect a delayed concussion from the boxing," the ER doctor concluded after examining and speaking to Matt and Kelly for ten minutes. "You might feel a bit nauseous for a bit too, but you can go home, just make sure someone is with you for the next twenty-our hours. You can take some mild painkillers for the headache. No driving for 6 months though, let the CFD know, they might place some restrictions or give you some time off for a short while," the man said.

"That's it?" Severide asked him. "No tests or anything?"

"If you're worried you can make an appointment with your primary physician, but I imagine it's a one off, no need to worry," the man told Casey before turning and leaving.

"Delayed concussion then," Casey commented, looking to Severide.

"Yeah, see you're fine," he said, nodding. Not only wanting reassure Matt, but himself too.

"I was barely hit, but it makes sense…" Matt said, letting out a breath and relaxing a little. "Nothing sinister at least, not a tumour or anything… no driving for six months though…"

"We can deal with that, Boden will probably want to give you a few shifts off too."

"Yeah," he agreed. He let out another breath. "I'm fine," he said, nodding.

Severide gave his hand a squeeze.

"Sorry for all of this," he said apologetically.

Severide shook his head. "You didn't do it on purpose."

"Thanks for sorting me out. I'd be a mess if you had a seizure in front of me," Matt told him seriously.

"I think I just held myself together somehow, I was a panicking mess inside, honest," he responded. "Let's get out of here, shall we, my little concussed boxing champion."

"Little?" Matt retorted as he slid himself off the examination bed.

"Cute concussed boxing champion."

"That's hardly any better."

When they arrived home, Matts exhaustion was showing. It wasn't late, but it felt it, and Kelly had to help Matt into the house. He led him straight over to the couch, Matt murmured his thanks and let his eyes close, he'd dozed off again in the car and hadn't regained much of his senses since.

His eyes fluttered open when Kelly kissed his forehead. "Ready to become my burrito?" Kelly asked him, smiling.

Matt smiled back at him, eyes closed again. Kelly knew exactly how to take care of him; it made him feel so incredibly loved. He was still smiling tiredly as he felt Kelly wrap the first blanket over his aching body. When they moved in together it didn't take Kelly long to discover Matts love of throws and blankets, at first, he'd thought they were merely a decorative feature, despite large quantity in several locations throughout the house. Matt had been embarrassed when Kelly had first found him snuggled under not one, but three of them after a tough shift. There'd been no need for him to feel self-conscious though, Kelly had simply grabbed another one and wrapped it around the both of them.


	5. Books

A week had passed by since Matt had the seizure. Boden had given him a few shifts off, and told him to take it easy, that it was just a precaution, even so his chief only wanted him on light duty for another couple of shifts when he did return. Matt didn't protest, he didn't want to be a risk to anyone on his crew or be unable to help any victims if something happened. Although after an appointment with his primary physician, who found him in perfect health, Matt and Kelly's worries had been furthered eased.

Due to state laws, he was unable to drive for six months though, but Kelly insisted he was happy to drive Matt around, he'd have to reduce the number of construction jobs he usually took on, but he'd still be able to do a few.

Matt kept glancing at Kelly eagerly and it didn't go unnoticed. Kelly had said he'd drive him over to the library at some point during the day so he could return his books, and pick up some new ones.

"Fine, let's go now… can't stand you staring at me like that," Kelly said in mock exasperation. "Like a puppy wanting some cheese," he added, standing up.

Matt chucked, following him out of lounge area. "Cheese?"

"We had a puppy that really like cheese," he muttered quickly as he grabbed his car keys. "How long will this take?"

"I could spend all day there," he said.

"Nope, we are not spending all day there," Kelly responded, shaking his head.

"But please..." Matt mocked, giving Kelly his best childish voice.

"No way," he said, fastening the laces on his sneakers.

"You might like it," Matt told him, smiling.

"Why do we even have to drive all the way across town? There's one two blocks away," he pointed out.

Matt shrugged. "This is the one I've always gone to."

"Well, sometimes change is good, especially if it means we don't have to drive across the city."

"I can get a cab…"

"No, you're not getting a cab, I'm just moaning because…"

"Because you're a big ole' grump," he teased, grabbing a pile of used books from the side table. "It's not gonna take all day, promise. We can get lunch from somewhere nice after."

"Somewhere nice in that neighbourhood?" Kelly retorted.

"It's fine," he responded, rolling his eyes as he headed out the front door.

* * *

It took Kelly some time to decide where to park his car, worried about the rough neighbourhood, the library didn't have a parking lot and there'd only been some limited street parking in front of the building. Matt had suggested he wait inside if he was that worried about it, but in the end, they parked at a nearby firehouse, popping inside briefly to see the small crew that was on duty.

Kelly stopped outside the library entrance when they reached the doors. "Is this the last time I'm going to be able to speak?"

"Libraries aren't really like that, you know, especially nowadays, and there's not just books in here," he explained.

"Shhh…" Kelly teased.

"Stop it," he said, shaking his head. "And… be sensible in here."

"Gonna show you up in front of all your library buddies?"

Matt glared at him and then push the door open. He walked over to the front desk with a smile.

The elderly lady turned to see him as he approached. "Hi, Matthew," she greeted him. "Enjoy them?" she asked, glancing at the books he was carrying.

"Mostly," he responded. He passed her his library card and placed the books down on the counter.

"I wasn't convinced you'd like this one," she commented as she scanned one of the books in to be returned.

"It was classic on my list, felt obligated to finish it," he told her.

"Well, you can cross it off now," she said with a smile.

Kelly watched the two of them interact. He'd rarely seen this side of Matt, his general demeaner seemed open and relaxed. He was comfortable here, like he was comfortable at the firehouse, but even then, he would always have his 'lieutenant' mask switched on.

His thoughts were interrupted. "Who's this?" she asked, smiling.

"This is Kelly," Matt told her, glancing at him for a moment. "My boyfriend. Kelly, this is Doris."

The lady didn't respond right away, but she was smiling, studying him for a moment. "It's really nice to meet you, Kelly."

"You too…" he responded with a bewildered expression.

Doris placed the books on the return pile. "I'll see you in a little while."

Matt gave her a smile and directed Kelly away from the desk. "Librarians are friendly," Kelly commented as they walked away.

He nodded. "There's cosy seats scattered about if you just wanna chillout whilst I pick up a few books."

"I think I'll follow you around, watch you," Kelly said.

He glanced at Kelly, smiling. "Watch me?"

"You're nice to watch," Kelly told him.

Matt chuckled and went about finding a few new books to read.

An hour passed and Kelly would have been lying if he said he wasn't a little bored. He tried his best not to show it though because Matt looked like he was in his element, it was a sweet sight and it warmed his heart.

Matt was smiling at him, holding a pile of books. "You do look miserable. I'm done."

"I'm not miserable," he said.

"This hasn't been very exciting for you," Matt responded.

"Don't think libraries are supposed to be exciting."

"I'm excited to read these books I've picked out," Matt said cheerfully.

Kelly chuckled.

Matt glanced around. "I could make it exciting for you, if books aren't your thing. There's a private reading area behind those curtains. We could do it right here, in the library."

He chuckled again, but when Matt remained stoic-faced he stopped. "You're serious?"

Matt nodded.

"You're crazy, let's get out here," Kelly said, taking his arm, laughing again and leading Matt back to the reception desk.

Kelly stood by the entrance as Matt got his books checked out. He could see him chatting amiably to the receptionist again and realised she was probably the reason Matt liked to make the trek over to this library rather than one closer to home, he'd probably known her for a while. Kelly had never known Matt to buy a book, he'd been given a few as gifts, but he always preferred to borrow them.

"You're good for six weeks," Doris told Matt, sliding the four books over to him. "Don't be a stranger though."

"Thank you," he responded. "Things have been pretty hectic recently, sorry."

"Never apologise, Matthew. I'll see you in six weeks."

* * *

When they arrived together at the firehouse the next day, Matt was not happy. It was his first shift back after the seizure, and parked where his well-looked after rig usually sat, was an old rusted beast of a truck.

"Where the hell's my rig?" he explained as he walked up to it.

Kelly followed him over. "Didn't Boden tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"It's out for its annual service, thought you'd mention it to me?" Kelly responded.

"Well, I'd remember, wouldn't I?" he retorted.

"It's only for one shift and you're on light duty anyway," Kelly told him.

"That's not the point… why wasn't I told? Just because I had to have some time off?"

Kelly just shrugged in response, he didn't want to get into it, especially since he swore Matt was the one who'd told him about it in the first place.

Matt saw Herrmann walking through the double doors. "Herrmann, have everyone go over the rig and…"

"All done, Lieutenant," Herrmann told him. "Good to have you back," he added politely.

Matt looked at him questioningly. It had only just turned eight in the morning.

"Couple of us got here early," he explained.

"Thanks…" Matt said, although it sounded forced.

Herrmann headed out on the apron, leaving the two of them alone again.

"So, I was the only one who didn't know?"

"Don't think too much into it," Kelly commented, but it was too late; Matt already was.

* * *

Matt spend his shift mainly reading reports from when he was off duty, and getting some routine paperwork done. He'd tucked himself away in his quarters, each time he heard the alarms go off, asking for 81 he automatically stood up, only to realise he wasn't needed; Boden was covering for him.

Upon hearing his name, he turned to see who was at his door, but saw no one. He went back to his paperwork, but it wasn't long until he heard his name again. He stood up this time, frowning when he saw no one in the bunk room. Annoyance flashed through him but he sat back down and tried to concentrate on the form in front of him.

Matt heard his name again, accompanied by laughter this time.

He stormed out of his quarters only to find the bunk room was still empty, he went into the laundry room and over to the corridor, he couldn't see anyone. Anger had risen up inside him. He wasn't a candidate anymore; there was absolutely no need for any pranks. He was their lieutenant.

"Matt?"

He turned to see Kelly poking his head out of his own quarters.

"What are they playing at now," Matt moaned.

"Who?" Kelly asked him, heading over to meet him.

He let out a sigh. "Doesn't matter."

"Hey," Kelly said when he reached him, he gently cupped Matts chin since they were alone. "You ok?"

Matt nodded but it didn't convince Kelly.

"I've not seen you this on edge since we told everyone here about us," Kelly told him.

He didn't respond and Kelly watched him walk away. He gazed at Matt for a while, he was sure there was something going on with him. Kelly didn't want to make something out of nothing though, Matt was probably just tired, he still wasn't sleeping very well, his routine had changed since the seizure, and the seizure itself was still on his mind so he was sure it was still on Matts as well.

Kelly figured he was worrying unnecessarily; if Matt still seemed a little off in a week or so, he'd check in on him then.


	6. Laughter

A couple more shifts passed by, Matt was no longer on light duty and he'd been eager to get to the firehouse. Kelly couldn't blame him though, he'd had almost two weeks off active duty in total, and although Matt didn't mind the paperwork as much as Kelly, he had felt as though he'd been missing out. Even at home, because of the driving situation, he wasn't doing as much work as usual, not wanting to make things unfair to Kelly who also had his work at the boat yard to do. They'd both spent the afternoon at the boat yard yesterday and Kelly had enjoyed the company, but he knew Matt would have preferred to be working.

Matt was currently missing from the common room as everyone ate lunch. It wasn't unusual for him to get caught up with something, but nevertheless once Kelly finished his food, he went to find him.

He wasn't in his quarters but Kelly then discovered him crouched on the apparatus floor by his rig.

"Lunch's out," Kelly told him.

He startled. "Woah, make a noise next time," he teased, standing up now.

Kelly smiled and looked around quickly. He kissed Matt's forehead. "Go grab something to eat. This can wait…. What is it?" he asked, seeing the object in Matt's hand.

He turned the tube around so Kelly could see it.

Kelly chuckled. "Tidying up the paint work?"

"There's a scratch. I'm almost done," Matt explained.

"Where?"

"Right there." He pointed.

"Ok, well, come on, let's go…"

"You go, I'll be there soon," Matt said, smiling at him.

Kelly turned to go but stopped and look back at him. "No headache or anything today?"

"No, why?"

Because he couldn't see a scratch. "Just checking," Kelly responded, as he walked away his smile fell as his concern grew. His concern grew so much that by the time he returned to the common room he was considering speaking to their chief, thinking that Matt should probably still only be on light duty; there was definitely something going on, but he didn't know what, and he was no longer convinced he could put it down to Matt's lack of sleep.  
  


* * *

Matt headed to the common room not too long after Kelly had left, satisfied he'd done a good job blending in the scratch on his rig. He could hear everyone chatting as he headed through the corridor, and he could hear their laughter. He clenched his fists as anger rippled through him and without a single thought he stormed into the common room.

"That's it! I've had it! I was open and honest with you all, we didn't want to keep a secret from you! Thought we were all good enough friends, that you were all mature enough to deal with us being together. Apparently not. You're all gossiping like high schoolers and I've had enough!"

Kelly had been just as shocked as everyone else. He glanced around, seeing their confused and worried faces as he stood up. He approached Matt slowly and spoke quietly. "Erm… Matt?"

"What?" he snapped.

"Why don't we get some air?" Kelly suggested, going to touch Matt's arm, wanting to get him away from everyone.

Matt moved back as if he'd been shocked. "Don't touch me!"

There was noise from behind them both. Boden had appeared, clearing his throat. "Casey, my office please."

"You want to reprimand me?" he retorted, turning to face his chief. "Well, you can fuck right off. I did nothing wrong."

Before Boden could respond an animalistic sound came from Matt's lips. His eyes glazed over before rolling back and he fell to the floor convulsing wildly. It took a moment for everyone to realise what was happening, still shocked from their truck lieutenant's behaviour, but Matt was quickly surrounded.

"Give him some space," Boden ordered, realising that everyone had gathered. He'd been quick to push a nearby chair away, not wanting Matt to hurt himself as his muscles violently contracted, flexing and relaxing.

Matt's world was a blur of faces and navy legs as he struggled to see from the very corner of his eyes. His breaths had shallowed and everything had slipped from his control. He could hear Kelly and Boden but he couldn't respond, he tried to say something but all that came out was spittle. He could feel himself jerking violently, it felt like his limbs were going to be twisted off from his body. And then he fell limp on the cold floor.

The seizure felt like it had lasted a lifetime to Kelly when it was actually over in less than a couple of minutes. 61 had been called to a scene some time ago but Tony had taken the initiative to contact them over the radio; they were on their way back to the firehouse so they'd not called in for another ambulance.

Kelly was kneeling on the floor by Matt's side, he'd lost consciousness again once the convulsions had stopped, he had his hand firmly on Matt's shoulder now, not wanting to let go. Boden managed to get everyone else out of the common room, wanting to give Matt some privacy as he recovered from the seizure.

They were both relieved when Matt's eyes fluttered open. "Hey, hey, don't move, Matt," Kelly warned when he started to push himself up. He looked completely lost and thoroughly confused.

"You had a seizure, Matt," Boden spoke calmingly. "Shay and Rafferty are on their way, they'll check you over and get you to the hospital."

"You're all right," Kelly continued, reassuring Matt, but he just tried to pull away from him.

Matt's movements were clumsy and slow, but Kelly removed his hand, giving him space.

When Shay and Rafferty turned up with a jump bag and gurney, Matt seemed more aware but he'd not said a word.

Shay knelt down beside him, giving Kelly a once over as she did, she could see how worried he was and gave him a smile before addressing Matt. "Hey, Matt, how are you doing? Do you remember what happened?"

He looked at her blankly.

"Matt, do you know where you are?" Shay asked him, flicking her pen light into his eyes and gaging his reaction.

After a moment his eyes wondered around. He gave her a nod in response.

"Good. Can you tell me?"

"Ff… Ff…" Matt slurred, looking down.

"You're at the firehouse," Shay said.

Matt was trying his best to focus on Shay's face as he nodded.

Shay and Rafferty shared a concerned look as Boden managed to persuade Kelly to give them some space to help Matt.

Matt opened his mouth again, but said nothing.

"All right, Matt, let's get you up, we're going to take you to the hospital," Shay told him. "Do you think you can stand?"

"Do you think you can stand?" he repeated slowly.

"Shay, what's…" Kelly began, moving closer.

"It's all right, Kelly, everything can be super confusing after seizure, right Matt?"

Matt responded with a nod.

"Ok. Let's get you up," she said, smiling.

Together they helped Casey onto the gurney, he could stand but his movements were slow and weak. Rafferty secured the straps loosely over him as Kelly approached again. He quickly put one of the blankets over Matt's lap, wanting to give him some dignity, knowing how he'd feel about the whole situation when he became more aware.

Shay turned to Kelly and spoke quietly so Matt couldn't hear them. "He's really confused and tired, which is understandable, but because of that, it'll be best if there's just one of us in the back with him," she told him, knowing he'd want to come along to the hospital.

"We'll drive over together, Kelly," Boden said. "I'll put Tony in charge of Squad for now."

Kelly nodded numbly, just wanting to stay with Matt. He still looked so lost and confused, and Kelly was so concerned that something sinister was going on, despite the reassurances from the ER doctor after Matts first seizure.  
  


* * *

Matt slowly became aware that he was no longer at the firehouse. Eventually he managed to open his eyes to see a man he didn't recognise, but on hearing Kelly's voice his eyes wandered, struggling to find him, when he did, he opened his mouth the speak but nothing came out and he lost his battle with consciousness.

When he woke again, he found Kelly by his side, he was speaking but Matt couldn't process what he was saying. He felt exhausted, his head was throbbing and his jaw was tender and his muscles felt tight and sore. He groaned involuntary as he moved on the cold hospital bed and suddenly Kelly's hand was on him. It was gentle, soothing and reassuring so Matt relaxed back down.

"Kel…?"

Kelly gave him a smile.

"Where?" he breathed out.

"The hospital."

"Hospital?"

Kelly nodded. "You had another seizure."

"Don't remember…" he muttered, glancing around.

"That's ok, do you want to see the doctor again?"

Matt frowned. "Again? For what?"

"You… you spoke to him earlier," Kelly told him, trying not to appear too concerned. The doctor had explained it may take Matt anything from a few more hours to twenty-four hours to fully recover from the seizure. He explained that it was not unusual for some confusion, even depression after such a seizure.

"Oh, right, yeah, sorry… headache," he excused.

"You don't need to be admitted, we can go home, he's just setting up an appointment with a neurologist," Kelly explained.

"For what?" he asked, frowning again.

"He said you'd probably have a few tests; an MRI and stuff," Kelly said.

"Oh, right… sorry 'bout all this…" he responded, looking rather dazed.

"It's fine, Matt. How are you feeling?"

"I erm… I don't know?"

Kelly offered him a smile. "That's ok. I don't really know how I'm feeling either," he responded, still smiling, hoping to ease the anxious expression from Matts face.

"I'm sorry," Matt said again.

Kelly leant down and pulled something from under the bed. "They put your clothes in a bag," he explained. "I assume you want to go home? I can get the doctor again if you can't remember…"

"I trust you; you can remember for me?" Matt asked tiredly.

"Of course," he replied, handing Matt the bag.

Matt stood up on unsteady legs but quickly recovered. He emptied the bag out onto the bed as Kelly closed the blinds, spotting Boden still waiting outside the cubicle, his attention turned back to Matt though.

"Kel…"

"Oh," he mouthed when saw Matt holding the pants he'd been wearing when they'd arrived in the ER. They were wet and soiled. "Don't worry about it, I'll go to the shop now…"

"I… I pissed myself?"

"You had a seizure, Matt," Kelly reminded him.

"In the common room?" he asked, hazy memories appearing in his mind.

"No one was there," Kelly said. A white lie.

"I was yelling at everyone?"

Kelly didn't know what to say, he opened his mouth but remained quiet, just watching the broken expression on Matt's face.

"Oh God…" Matt groaned. "I was yelling at Boden? What's wrong with me?" his voice cracked as tears edged out his eyes.

"He understands… you're not well, Matt," Kelly said, trying to remain strong for Matt, even though he felt like he was falling apart because all of this seemed so surreal. Matt's behaviour had been horrific, the seizure had been terrifying, and the aftermath had been just as scary.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked, leaning heavily on the bed now.

"I don't know, but we'll find out. You have an appointment with neurologist on Monday," Kelly responded as Matt began to take off the hospital gown.

Matt frowned as he struggled to unfasten the back of the gown. "Monday? What… what day is it?"

"Today? It's Saturday, Matt," he said, stepping behind him and quickly helping him out of the gown.

"Oh, right, sorry…" Matt muttered, sitting back down on the bed. He slipped his tops and socks on.

"Boden's here, he's going to drive us home, all right? I'm going to leave you and get some pants. Do you mind if Boden comes in?" Kelly asked him as he pulled the bed cover over Matt's bare bottom half.

Matt shrugged in response and in a blur of movement Kelly had gone and Boden had appeared.

"How are you feeling, Matt?" Boden asked him softly.

"I'm sorry…"

"How are you feeling?" Boden repeated his question as he took a seat next to Matt's bed.

Matt remained silent, staring ahead at the sliding glass door.

"I'm sure you'll be feeling better and back at work in no time, Matt," Boden told him. Kelly had informed him that Matt could vaguely recall what had happened, and he knew Matt well enough to he was mortified by his actions, even if he was ill.

Slowly Matt looked to his chief. "I can work."

"When you're feeling better," he reminded Matt.

"I'm fine, just tired, I can work," Matt responded monotonously.

"You had another seizure, Matt, you can come to the firehouse during shift but I've had to take you off active duty," Boden said.

"I can do my job. You don't want me?" he asked offended, feeling unwanted.

"Your job will be waiting for you when you're ready," Boden assured him.

Matt said nothing, he simply glared at Boden as chaotic thoughts filled his head, drowning out his surroundings. When Kelly returned Matt was dozing lightly, and he could see the worry on Boden's face.

"He had another seizure?" Kelly asked, concerned.

Boden shook his head. "No. Kelly… how long have you… have you noticed his behaviour change?"

Kelly looked at Matt on the bed before responding, he'd never heard Boden's voice waiver so much, never seen him this concerned even with all the fires and accidents they'd been to together. "He's been absolutely fine… most of the time. He's been having, well, mood swings, I guess, but he's been struggling to sleep so I put it down to that… what if there's a tumour? I mean, I have no idea if there's any history of cancer or anything in his family, I don't think he'd know if there was either… But why else would he be having seizures? Can you get epilepsy if you're an adult? Last time they said it was a delayed concussion… can't be that now, can it? I want it to be Monday, I want to know he's all right."

"He has an appointment on Monday?"

"With a neurologist, and he's going to have an MRI and some blood tests… I mean, they're not rushing it, so they can't be too worried, right?"

"Right," Boden agreed.

"I should have pushed for an MRI and tests last time, something is wrong and it was missed, but his doctor checked him over a few days later… couldn't find anything wrong with him…" Kelly continued.

Matt moved on the bed and let out a small noise.

"Hey," Kelly began softly. "Ready to go home?"

Matt looked at him blearily and nodded.

"Pants," he said, passing Matt the bag he'd been holding. It fell from Matt's hand and onto the bed as Boden left the room to give them some privacy, telling Kelly he'd drive the car around so they wouldn't need to walk too far. "It's ok, Matt," Kelly spoke as he picked up the pants.

Matt looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey…" he began. "It's ok, it's fine, Matt. Everything's gonna be all right. I can help you get dressed, I don't mind at all, it's no problem."

"S… sorry…"

Kelly sat down on the side of the bed next to him, gently pulling him into an embrace. "We're gonna get this figured out. Everything's going to be ok."


	7. Tests

Matts head was resting on Kelly shoulder when Boden pulled up in front of their house. He'd been drifting in and out of sleep for the whole journey back from the hospital as Kelly and Boden remained silent.

"We're home, baby," Kelly told him, waking him gently.

Matt let out a small groan.

"Matt, we're home," he said again, but he quickly realised he was going to need to help Matt out of the car. Swiftly he got out of the car and went to the other side, opening the door carefully since Matt was now leaning onto it heavily.

"Do you want a hand?" Boden asked them from the drivers seat.

"We're fine, thanks for the ride," Kelly said appreciatively.

"Herrmann and I will get you car back here after shift so you don't need to leave Matt," he told Kelly as he got Matt out of the car.

"Chief…" Kelly began, not sure what he was going to say, but it felt like he needed to say something about Matts behaviour.

"Matt's not well, he didn't mean anything he was saying at the firehouse, and I'm going to tell everyone that as well. Everyone's just going to want him to feel better," Boden said, looking at Matt, who was now completely unaware again. "Call me if you need anything."

Kelly got Matt inside and straight into bed, wrapping him up in the covers and a blanket, wanting to make sure he was comfortable. He left him alone, he got a drink and sat down on the couch, pulling out his phone. There were several messages; all well-wishers. He couldn't face replying yet though, so he put the phone down, leant back on the cushions and closed his eyes.

* * *

At the firehouse, Boden returned to questions and worried faces. Everyone fell silent, waiting for their chief to speak as he stood in front of them all.

"Kelly's taken Matt home," Boden announced. "And Matt is going to be taking some time off."

"What's wrong with him? He'll get better?" Cruz asked, speaking for them all.

"Honestly, they don't know yet, but he's going to be seeing a neurologist for some tests," he replied. "Right now, we just need to be patient and be thinking of Matt; all good thoughts."

"Chief… none us were talking about them earlier," Herrmann said carefully.

"I know, and Kelly knows that too," he responded.

Herrmann glanced around questioningly. "But Matt doesn't?"

Shay stood up, she and Rafferty had been hounded by questions when they'd returned too, but had been unable to respond. "The brain can get a bit muddled as seizure activity starts," she offered.

"He must have been having those thoughts though? For them to be there?" Herrmann questioned, concerned.

Shay didn't have an answer and she glanced at Boden.

"Matt knows we support him, and we'll continue to do that," Boden said.

* * *

Matt had slept for the rest of the day, and throughout the night. It pleased Kelly, knowing how he'd been struggling to sleep over the last few weeks, hoping catching up on some much needed rest would do Matt some good. When the morning came, they would have usually gone for a run together, but instead, Kelly left Matt sleeping alone. He hadn't been sure whether to wake him for some food since it had been almost twenty-four hours since he'd last eaten, but he came to the conclusion that rest was more important.

Kelly was surprised to see him stroll into the lounge area around mid-day, but he hid his surprise quickly and smiled. "Hey, how you doing?" he asked, looking up from his laptop.

"You didn't wake me?"

"Thought you needed the rest… you feel better?"

"Hundred percent," Matt answered, smiling widely. "What are you up to?"

"Catching up on some work emails, I can stop?"

"No, s'fine, I should do some work too," Matt said as he sat down on the couch.

"I was thinking about that, maybe you should change your voicemail and sort out an automatic email response," Kelly suggested.

Matt looked confused. "For what?"

"Referring people to other contractors," he clarified.

"Why… oh… you won't drive me around anymore? Thought you said you didn't mind?"

"No I didn't mind, but you've had two seizures now," Kelly said.

"I'm all good, Kelly," he said monotonously.

"Well, we'll see what happens after you see the neurologist," Kelly told him.

"Ok," he accepted easily.

"Good. Now, I bet you're starving. Do you want breakfast? Or lunch?"

"I'm not hungry," he said, before turning and walking away, up the stairs and into their bedroom.

Kelly followed and watched as he sat on the bed, staring ahead at the dresser, barely blinking.

"All right, you'll let me know if you need something, yeah, Matt?"

"Yeah…"

Kelly left him alone. His stomach was twisting in knots. Tomorrows appointment couldn't come fast enough.

* * *

There had been complete silence in the car on their way home from the hospital again. Matt had not been impressed with all the questions, tests and the MRI scan, he'd felt annoyed the entire time, and even more so when he was told the results wouldn't be available for a few days. His mood lifted once they returned home though, and Kelly was grateful, he hated to admit it but he'd found being around Matt exhausting. He didn't want to upset him, and he was treading on eggshells around him. Kelly was looking forward to getting some answers when all the results came back, but of course he realised something sinister could be going on, and he was shrouded by guilt for the feelings he was having.

That evening Kelly noticed Matt watching him from the door into the lounge area. "All right, baby?"

Matt nodded, and then he shrugged.

"Come here…" Kelly put his arm out, inviting him in for a hug.

Matt joined him on the couch, letting his head settle on his chest. "Sorry 'bout everything."

He shook his head, knowing Matt could feel the movement. "I love you, Matt."

"Why?"

"Why?" Kelly repeated.

Matt scrunched his eyes, thinking. "Everything feels messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"I… I don't know… something feels off, like I'm missing something… Can't remember getting to the hospital this morning… actually I don't know if I remember it… I remember getting home…"

"That's all right, you were seeing a neurologist for a reason," Kelly said sympathetically

Matt sat up. "I'm fine, probably just tired. Maybe I should do something, go away or something."

"Go away?" Kelly repeated, taken aback.

"I've never travelled."

"Not sure now is the best time to go travelling," Kelly said.

"I could go on my own, you don't need to come with me. Or maybe I should... maybe I should go to college or something, learn something new," he enthused.

Kelly hesitated. "Erm… How about we wait for the test results before any life changing decisions are made?"

"You don't think college is a good idea? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I think it's a big decision… I mean, you wouldn't be able to firefight and you love that," Kelly said carefully.

"Do I?"

"Let's just see what your test results are, should have them by the end of the week," Kelly responded, feeling overwhelmingly tense.

"Ok."

"Ok, good," Kelly said, relaxing a little as Matt's irrational thoughts seemed to have subsided. "You gonna come back in for a cuddle."

He nodded. "Love a cuddle," he said quietly, moving back onto Kelly's chest.

"Yeah…"

* * *

Kelly was sitting with Matt in the neurologist's office when he was given the results. It wasn't what Kelly had expected, the blood tests, EEG and MRI had revealed nothing. Matt was healthy. Healthy except for the fact Kelly barely recognised his behaviour at times, and he'd now had two seizures. The neurologist put the seizures down to a lack of sleep. Kelly was brought back into the presence from his thoughts when he heard Matts disgruntled voice.

"A shrink?"

"Physically you're in perfect health, so the next step is to refer you to a psychiatrist," the neurologist explained calmly.

"You're saying it's all in my head?" Matt asked him.

"There's nothing physically wrong, all your tests came back negative. Which is good. I'm going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to help you now."

Kelly spoke up. "There's no more tests or anything?"

"The MRI showed nothing. There was nothing abnormal on the EEG. There's no infection or anything to indicate there's something physically wrong," the doctor repeated.

Kelly looked across to Matt.

"There's nothing wrong with me…" Matt said quietly, still taking in everything. "It's my head?"

"That's good, Matt," he responded positively.

"I'm not making the seizures up? I don't get it…" Matt mumbled.

"Don't get what, baby?"

"Why am I having seizures then? If it's all in my head… I'm having seizures, I'm not mad, there's nothing wrong me!" The anger in his tone increased as he spoke.

"Matt, it's ok. It's ok," he said. Then he looked back to the doctor. "When will the appointment be?"

"Should be within a week or so," the doctor answered, not distressed by Matts current behaviour. 

Before Kelly could respond, Matt snapped. "Should be?! I don't want it!"

"Hey, calm down, all right? He's just trying to help," Kelly reasoned.

"Help?! He's doing fuck all!"

Kelly was too shocked to respond right away, and then Matts face crumpled.

"What's wrong with me?" Matt sobbed, tears already falling down his face.

Severide just moved over and brought him into a hug, relieved when Matt leant into it, "We'll figure it out... no matter what it is, we'll figure it out..." He looked to the doctor, mouthing an apology on Matts behalf.

Kelly hadn't considered the possibility that this wasn't physical, and even when the neurologist had said Matt was in perfect health, he couldn't bring himself to believe it, but seeing Matt act the way he had made him doubt himself. Perhaps Matt really was in perfect health, the neurologist was the second doctor to tell them so.


	8. Psychosis

In the week that followed Matts outburst in the neurologist's office, there were several more outbursts, all thankfully in the privacy of their own home. Matt did seem to be catching up on his sleep though, although Kelly now feared he was sleeping too much, and at times he'd gone into their bedroom only to discover him lying awake, staring into the distance. Kelly had also noticed Matt had been eating less recently, and it had started to show, concerning him even more. Matt seemed to have no appetite, and combined with the amount of time he was lying in bed, it was a struggle to get him to eat something. And sometimes when Kelly would ask him something, he'd look at him blankly without responding.

At the firehouse, everyone could see how worried Kelly was, they tried not to ask about Matt too much, not wanting to be on the receiving end of Kelly's moods. To make things worse, when Kelly returned home from one shift, the distinct smell of urine hit him as he walked into their bedroom. When Matt became aware, realising what had happened, he couldn't quite understand why he'd wet the bed.

"It's fine, Matt, it's ok…"

"It's… it's…" he paused, sighing. "Not ok… I didn't know, I didn't… I couldn't…. I didn't…"

"Hey, hey, hey…" Kelly soothed, leaning down to hug him. "Accidents happen."

"Sorry…"

During Kelly's next shift, he went home three times to check on Matt, with Boden's knowledge. His chief had offered to send 61 over for a welfare check, but Kelly knew Matt wouldn't have been happy with that. Matt had been perfectly fine each time he'd returned home though, he was even eating lunch when Kelly first came by, the next time he was reading, and the final time, Kelly could hear him in the shower so he left without being noticed. Matt had of course questioned why he'd come home during shift, but he'd accepted that Kelly had just been worried about him, Matt then apologised, telling him that everything was good; he was fine, feeling much better after all the rest he'd managed to get. He'd even admitted that he'd been pretty scared about everything that had happened, but he really did feel perfectly fine now.

Kelly wasn't convinced though, and although Matt tried to back out of his appointment with the psychiatrist, he was going to make sure they went together.

* * *

Kelly drove Matt to his appointment with the psychiatrist, he walked him into the waiting room and sat with him until he was taken into the doctor's office. The appointment seemed to last for a while, Kelly hadn't expected it to take so long, possibly because like Matt, he still wasn't entirely convinced the issues were psychological. So he was surprised when he too was called into the doctors office.

He walked in and found Matt sitting opposite the doctor, stony faced and silent. His heart was hammering away in his chest, but he didn't want to let Matt know he was worried, he gave him a smile, but received nothing in response.

The doctor stood up and shook Kelly's hand. "Thanks for coming in, Kelly, take a seat next to Matt."

Matt avoided Kelly's eyes.

"We've been having a chat about everything that's been going on recently, and I thought it would be a good idea to get your opinion on things. Matt tells me you live together, and work together," the doctor said.

Kelly nodded, but he looked to Matt, wanting to see how he was coping, but he only turned his head further away. He wondered how much the doctor had managed to get Matt to say, Kelly didn't think it could be much despite the lengthy time they'd been in the room together.

"Talking about how we feel can sometimes feel a little embarrassing, but there's no judgement here," the doctor said, giving Matt a reminder. "Kelly, has there been anything you feel has been unusual or out of character for Matt recently?"

Kelly cleared his throat, feeling entirely uncomfortable. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Matt seems rather worried about work at the moment, about what everybody is saying…"

"Saying?" Kelly repeated, frowning in thought. "No one's saying anything…"

"That's a lie and you know it," Matt snapped defensively. 

"What is everyone saying, Matt?" the doctor asked him.

Matt stayed silent; lips closed tightly. Kelly's heart was torn, he had Matts trust and he didn't want to lose it, but some of his actions had been worrying him lately. Some of things Matt had come out with confused him, but he knew Matt would never lie or make something up. He thought back to Matts second seizure, his behaviour before the convulsions began had been horrifying, he had been completely out of character, but Kelly reasoned it had been because of the oncoming seizure. That had been bound to mess with his head, right? But deep down he knew there'd been a few incidents that seemed out of character, the fact that Matt had just snapped at him right then was a prime example.

"If Matt says people are saying things about him then… I believe him. But, he's been…" Kelly paused and looked to Matt. "You've been quick to anger and erm… sometimes, Matt, I think you've heard me saying something, when I haven't said anything, but we do have the radio on a lot, or music, so makes sense to think you've heard something."

"Have you always had music on?" the doctor asked them.

"Well, I guess, but… if Matt thinks he heard me say something, then he did," Kelly responded.

"But you hadn't said anything?"

"No, but… sometimes I might think someone's spoken but they haven't… it happens, right?" he answered, losing his confidence now the doctor had questioned him. Maybe there was no excuse for Matt's behavior recently, and maybe it really wasn't physical and maybe the previous doctor had been right to send him here.

"You believe me?" Matt asked him suddenly. "Everyone's been out to get me, but you believe me?"

"Who's out to get you, baby?"

Matt leaned in and spoke in a hushed tone. "They are."

"Matt," the doctor got his attention. "What happened before your last seizure?"

"My last what?"

"What happened before your last seizure, Matt?" the man repeated.

Matt looked to Kelly, blinking, a blank expression on his face.

Kelly's heart was in his mouth. "You had a seizure, remember, Matt? Almost two weeks ago?"

"Right…" he responded, but he didn't look convinced. "Sorry," he added, suddenly feeling incredibly self-conscious, and not at all sure what was happening.

"It's all right, Matt," the doctor assured him. "Can you remember earlier; we spoke about why you were here? You've been having seizures with no physical cause."

"Yeah, sorry," he said with a shrug.

"Can you tell me what happened before your most recent seizure?"

"I don't remember, sorry."

"It's fine, baby, it doesn't matter," Kelly spoke again, taking his hand and giving him a comforting squeeze. "Before his last seizure he was…" he began, looking at Matt sadly. "He was yelling, telling everyone to stop talking about him behind his back, talking about our relationship… but no one at work as been anything but nice about us going public. No one ever said anything… it didn't make any sense, and after, Matt couldn't remember what he'd been shouting about… it was… it was very out of character… and erm… every so often he… he does seem to think other people, strangers, say things or look at him funnily, and maybe... maybe it's not because there's background noise."

"What are you talking about?" Matt asked him, frowning.

"I'm sorry, Matt, but you trust me, right? We need to know why this is happening, you need some help, and there's nothing wrong with that," Kelly reassured him.

"You're making stuff up…" he continued quietly. Then he glared at the doctor scathingly. "We're only here because the other doctor couldn't figure out why I keep having fucking seizures!"

"It's ok, Matt, I'm only here to help, I want to make you feel better," the doctor responded calmly. "Do you find yourself getting agitated easily? Angry?"

"Only because this is pointless," he spat.

"His mood can change quite quickly," Kelly admitted, trying to ignore the hurt look on Matts face, but he was worried that the neurologist Matt had seen had been right now; this wasn't a physical issue.

"How long do you think that's been going on for?" the man asked.

"A few weeks," he answered with a small shrug. "Not long before he had his first seizure."

"From what Matt and I discussed earlier, it does seem like the seizures were likely caused simply by a lack of sleep, which is why the neurologist referred him to me. Does that sound like it could be the case to you?"

Kelly was silent for a moment before responding. "He had been struggling with his sleep for a few weeks a least before the seizures."

"There's a history of mental illness too," the doctor went on.

Surprised Kelly looked to Matt then back to the doctor. "There is?"

Matt looked at Kelly blankly. "Mom was ill and I've been off and on antidepressants since I was 15," he admitted uncharacteristically willingly.

Kelly was shocked to hear about his mom but he did his best to hide it, not wanting Matt to think he'd been hurt by the new information. He really wasn't hurt because Matt had kept it from him. In truth, he'd always suspected Matt had used anti-depressants in the past, and he didn't mind that Matt had kept it a secret, he understood why Matt was so private.

"I think it'll be a really good idea if Matt comes and sees me once a week, and I'm also going to prescribe some medication," the doctor said. "Matt is having a crisis right now, but with the right help and medication things should improve."

"What medication?" Kelly asked.

"Antipsychotics, it may take some time to find the right one but I'm confident they'll help," the doctor said.

"Antipsychotics? He's not… he's not psychotic," Kelly responded, looking at Matt who was now gazing out the window at the cloudless blue sky.

"He's having delusions, hearing voices, paranoid that people are talking about him, that they're out get him, and he's been having trouble sleeping, it all points to a psychotic break. There's no way to deny it; he needs help, Kelly," the man replied.

"Is he… is he ill? Like his mom? What was wrong with her? What's caused it? He was fine… and then he wasn't… he's still fine sometimes, it's only moments when he says something or I guess… hears something…"

"I don't want to make a diagnosis after just one session, it does seem like everything's just become too much, I looked at his record and from what we managed to talk about, it does seem like a lot of things have happened, and he's tried to suppress how he was really feeling for a very long time," the doctor explained.

"And the seizures, what about them? He shouldn't have any more?"

"He needs to keep resting, if his sleep worsens again, I can prescribe something to help, we also have an in-patient facility here which may be beneficial, but I don't think it's needed at the moment, unless you feel…"

"He doesn't need that," Kelly said. "He doesn't need the meds…"

"We're going to try them and see if they help, and that's all I want to do," he responded, nodding. "Matt?"

"Baby…" Kelly placed his hand on Matts thigh when he didn't respond.

Matt startled and glanced at the two of them. "Sorry... what?"

"Does that happen a lot, Matt?" the doctor asked him.

He frowned. "Does… a lot… what?"

"Do you struggle to concentrate?"

"On what?"

"Have you ever lost time, Matt?" the doctor rephrased. 

"Time?"

"One moment you're doing something, the next you're somewhere else, doing something different?"

Matt looked to Kelly who gave him an encouraging smile despite the worry in his eyes.

"Don't know, sorry…" he answered. 

"That's ok, Matt, we're going to help you feel better. It won't be a quick fix, but we're going to help."

"Ok…" he responded quietly, eyes looking so lost that Kelly just wanted to wrap his arms around him.


	9. Poison

Kelly had decided to take some time off work, Matt had become concerned when he realised Kelly wasn't going to the firehouse, but Kelly reassured him. He wanted to take the time off, he wanted to spend some more time with Matt, who seemed to be having more good days now. It had been almost a week since his appointment with the psychiatrist, Kelly wondered if the medication was working, but they had been told it could take some time to become effective, and he hadn't been making sure Matt had taken them every day, so maybe the doctor had been wrong; Matt wasn't psychotic. And he'd had another seizure, they'd not gone to the hospital this time and Matt had recovered from it relatively quickly, but it only made Kelly more convinced that the doctor was wrong, despite all of the tests.

They went grocery shopping one afternoon, Matt pushed the cart along, holding the list he'd made, as Kelly grabbed the items, as well as few things that weren't on Matts list. Kelly noticed how slow and steady Matt had been moving all day, but he'd not commented on it, thinking he must have struggled to sleep.

Matt stopped as Kelly put a few items in the cart. "We really don't need four bags of chips, do we?"

"Need, no. Want? Yes," Kelly answered succinctly.

Matt chuckled.

"What?"

"You're terrible at shopping," Matt said after a moment.

"Or I'm very good at it," he retorted.

"You always get things that aren't on the list, that's not good at shopping," Matt told him.

Kelly shook his head, smiling teasingly. "I don't think the shop would say that."

"Shops don't talk," he said simply.

Kelly just grinned at him. "You want chips?" he asked, looking back at the shelves.

"I can't share yours?"

"You always end up sharing mine, you want your own?"

"Nope, I'll share yours," Matt answered.

"And that's why we're getting four bags," Kelly said, brows raised.

"Still excessive… and we don't have one bag on the list…" he responded, looking down at the neatly written items.

"Come on then," Kelly said, walking again. "Where to next?"

"The next aisle."

"You know, you're not very fun to shop with," Kelly pointed out.

"It's not meant to be fun," he countered.

Kelly took the cart from Matts hand. He gave it a push and stepped onto the bottom frame, using it like a scooter, he gave one final push and balanced himself on it as he spun down the empty aisle.

"My boyfriend is an 8 year old boy…" he muttered, smiling as Kelly turned back round to face him.

* * *

It took Matt a while to regain his senses when he woke up the next day, and a longer time to will his body to move. It was a struggle to get out of bed, but he needed the bathroom desperately. Once he was up, he stumbled, rushing to the toilet in their ensuite. He let out a sigh of relief, leaning on the cistern with one hand as the pressure was released.

He flushed the toilet, washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror, leaning heavily on the sink. The cold water dripped from his unshaven jaw. He didn't recognise the stranger staring back at him. He looked tired. On edge. His hair was too long, there was a weeks' worth of fuzz on his face, his cheeks had lost their fleshiness. He looked ill.

Matt scrunched his eyes shut as his vision had blurred. He did it over and over, and over again. When his vision finally cleared; there was still a stranger staring back at him.

It scared him.

By the time he meandered downstairs, the tension in his shoulders had eased and the troubles on his mind had vanished. He gave Kelly a smile when he found him standing in the kitchen.

"Morning, how'd you sleep? You looked so cosy, I didn't want to wake you," Kelly greeted him.

He just nodded in response.

Kelly grabbed a small orange pill bottle from the counter. "You need to take your meds, Matt," he reminded him.

"I've had them."

"Not this morning," Kelly countered.

"Yes I have," he responded with a nod.

"You've only just come down," Kelly said. He'd also been counting them, aware that Matt hadn't been taking them every day, but he wasn't going to admit that.

Matt shrugged. "I don't need them anyway."

"You may not, but for now you need to try them, they might help," Kelly said. His patience was being tested, as much as he loved Matt, this was not a situation he had ever pictured himself in and it scared him. They'd had such a good day yesterday, and now Matt was not only lying to him, but lying badly, and acting out of character again. Just when Kelly had hoped things were improving.

Matt glanced around the room as he moved close enough to Kelly to whisper. "They're poison."

"Poison?" Kelly repeated quietly. Shocked at Matt's thoughts.

Matt hushed him urgently. "They'll hear us…"

"Who?"

"They're poisoning me with these," he responded, taking the pill bottle from Kelly.

"Matt, baby, no one's trying to poison you."

Matt stepped away, glaring at him. "You're one of them?" he half-accused.

"Baby…" He took a step forward but it was a bad idea. Matt shot back, throwing the pills at him. They scattered on the kitchen floor, flying in all directions as Matt continued back, only stopping when he hit the wall.

He cowered down to the floor, breaths heaving, tears falling, and holding his arms out protectively. Kelly was rooted to the spot, he daren't move in case he scared Matt even more, he didn't even want to blink. But he couldn't do nothing, and after a few moments, he tried to relax, hoping to help Matt do the same.

"Baby?" Kelly began tentatively, slowly getting down to Matts level. He just sat down on the floor, cross legged, two feet in front of Matt.

Kelly wasn't sure how much time had passed when Matt finally relaxed, unfurling from his protective position up against the wall.

Matt lifted his head up. His eyes were red-rimmed, and his cheeks were tear stained. "Kel?"

"Hey…"

"What doing floor?" he asked quietly, unaware of the missing words.

Kelly honestly didn't know what to say. "You weren't very well," he said after a moment. "How are you doing now?"

"Sleepy."

"How about we get you cosied up on the couch in a nest of blankets?"

"Burrito…" Matt muttered.

"Yeah, we'll make a little Matty burrito. Sound good?"

"Good."

* * *

A few days later when Matt had suggested he cooked dinner; Kelly had smiled. It had been the first time Matt had left their bedroom all day, but he seemed happy, and he'd shaved and dressed, so Kelly took it all as a positive. Dinner was perfect too, and it was really good to see Matt eat a proper meal. Kelly tidied away whilst Matt scrolled through Netflix, looking for something new to watch since they'd finished the show they'd been enjoying.

"I'm going to get some supplies for a job I have tomorrow," Kelly said when he joined Matt on the couch.

Matt just looked at him. "Ok."

"I don't need to go the boat yard, but need to get the stuff in to do the work. Wanna come to the store? We could go out for lunch or something? And on Sunday you could give me a hand getting this job done?"

"Yeah, sure," Matt responded.

Kelly smiled, happy with their plan.

They never went for lunch the next day though. Later on that night, Matt had heard a noise and became convinced someone was trying to get into their house. Kelly had woken to find him barricading their front door. It had taken Kelly a few hours to get him back into bed and when he woke the next day he remained in the bed, curled on his side, with the covers pulled up over his face.

If Kelly hadn't needed to leave the house, he wouldn't have done, but he'd already delayed getting the supplies he needed, and the completion date he'd given his client was fast approaching. He called Shay, asking her to come over, as he didn't want to leave Matt on his own right now.

She turned up, knocking at their door less than an hour after the phone call. He greeted her with a hug as he spoke. "Hey, thanks for coming over, I won't be too long but I just need to go out…"

Shay stood back. "Kelly, why can't you leave Matt alone?" she asked carefully. Kelly hadn't been very forthcoming about the situation with everyone yet, not even to her or Boden. They understood they needed their privacy and that things were complicated with Matt at the moment, but it wasn't nice to be on the outside.

"He's in bed, won't be an issue…"

"Kelly?"

"I just, I'd feel better if he wasn't on his own, in case he has a seizure or anything," Kelly explained.

"What's the anything?"

"He'll be fine," he said.

"How many seizures has he had now? Do they know what's causing them?"

"Three…" he responded, shaking his head.

"He's had tests and…"

"They've done scans and an EEG… they say it's a lack of sleep," Kelly said.

"You're not convinced?"

"Of course I'm not convinced," he retorted. "I don't know what else they can do though… how many does he need to have before they do more tests?"

"How's he feeling?"

"Up and down," he answered.

"That's understandable," she responded, putting a hand on his arm. "Go and get what you need, I'll be here."

"Thank you… make yourself at home," Kelly told her before he left.

Shay poured herself a mug of coffee, noticing the medication on the counter, and then went to check in on Matt, mind still whirling over the prescription he'd been given. He was sitting upright in the bed, his eyes were glazed over, looking at nothing, so she cleared her throat, not wanting to startle him. "Hey, Matt," she greeted.

It took him a moment to respond. "Shay?" he half-questioned.

"Kelly's popped out," she explained.

He raised his brows. "You're on babysitting duty?"

"Think he feels better if someone's here, in case you have a seizure," she said with a smile.

Matt glanced around the room.

"What is it?" she asked, stepping closer.

"You have to help Kelly, he doesn't understand," he began.

She frowned as she sat down on the bed. "What doesn't he understand?"

"They're trying to poison me," he whispered.

Shay was taken aback. "Matt, I…"

"They're making me weak," he continued.

"Who is?"

"The drugs," he told her. "They're going to come and take me and Kelly, I won't be able to stop them."

"No one's coming to take you, the medication is to help you, it's not making you weak," she said.

Matt fell silent.

"I promise no one is coming to take you, Matt, you're safe," she told him, moving closer so she could take his hand, wanting to comfort him.

"You're one of them…" Matt whispered in realisation, eyes widening.

"Matt…"

"Get out! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" he yelled as he shuffled back. He couldn't get away from her fast enough though, he scrambled further away but fell from the side of the bed.

"Matt, it's all right, it's ok, I'm… I'm not going to hurt you." Shay tried, shocked at his sudden fear.

Matt was pushing himself against the corner of the room, trying his best to get away from her, pushing his body against the hard walls, but it wasn't enough, she was getting closer and closer.

He screamed.

Shay stood still, deciding, despite her instincts, that it would be best to leave Matt alone. She turned and left, closing the bedroom door behind herself. Once she was away from Matt, she let herself feel the emotions she'd tried her best to hide in front of him and she gasped, clasping a hand to her lips as she felt tears spring to her eyes.

When Kelly walked through the door a short while later, Shay approached him. He saw her eyes and instantly knew she'd been crying. "What's happened?" he asked.

"He needs help, Kelly," she told him solemnly, not wishing to relive the events that had not long taken place.

"He's getting help, the doctor gave him some medication," Kelly said.

"I saw," she responded. "They're antipsychotics, Kelly."

"I know... I don't think they're the right meds, he's not psychotic, he's had another seizure…"

"But the doctor prescribed them, and Kelly, he _is_ delusional," she said. "He thought I was going to take him away, he's barricaded himself in the bedroom…"

"He's what?" he asked, alarmed. He rushed to their bedroom without another thought.

"Kelly…" Shay began, approaching him.

"You can go, thanks for coming, bye," he said without looking at her, more concerned for Matt.

"Kelly, he needs help," she called after him.

"Yeah, I'm helping him," he retorted. "You can leave… go…" he snapped.

Kelly took a few calming breaths before knocking on the bedroom door. He heard nothing, but remained silent for a short time, seeing if Matt was going to respond. When he didn't, he knocked again.

"Matty? I'm back from the store," he told Matt through the door. "Are you doing all right in there?"

He still got no response, so this time he opened the door. Or at least, he tried to. The handle moved and the door did open a fraction but it hit something and stopped.

"Matt, it's me, it's Kelly," he said. "Shay's gone. Please can you let me in, or just let me know you're all right? You're making me worry."

After a few moments, Kelly heard footsteps and a noise; something being pushed along the floor, most likely the dresser as that seemed like the most logical thing Matt could move in front of their door.

Kelly opened the door after another few moments, wanting to give Matt some time. "Hey, baby," he greeted softly. Matt was sitting on the floor in the corner of their room, knees pushed up to his chest.

"You came back?" he cried.

"Of course I came back, baby," Kelly responded softly. "Can I join you?" he asked, kneeling down.

Matt nodded so he scooted next to him, wrapping an arm around his trembling form. Soon, Matt was resting his head on Kelly's lap, listening to the gentle tune he was humming. Kelly ran his hand soothingly through Matts thick blond hair, he was muttering incoherently but he seemed to have calmed down.

"I've been thinking, Matt," he began after a while. "How about we go away for a few days? Get some air?"

Matt stirred on his lap. "Away?" he repeated.

"We could go fishing at the cabin, weather's nice for it," Kelly suggested.

"Just the two of us?" he asked, red-rimmed eyes open now.

"Yeah, just the two of us."


	10. Arrest

Kelly had a smile on his face as he watched Matt wading in the lake water. He'd been right, getting out of the city had done Matt the world of good. They'd been at the cabin for three days now. The sun was setting and the air was cooling so he called Matt over, wanting to get dinner going.

"Your barbeques are the best," Matt told Kelly as he cooked their food.

Kelly turned, smiling at him. "The only barbeques you usually have are the CFD ones, you've not got much to compare mine to."

"You look hot standing there cooking," he said.

Kelly looked at him. "I can't decide if you're joking or not."

He chuckled and Kelly joined him on the bench, draping an arm over his shoulders. Matt let his head rest on Kelly and he closed his eyes, but all too soon Kelly was moving, their food was almost ready.

"Can I do anything?" Matt asked him.

Kelly shook his head. "Everything's ready. Burgers will just be another minute, then they'll be perfect."

Matt hadn't heard him though, he was now sitting up straight, alert and listening to something in the distance.

"It's just the neighbours, they've got teenagers, drag them out here for a few weeks every summer," Kelly explained.

"I didn't there were people here?"

"When the wind's right, noise travels across the lake," Kelly said. "Ready to eat?" he asked, holding up the spatula.

Matt nodded as he stood up, grabbing a plate.

* * *

That night they lay under the covers together, Kelly was quickly falling asleep, sinking comfortable into the duvet with his arm entwined with Matts bare one. Just as he was blissfully slipping into unconsciousness, he was abruptly brought back to the present with a sudden tight squeeze to his hand.

"What's that?" Matt was asking, alert.

"It's just birds on the roof, babe, we heard them last night, remember?" he responded tiredly, grateful Matt had released the death grip on his hand. He kept his eyes closed, wanting to drift back to sleep.

Just as Kelly was falling to sleep again, Matt grabbed his forearm so tightly he was sure it would bruise.

"They're here," he announced, tone hurried and rushed. "They followed us!"

"Baby, no one's here but us, go back to sleep…" Kelly muttered, quickly drifting to sleep.

When Kelly woke it was still dark, he moved in the bed, realising he could sleep a while longer, he went to wrap his arm around Matt but only found an empty spot on the mattress. He sat up, groaning a little, and he checked the time as he switched the light on. Matt wasn't in the room at all. He swung he legs out of bed and got up, stretching as he did. Although the mattress was comfortable, it was old and nowhere nears as good as the one Matt and Kelly had bought for themselves. He slipped on the same clothes he'd worn the day before.

Just as Kelly stepped out the bedroom, he heard a noise coming from the roof, and it wasn't birds. He swore under his breath and rushed outside. He could hear Matts incoherent mutterings once he was out of the cabin, he turned around, looking up at the roof, stepping back, looking for him.

"Matt!" he couldn't help but scream, shocked at the sight that met him.

Matt was clambering around on the roof of the cabin, naked, wielding Benny's wood cutting axe in his hand.

Kelly took a few breaths, wary how precarious this situation could. "Matt, baby, what are you doing?" he called up carefully, resisting the urge to get up on the roof and drag him down.

Matt had either ignored him or hadn't heard because he didn't respond. He was moving around on the roof, muttering and seemingly looking for something, his hand gripping the axe.

"Matt, you're scaring me. What are you doing? Matt?"

"You need to leave us alone!" Matt yelled down to him, waving the axe about threateningly.

"Who are you talking to? There's no one here but… but me…" he added quietly. "Matt?"

"Leave us alone!"

"Matt, baby, it's just me, it's Kelly," he tried, desperate to get him down from the roof, or even just to stand still, worried he would hurt himself if he fell from his precarious position.

Matt cried out, holding the axe defensively. "What do you want with us!? What did you do with Kelly?"

Th rising sun was slowly lighting up the sky and Kelly was at a loss. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to help Matt, and from the corner of his eye, he glanced a vehicle coming up the small track; a police car. He swore inwardly, thinking one of the neighbours must have heard something, either that or it was a really bad coincidence and they'd just been driving past, which seemed unlikely.

Two officers stepped out the car.

"Is there a problem here?

"Everything's fine," he responded, despite how Matt was still clambering around on top of the roof, muttering and crying, and wielding an axe.

"What's he doing on the roof?" the officer asked, and before Kelly could even reply the man called up to Matt. "Hey, buddy, you need to get down; you're causing a disturbance!"

"He's not disturbing anyone," Kelly retorted, annoyed at the officers.

Matt had finally stopped moving. He was staring down at everyone.

"Don't say it, Matt," Kelly murmured under his breath, shaking his head.

"I said; leave us alone!"

"Afraid we can't do that," the officer called back. "Now, are you going to put the weapon down and get down?"

"What have you done with Kelly? Where is he?" he asked, holding the axe defensively. And Kelly knows just how expertly Matt handles them.

"Who's Kelly?" the younger officer asked.

"I'm Kelly," he answered. "He's… he's on antipsychotics," he then admitted. He didn't feel like he could keep it from them now, he didn't want them to make the situation worse.

"He's mad?" the officer asked.

"He's not mad, he's sick," Kelly said, exasperated.

"Why ain't he in a hospital then?"

Kelly ignored the man. "Matt, it's me, it's Kelly. Look at me; I'm fine. They didn't take me," he assured Matt.

"Kel?" he responded, face crumpling. "What's happening? Where are we?"

"Can I come to you?" Kelly asked him.

Matt looked entirely lost. "What?"

"Be really careful, Matt, I'm coming to get you," Kelly told him.

He shook his head fervently. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no…"

"It's all right, Matt, it's all right," Kelly assured him, remaining still. But just as Matts mutterings stopped the older officer took a step towards the cabin.

Matt scrambled back on the roof. He scrambled again when he lost his footing and then he vanished from Kelly's sight.

A thud came from behind the cabin, Kelly rushed around, dreading what he'd find, but Matt was already pushing himself to his feet, he was unsteady but he seemed unharmed.

The officers had caught up with them. "Don't move," one ordered.

Matt grabbed the axe and ran.

He didn't get very far. Something, no, someone tackled him from behind, sending him to the ground again with another thud, he lost his breath and struggled with his attacker.

"Stop it! Let go of him!" Kelly was yelling now, trying to get the officer off Matt. He was pinned down to the ground, arm twisted around his back. He'd let go of the axe. He was crying out and trembling, and struggling to get away from the painful grip that held him down.

Eventually the grip lessened but he was pulled bodily up to his feet. Kelly was still yelling but Matt couldn't make any sense of what was happening anymore, and his vision had blurred.

"You're under arrest for disturbing the peace, wielding a deadly weapon and resisting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... so that happened. Cool.


	11. Cuffs

Matt was sitting in the back of the police car when an ambulance rolled up. In the end, the police hadn't wanted to deal with taking Matt into custody so were handing him off to the local hospital instead, Kelly was actually grateful, he knew Matt wouldn't cope going to a police station, although he wasn't sure he'd cope with the hospital but at least they'd be better equipped and trained to deal with this.

The paramedics spoke to Kelly and the officers before heading over to Matt. One of them knocked on the door window, and gave Matt a smile before opening the door.

"Hi, there," the paramedic greeted. She knelt so Matt was looking down at her. "I'm Sara, I'm a paramedic," she told Matt. "Could you tell me your name?"

Matt remained silent.

"No worries. Are you hurt at all?" she asked him, glancing him up and down. He was dressed now and had a blanket draped over his shoulders, all courtesy of Kelly. She spotted the cuffs fastened securely around his wrists.

Matt shift slightly but otherwise remained unresponsive.

"Do you know where you are?"

He shook his head.

She smiled, pleased he'd responded. "Can you remember what happened?"

Nothing.

"Can you speak?"

He just looked at her blankly.

"No worries, honey, lets get those cuffs off, yeah?" she suggested, smiling. "I'm going to ask one of the officers to unfasten them, ok?"

He didn't respond.

Satisfied he hadn't objected, she turned her head, calling over the officers. "Can we get the cuffs off, please?"

"You're sure?" the older officer questioned her as he strolled over.

"Yes, I'm sure," she responded. "You shouldn't have put them on him in the first place."

"He was resisting and carrying a weapon," he told her, passing her the key, preferring to keep away from the situation.

"He's not resisting or carrying a weapon now," she retorted, taking the key from the man.

She unfastened the cuffs carefully, giving each wrist a comforting rub, before shoving the key and the cuffs into the officer's hands.

She focused back on Matt as the officer walked away. "That's much better, isn't' it? Do you think you could come with me to the ambulance? I want to make sure you're not hurt, and you don't need to be in this cop car, do you?" she said, giving him a warm smile.

After a long moment Matt gave her a nod.

"Thank you," she responded, still smiling. She stood up slowly and open the door even further so he could step out easily. She gave him another smile when he got out of the vehicle, helping him to keep the blanket over his shoulders. "This way," she told him, pointing over to the ambulance a few feet away.

Her partner kept his distance and Matt stepped into the back of the rig.

"Take a seat on the gurney," she said as she followed him in, leaving the doors open, not wanting to alarm him or make him feel trapped.

Kelly had been standing some distance away; he'd be with Matt right now if it wasn't for the paramedics telling him to hang back. He looked over to the two officers who looked entirely annoyed by the situation, which lit anger up in Kelly's chest, but he was glad to see Matt heading over to the ambulance on his own accord, followed by one of the paramedics. He wanted to go over to them once they were inside the rig, but he resisted.

In the ambulance, Matt had slipped the blanket down from his shoulders when the paramedic had asked him. His head was aching and his whole body was sore. He could see that he was in an ambulance but he didn't know why, or where they were. He had tried to ask but the words never reached his lips.

"I think you've managed to get away fairly unscathed," the paramedic told him, smiley widely as she came into his vision. "We're still going to take a gentle drive over to the hospital though. Swing your legs up and I'll get you ready for the journey."

He did as he was told, looking at out the trees as he did, distracted by the sound of the birds.

"I'm going to fasten these bottom straps loosely, all right?" she explained as she pulled a buckle across his lower half. When he didn't object, she continued, securing him so they could get him to the hospital.

Slowly Kelly appeared at the back of the rig, giving Matt a smile before looking to the paramedic.

"He seems all right," she told him. "But we're going take him over to the local hospital if you want to follow in your car."

"Yeah, ok, I'll do that… and thank you," he said appreciatively.

"No worries," she responded. "We're doing all right in here, aren't we, Matt?"

He didn't reply but Kelly gave him another reassuring smile. "I'll see you soon, ok?" He then closed the back of the ambulance.

Kelly managed to hold himself together until he got in his car, as soon as he closed the door, he let a devastating sob. He tried his best to pul himself together, taking some deep breaths, and wiping his eyes. He knew the local hospital, but he didn't want to be too far behind Matt. He started the engine and drove.

* * *

When they arrived at the ER, the paramedics didn't rush, carefully getting Matt out of the ambulance, still on the gurney, as they chatted amiably. He'd not spoken a word throughout the journey, and seemed utterly exhausted but every time he'd started to drift off, he would force himself awake again.

"Hi Jules," Sara greeted the ER doctor as Matt was taken over to a private bay. "This is Matt Casey, he's 33. He fell from the roof of a cabin, was about ten feet, got up straight away and was then tackled by our lovey local police…" she said disdainfully. "They arrested him but handed him over to us. He's been on antipsychotics for a few weeks after a suspected psychotic break. He was having a delusional episode. He's been pretty docile since, hasn't spoken, but has communication. He had an accident in the back of the rig. We've not given him any meds or fluids. He's a firefighter in the city, a lieutenant, his boyfriend followed us here, he told us that he has had a few non-epileptic seizures recently," she added.

"Thanks, Sara," the doctor responded with a nodded.

She smiled then looked to Matt who had already started being assessed now he'd been transferred onto the hospital bed. "Goodbye, Matt," she said before taking the gurney and leaving.

The doctor walked up to the bed. "Hi, I'm Jules, I'm a doctor," she told Matt. "Can you tell me your name?"

Matt looked at her but said nothing.

"That's ok. You're in the emergency room, Matt. Do you remember falling?"

He shook his head.

"All right, well, I just want to check you over, we're going take off the rest of your clothes and pop you in a clean gown, is that ok with you?"

Matt nodded.

"Good, thank you," she said, nodding at the nurse to help take off his wet pants. "Are you in any pain, Matt?"

Slowly Matt lifted his arm to his head, it was clumsy but he managed it.

"You have a headache?

He nodded.

"I'll get some aspirin, make you more comfortable," she told him.

Soon Matt was lying still on the bed, wearing a clean gown, as the doctor examined him, he was scratched and already bruised from his fall but otherwise unharmed. They were cleaning his wounds when Kelly arrived at the hospital. The doctor left Matt alone with the nurse so she could speak to Kelly.

"I know you probably want to see Matt right now, but first let's go and take a seat in the family room," she told him, already leading him over to the small private area.

"How is he?" Kelly asked her as they entered.

"He'll be sore from the fall, but he just has some minor abrasions, they're being cleaned up now," she answered. "So, the police have ordered a 72 hour hold, and whilst Matt seems docile now, I do agree with them. It will be a good idea to observe him over 72 hours, we need to make sure he's not a risk to himself, or others, even if it is unintentional. We just want Matt to be safe, and feel safe as well."

Kelly was silent for a short while before responding. "I think yesterday I would have objected but… but he does need help, I thought I was helping him. Apparently not."

"I'm sure you've been helping him a lot, Kelly, and you can keep helping him," she responded, she could see how exhausted he looked. "Now, there's something else we need to talk about. After hearing what happened and having been with Matt, I'm concerned he's not currently able to make the best decisions for himself right now, medically or otherwise, and that may remain the case after the hold."

Kelly took in what the doctor was saying and nodded. "Erm… I'm listed as his next of kin, if that means I can… make decisions for him…" He looked away for a moment, he never thought he'd be in this position, especially not in a situation like this. "The 72 hour hold, what does that mean exactly?"

"He'll be closely observed, a psychiatrist will speak to him once or twice a day, they'll assess him and prescribe any other medication if needed, and a decision on what best to do once the 72 hours is up will be made. It's all to keep Matt safe, and help him through this crisis," she explained.

"He doesn't have a choice in this? I don't have a choice?"

She nodded. "It is involuntary. I'd put it in place even without the arrest."

* * *

Before heading back to the cabin, deciding it was best to stay there, Kelly had been taken in to see Matt. He looked as exhausted as Kelly felt, he spoke to Kelly but was barely coherent as Kelly and the doctor explained what was going to happen. Kelly left him once he'd finally started to rest, he'd been told he'd be on an observational ward shortly and as given the visiting hours.

Once again, Kelly found himself breaking down in his car. He yelled out and hit the steering wheel. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before he managed to compose himself and drive back to the cabin, and when he arrived back, he cracked open the whiskey bottle.

He drank the liquid. It warmed his throat.

He needed something to calm him down, to take the edge off how he was feeling. He wasn't even sure exactly what he was feeling. He was worried, he was sure of that. He was exhausted, anxious and scared. And he felt guilty. Guilty that he'd brought Matt out here when clearly it had been a bad idea, he should have listened to Shay, and he felt guilty about pushing her away too. Guilty that Matt trusted him and all of Kelly's actions had led to Matt getting arrested and put on a psychiatric hold. This was all his fault.

He took a long swig from the whiskey bottle, the liquid burned.

And another.

He couldn't do this. He didn't even know what he was supposed to be doing. Whatever it was, he couldn't do it.

He drank.

And he drank some more.

Only when the bottle was empty did he stop.

**TBC**


	12. Hold

Matt woke in an unfamiliar room, but once he gathered his bearings, he recognised it as a hospital room, but he didn't understand why he was there. Two sides of the room were made up of glass panels, the blinds were shut to his right but open in front of him, he could see several hospital staff. He didn't question it though; he didn't seem capable of much more than observing where he was. He was wearing a thin gown and didn't seem to be attached to any equipment, but there were bruises and scratches on his arms and hands, he felt sore but wasn't in any pain. He wondered if he'd had another seizure.

A door slid open to his right.

"Good morning, Matt," the man said as he entered.

"M… morning?" Matt responded, looking lost.

"How did you sleep?"

Matt frowned. "Who…" he began. He scrunched his eyes and tried again. "Who are you?"

"I'm Marques, one of the nurses here, do you remember where you are?"

His eyes cast a glance around the room. "Guessing I'm in a hospital."

The nurse nodded.

"Why? Did I have a seizure? Where's Kelly? He's ok?" Matt asked.

"You didn't have a seizure, you fell from a roof during a delusional episode," the nurse answered honestly. This was the second time he'd had this conversation with Matt. "Kelly will be here when visiting hours are on."

Matt blinked. "Ok," he accepted.

He smiled; Matt had taken his answer well this time. "Would you like to use the bathroom?"

Matt frowned again.

"You need to be supervised," Marques responded.

"To use the bathroom?"

He nodded, he didn't tell Matt how he'd tried to escape through the window in the early hours of the morning.

"Ok," Matt accepted.

"Would you like to use the bathroom?" he prompted.

"No, thank you," Matt said.

"How are you feeling? Sore?" the nurse asked.

"Tired. Where's Kelly? He hurt too?"

"Kelly will be here later," Marques told him.

There was a knock at the door, the nurse turned to see a porter with a tray of food.

"Ready for some breakfast?"

Matt didn't respond but the nurse nodded the porter in. A tray was placed on a table and swung over Matts lap. He looked down at it; toast and juice. The nurse sat down in the corner of the room and remained silent. Rather than eating, Matt simply looked out the window to his left, he couldn't see much but the top of a tree and some other dreary looking buildings, but it held his attention.

He was snapped from his thoughts when Marques spoke again. "Don't like toast?"

"Toast?"

The nurse nodded towards the plate on the table and Matt looked down. "Not hungry."

"Can I give I you a tip, Matt?"

Matt glanced at the man.

"Not eating won't help," Marques told him.

"Help what?"

"Getting through this psych hold," he answered.

Matt frowned again. "Thought I fell?"

"You did, during a delusional episode," the nurse explained again.

"Oh… I don't think I'm having delusions now?"

The nurse just smiled at him. Matt turned his head and gazed out the window again.

* * *

Before going into Matt's room for his first session, the psychiatrist spoke to his team of staff who had been observing Matt for the past twenty-four hours, and he spoke to Kelly who had arrived shortly before visiting hours. He'd already heard about the escape attempt, and it sounded as though Matt had freaked and let his flight instinct take over. He was concerned that he was not eating, and from what he learned from Kelly, he'd lost a significant amount of weight in the last few weeks. Matt had also barely slept since he'd arrived, and had been in a near constant state of alertness once he'd been transferred up to the ward, and he'd been seen muttering to himself.

The doctor asked Kelly to remain outside the room for now. He wanted to meet Matt individually first.

"Hi there, Matt," he began as he stepped into the room, sliding the door closed behind him. Matts eyes were wide, red rimmed and there were dark shadows beneath them, a stark contrast to his pale skin. Now he approached Matt, he could see his lips were sore, Matt had bitten them anxiously, and his hands were trembling. "I'm Doctor Shaw," he introduced himself as he pulled the chair over. He wanted to sit with Matt, he didn't want to stand over him.

Matt looked away.

"You've seen a lot of doctors recently, must be very hard," the doctor continued.

Matt turned to him. "Where's Kelly?" he whispered.

"He's outside," Doctor Shaw told him, glancing over to the glass panels.

"He's safe?"

"He's safe," the doctor confirmed.

Matt didn't look convinced. "Really? They're everywhere though."

"Who's everywhere?"

"They are," Matt said insistently.

"What do they want, Matt?" the doctor asked.

"I thought they just wanted me, but they want Kelly too, but he's safe?"

"He is," the doctor said.

"Good," Matt responded, appearing to relax a little.

"Why are they after you?" he asked.

Matt shook his head. "I don't know."

"You don't know what they want?"

"They've been poisoning me," he told the doctor.

"How?"

"The pills," Matt explained wearily, his exhaustion was quickly catching up with him. His eyes wanted to close and he wanted to sleep, but something inside him was telling him that was a bad idea.

"You are safe here, Matt," he reminded him.

Matt shook his head again. "I can hear them now, they're here but they hide. He's not safe…" he said suddenly, sitting up alert.

"Kelly is safe, just like you are in this room. You're safe in here, Matt," the doctor told him.

"They'll find away in, they will," Matt said fervently. He was panicking now. His heart was racing as he looked around the room.

"You're safe in here, Matt," he repeated.

"Then why can I hear them?! They're coming!"

The doctor looked to the door. "No one's coming, Matt."

"They're here!" he screamed.

"Matt, I'm going to give you some medicine, it's going to help you relax," the doctor explained. It was a last resort but Matt had been fighting sleep, and his exhaustion only seemed to be making his paranoia worse.

"No…"

"It's not poison, will you have some?"

"It's not a pill?" Matt asked.

"It's not," he said. "It will make you sleepy, but you need some rest."

* * *

Just as the doctor had told Matt, Kelly had been outside the room. He'd been watching them interact on the video monitor and through the glass. He couldn't deny how much help Matt needed right now, and he was washed with guilt, should he have sought help weeks ago when Matt had started acting off? Would it have gotten this bad, this out of control if he'd gotten help sooner? He felt guilty, and lost. It was hard to believe that was Matt, _his_ Matt, on the video monitor.

"He's resting now," the doctor said when he exited the room, walking over to the nurses station where Kelly was sitting. "Have you seen this behaviour from him before, Kelly?"

Kelly glanced to the closed hospital room door sadly. "Yes."

"We're going to help him, Kelly," the doctor told him. "His medical, work and DCSF files have been sent over to me now so I'm going to have a look through them to see his history and get a better understanding. It'll help to decide how we move forward from here."

"Can I sit with him?"

The doctor nodded. "The Valium helped him to relax, he should get some rest now, but I see no harm in sitting with him. It may help; he was worried about you."

Kelly ended up resting his head on the bed by Matt's hand. He was hungover and tired. He held Matts hand, and Matt had still been fighting sleep when he'd first entered, forcing his heavy lidded eyes open, but he settled and finally slept when Kelly spoke soothingly to him, brushing his fingers through his blond hair.

As Kelly recovered from his hangover, he sat up, still holding Matts hand. Thoughts that the alcohol and subsequent hangover had suppressed, started whirling through his head again, at least Matt seemed to be getting some help now. He hadn't liked the idea of a 72 hour hold but he could see the benefits of Matt being monitored and the doctor did seem to really care. Thoughts of Shay appeared too, Kelly knew he needed to apologise for his behaviour, and perhaps explain what was really going on now, he could do with someone to talk to, and without Matt, she was always his first choice. He felt terrible for how he'd left things with her though, he should have listened to her and perhaps Matt would never have been arrested. But he was now getting the help he needed at least, Kelly just hoped it wasn't too late, what if Matt never got his life back, he knew it wasn't going to be like fixing a broken bone, what if this was something he was going to struggle with for the rest of his life?


	13. Transfer

Matt's 72-hour hold was almost up, Kelly had been sitting with him for a few hours, but was now waiting to see the psychiatrist. He was anxiously tapping his thigh, knowing the doctor had probably decided on what was next for Matt, and Kelly had a worrying inkling as to what that would be.

He was called into the doctor's office.

"Hi, Kelly, take a seat," Doctor Shaw said, sitting back down as Kelly did. "As you know Matt's 72-hour hold will be over in the morning, I've observed him, looked at his records and spoken to my colleagues, his psychiatrist and primary physician back in the city too. We've unanimously made a decision one what's best going forward for Matt's health.

"Sounds ominous…" Kelly commented.

"We feel it's best that he is put on a 28 day hold in a specialist facility, to be reviewed every seven days…"

"A mental hospital?" he retorted, unimpressed.

"We don't call them that," the doctor responded.

"That's going to help him get better? He's gonna get better, right? What exactly is wrong with him?"

"He is suffering from psychosis, now we don't know the exact cause, but I wouldn't be surprised if all the cumulative events in his life so far have led to the psychotic break, and there may also be an underlying mental health condition," the man said.

"He's not… I find it hard to believe that he's psychotic… the last doctor suggested it but he's Matt, he's fine, he's always fine…"

"He may have been pretending to be fine, and it's all just got too much for him to cope. It happens to the best of people, Kelly, and I do agree with the previous doctor's assessment, especially now we've had the chance to observe him," Doctor Shaw explained.

"But nothing has happened, he's been happy, genuinely happy… or have I … have I just been completely blind?" he questioned heatedly, annoyed at himself. How did he miss this?

"A lot happened in his childhood that he probably never made you aware of," the doctor told him.

"You said you were looking at medical files, DCFS files? I know he went into care after his mom killed his dad, he doesn't talk about it, ever… he never talks about it," Kelly said.

"Kelly, he was a victim of abuse, before and after his dad was killed. He went through half a dozen foster homes in a year, more group homes, he was sectioned before he turned 18," he divulged.

"What? I… I didn't know." Kelly was shaking his head, almost in disbelief.

"That's why I'm telling you. He suffered through years of systematic abuse. Physically he got away, but he never dealt with it mentally," the doctor said.

"Why was he sectioned?" Kelly asked quietly.

"He was catatonic, he needed the care and couldn't be looked after in the group home he was in at the time. Because was under 18, he got it taken off his record so the CFD didn't know."

"Then how did you find out? Oh… DCFS…" he said in realisation. "I still don't get it though. I don't get he can be so fine and then… delusional. What did I do wrong?"

"You've done nothing wrong, and nor has Matt. He's getting the help he needs now," Doctor Shaw assured him.

"This specialist facility?" Kelly enquired, still trying to take In all this new information.

"You have a couple of options to choose from, both hospitals have good recommendations and are covered by his insurance, they also both have a bed available for him from tomorrow onwards. I will give you the details and you can make a decision," he responded.

"He can't come home? I could just take him to appointments…"

"Kelly, as much as you'd like to, you can't watch him for 24 hours a day, it's just not safe for him to go home right now," the doctor told him.

"You think he's going to hurt himself?"

"Not necessarily on purpose, but yes," Doctor Shaw answered.

"Something spooked him, that's why he ended up on the roof…"

"Kelly, there's no blame on him or on you," the doctor said meaningfully. "I'm hopeful that once Matt feels safe, in a secure and controlled environment, he can start to heal."

"He will get better? He'll go back to work?"

"No one can make any promises. And work, if he does recover; that'll be up to the CFD," the man answered. 

"They won't let him go back… not active duty… they'd say he'd be a liability, and if he doesn't have that aim… I don't know…"

"Kelly, I think it's best to take things day at a time," Doctor Shaw said.

"The new doctors he'll see… do you have a preference with the facility? He's seen so many people now, and he likes you, he doesn't seemed so freaked around you," Kelly asked the man.

"I refer people to both, they're all good people, location wise, the one in the city may be preferable so you can visit easily," he responded. "Shall we go and tell Matt together?"

Kelly stood up, nodding. "He's gonna hate this."

But Matt surprised Kelly. He simply accepted what the doctor was saying, so much so that afterwards Kelly explained how uncharacteristic his behaviour had been.

* * *

Kelly had been feeling positive about the transfer to the new hospital, he'd spoken to them on the phone and had looked at the 3D tour of the facilities online. Matts mood had also remained mostly stable, so Kelly's worries about the ambulance transfer had lessened. Kelly had even helped him to shower and he had been accepting his medication without a word of protest. But Matt lost his cool as soon as the paramedics came to get him, despite how Doctor Shaw had planned the transfer to make it easy as possible for Matt. He'd explained what was going to happen, reminding Matt every so often, making sure he felt comfortable.

Kelly had fetched him some clothes, a soft pair of joggers and a hoody, strings removed from the hoody, they were loose on Matt now, and Doctor Shaw had informed Kelly they'd likely have to use an NG tube if Matt continued refusing to eat. Kelly had helped Matt dress, he'd been rocking back and forth as he sat on the edge of the hospital bed which hadn't made the task easy, but he'd seemed unaware of his movements. All the time Kelly was explaining what was happening, just as the doctor had been, as it seemed to help Matt.

But their preparations did nothing to ease Matts panic when the paramedics arrived. He had dashed to the corner of the room, having nowhere else to go, Kelly would have been shocked if he'd not seen Matts erratic behaviour before.

Doctor Shaw was as calm as ever, remaining still, motioning everyone else to do the same. "Matt, do you remember how I said you were going to a better hospital? These two men are from the ambulance, they've come all the way up here to meet you."

"You… you… you… you lied me to me," Matt said through shuddering breaths.

"Tell me what's wrong, Matt?"

"That's them! They're here!"

Kelly stiffened, swallowing deeply. His couldn't handle much more of this, he was rooted to the spot, and he didn't think he'd be able to help the situation at all right now. He was on the verge of tears as he watched Matt cower down onto the floor.

The doctor got down on the floor so that he was level with Matt. "They're taking you to a better place, Kelly will see you there," he reminded Matt.

Matt just shook his head. "Leave me alone!" he cried, kicking his legs out.

"Matt, you're safe, Kelly is safe. You will be even safer when you get to the new hospital."

Matt dropped his arms and sobbed, breaths catching in his throat. "I want… want… I want to go home…" he whimpered.

Desperate, Kelly spoke up, stepping forward. "Can't you give him something?"

"Drugging him is a last resort," Doctor Shaw said.

"He's distressed… he's not gonna calm down…"

The doctor turned to look at him. "Kelly, can you wait outside, please."

"Kelly no!" Matt screamed.

The doctor stood up slowly and went to the phone, not wanting to call out for the medication he wanted. "Can I get some Versed in room 311… yes… thank you," he spoke, looking at the nurse who'd answered through the glass. A few moments later the door slid open and the doctor took what he needed from the nurse, telling her to wait outside, he'd use the assistance from the paramedics if needed. He placed the tray down on the side.

With his back to Matt, who was still crying out and yelling, he plunged the syringe into the fluid and pull the plunger up, getting the dose he wanted. First. he would offer Matt the pill though, he wanted to give him a choice, but he wanted to be prepared. 

Doctor Shores words went unheard my Matt, he wasn't going to take the oral version. He turned and spoke quietly to the two paramedics. "I think we'll need to pin him down if he doesn't take the oral meds."

"He's a firefighter, right?" the taller of the two paramedics asked, he could see the CFD logo on Matts hoody.

Kelly nodded.

"Let me see if I can get closer," the man said.

Kelly understood why the man was suggesting it, but he wasn't convinced, the uniforms they wore hadn't stopped Matts panic when they entered. Doctor Shaw gave him the go ahead though, passing him the medication.

Kelly had been right, the paramedic had little luck in getting through to Matt, and when he got too close, Matt lunged at him defensively.

Out of instinct, Kelly intervened. He grabbed Matts wrists but found him surprisingly strong, he lost one arm and felt a heavy sting across his face. Ignoring the pain, he got hold of Matts arm again.

"Baby, Matt, it's me, it's me, it's Kelly…."

Matt was tossing around, trying to get his arms free, using his legs to kick out, catching whoever was restraining him over and over again. But there was no let-up.

"Matt…"

He was screaming and crying.

"Give it him now," Kelly called out, he couldn't hold Matt for much longer.

The syringe was plunged into Matts arm, his movements remained erratic but soon weakened.

"Let's get him on the gurney," the doctor said, stepping over. "Careful…" he spoke as they helped Matt up, lying him down on the gurney.

They wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Matts arm, stuck a couple of ECG leads to his chest and clipped an oximeter to his finger, needing to monitor his vitals now he'd been given some sedation. Matt was still trying to move though, clumsily thrashing about weakly. He knocked the oximeter off.

"Kelly, are you ok?" the doctor asked, looking at the wound on his face. His lip was bleeding and his jaw was already swollen.

Kelly just nodded, still focused on Matt as the paramedic replaced the oximeter.

Matt continued to move, trying to push everyone away as they strapped him into the gurney. He strained against the restraints and made an animalistic noise.

"I'm going to give him another half dose, he's going to hurt himself, agreed?"

The paramedics nodded in agreement.

"Matt, I'm going to give you another shot, it's going to help you feel calmer," the doctor told him as he prepared another dose. Matt didn't acknowledge the man though; he was too focused on fighting the restraints.

It didn't take long for Matts body to finally still and fall limp onto the gurney after another half dose of midazolam. Kelly let out a breath, and moved to run his hand comfortingly through Matts hair, but even drugged, Matt recoiled from his touch so Kelly stepped back, heart aching.

Matts head lolled as the sedation took over and they finished prepping him for the transfer. Kelly approached him again, not touching him this time, reassuring him that everything was going to be ok.

He and the doctor walked alongside the gurney as the headed out the room and to the elevator. Once they reached the ground floor, Matt moaned incoherently but remained still. The medication would keep him sedated for at least an hour and a half now.

Before they loaded Matt into the back of the ambulance, Kelly spoke to him again, telling him that he'd see him soon, and that everything was going to be ok.


	14. Alpacas

Matts world was a blur, his limbs were heavy, his mind was fuzzy, his chin was wet and his wrists were sore. His head was aching and the bright lights seemed to blind him. He could hear people talking, they were next to him, in front of him, but he couldn't see their faces, there were no recognizable features, just flesh. He felt oddly relaxed though, he was sure there was something important he should be doing, something was wrong, but he didn't care anymore.

The light changed, and changed again.

There were new voices, but if they were talking to him, he didn't understand.

A sudden panic rose up inside him, he tried to move, but his limbs were sluggish, he could barely lift his arms, or was there something holding him down? As quickly has the panic had appeared, it vanished again and his head rolled to the side.

Faceless images came into view, words were spoken but they seemed entirely foreign. He felt something warm drip down his jaw.

He was being touched, manhandled. His heart picked up pace, but he was still oddly relaxed, he was barely aware and that frightened him, until a moment later when it didn't, and he let his heavy-lidded eyes close.

The images in his mind flittered and changed with great frequency as his hands found something to clutch. It was soft. Soft like alpacas. He went to a farm years ago. One day he would take Kelly. He'd tell him everything. Kelly. Where was he? His lips spoke his name soundlessly. He smiled thinking of Doris and frowned thinking of his parents. Then Boden appeared fleetingly. He looked sad. He tightened his hold on the alpacas. The alpacas? Why was he lying on a pair of alpacas? Where was Kelly? And why did Boden look so sad? And what was that noise? Was that his name? Someone was speaking to him? He smiled. The very last thought that entered his head before he drifted off was one of confusion. Since when had alpacas been able to talk?

* * *

Kelly had ended up needing a couple of stitches, the wound to his lip hadn't stopped bleeding and once a nurse had inspected it properly, he understood how deep it was, and once he had stopped moving. He also realised how sore he was going to feel after serving as a punching bag. He had wanted to be waiting for Matt, but when he did arrive at the psychiatric facility, he realised it didn't matter that he hadn't been there. Matt was still under the effects of the sedation.

He met Matts new doctor, Doctor Cohen, the head of the small psychiatric facility, and was informed that there'd been no more incidents and Matt was now in his room. Kelly had spoken to the man on the phone beforehand to get an idea about the place, and it seemed as nice as he'd been told, and had seen online, as the doctor walked through to the ward Matt was staying on. There was a shared bathroom, a common room, arts room and kitchen area. Matt would be allowed out of his own room, he'd have free access to everything on the ward, only needing to ask a member of staff for the bathroom, he would have privacy once he was inside. There were group activities and sessions, but for now Matt would have private sessions with the doctor, but he would need to attend group activities once he was settled in. He would also need to eat three meals a day.

Matt was going to be monitored twenty-four hours a day, and just like before, any sedation or restraints would be a last resort. They wanted Matt to feel safe, safe from himself as well. The doctor informed Kelly that they would be restricting visitor access for a few short while, wanting to help Matt settle in and get into a routine, Kelly accepted the doctor's explanation, wanting Matt to get the best help. He already felt guilty for not seeking more help earlier on.

After introducing Kelly to some of Matts care team, the doctor showed him to his room. He left Kelly there, letting him spend some time with Matt. When Kelly entered, a nurse gave him a smile and left, giving them privacy, although Kelly knew everything was being monitored on the video camera, he was actually glad of that, not that he thought Matt would hurt him again, but because he wanted Matt to get help if he needed it, and from experience Kelly figured he had been the worst person at helping Matt so far.

Matt was lying under a soft blanket on the bed, he was on his back, head on a single pillow, tipped to the side. His eyes were open and his mouth was parted. He pulled the chair over to the bedside as he greeted Matt, and once he sat down he glanced around the room, there was a lovely view out of the large window, the walls were yellow, there was shelving unit and a desk, the bed Matt was lying on matched the rest of the furniture, there was even a nightstand. It was very modern and bright, not at all what Kelly had envisioned before browsing the facilities website and 3D tour, and it seemed nicer in real life.

"They've given you a great view, and the room's nice too," Kelly spoke. He wanted to take Matts hand, but he didn't know what was going on in his mind right now and he didn't want to scare him.

Matt let out a short groan.

"Ok, baby?"

His head rolled further to the side, he blinked a few times, eyes trying to focus on Kelly. He wondered where the alpacas had gone for a moment, then he realised the nausea that had been building up inside him was about to become even more of an issue.

Matt gagged and retched, bringing up the small amount of food he'd eaten. It burned his throat and he struggled to catch his breath. He felt gentle hands on him, turning him. He could hear Kelly, and the alpacas came back, he couldn't make out what they were all saying, but it quietened down again as he continued to throw up bile, wrapping his arm around his middle to ease the nausea.

Kelly heard Matt mutter. "Baby?"

"What the fuck…" Matt said, words slurred but understandable.

"It's ok, baby, it's just a reaction from the drugs, they said it'll wear off soon," Kelly reassured.

"Where d'you get alpacas from?

"What?"

Matt swallowed. "You got me alpacas…"

"I did?"

Matt was smiling deliriously now. "Hmm… clever alpacas… when d'they start talking?"

"Oh…" Kelly mouthed in realisation. It was the drugs. "How are you feeling? Still feel sick?"

He groaned and curled in on himself.

"Will you have some water? Don't want you getting dehydrated," Kelly said, already picking up the plastic cup from the nightstand.

When the cup nudged against Matts lips, he moaned, turning his head away.

"Matty, babe, have a little water for me," he urged again.

Matt brought up more bile, his whole chest ached from heaving and he looked at Kelly through bleary eyes. "Kel?"

"Yeah, it's me, baby," Kelly replied right away.

"Thirsty…" he croaked out.

Kelly smiled and held the cup to Matts lips. "Do you want anything else?" Kelly asked once he'd finished drinking.

"Mmm… just you…"

"Just me, hey?" Kelly responded, running his fingers through Matts hair.

As the sedation wore off, Matt became more aware of his surroundings.

"Thought… home?"

"No, baby, you're staying here for a bit, it's gonna be really good for you, what do you think of the room? I like it," Kelly said.

He's eyes roamed the room. "Mmm… plain."

"Plain is good, how's the bed? Comfy?"

Matt nodded. "Mmm…"

"Good," he responding, smiling.  
  
"Happened to your lip?"  
  
"Just an accident, I'm fine."

"Join me?" Matt asked quietly.

"Want me on the bed?"

Matt nodded.

Kelly lay on the bed with Matt for an hour with his arms wrapped around him, head tucked under his chin. He hummed a few familiar tunes, so pleased Matt had recovered from the transfer ordeal. Matt was dozing when it came time to leave, Kelly carefully got up from the bed, but Matt still stirred.

"I have to go now, but I'll be back soon. You're safe here, Matt, you're gonna feel better. I love you," he soothed.

"Love you…" Matt muttered back sleepily.

Kelly held his emotions back until his back was to Matt, he bit his lip as he left the room, looking back before he opened the door. Matt looked peaceful on the bed, he gazed at him for a moment and left. He spoke to one of the nurses on his way out, and once he stepped into the elevator, he felt tears trickle down his face. He wiped his eyes and took some breaths, determined not to let this get to him, telling him that Matt was in the best place right now, and he would recover.

* * *

Matt dreamt of alpacas, distraught when something, no, someone woke him. Even more distraught when he realised, he wasn't at home, especially when he was told once again that he would be in this facility until it was safe for him to leave. He'd yelled and cried out, but he'd calmed down eventually and begrudgingly followed the nurse out of the room and showed the facilities. He felt sick at the thought of being stuck there, he wasn't crazy. He didn't need to be there, he told the nurse again and again that he wasn't safe, that they were after him and they'd know where he was now. He'd flung the plate of food away and he'd darted from the room. But he had nowhere to go. They had him, they'd found him and they'd find Kelly too.

"Matthew…" the voice pierced his ever-threatening thoughts.

"Sorry, what?"

"Nice to have you with us, Matt," the man said.

Matt glanced around, there were two people in front of him, the man who was talking was kneeling down on the floor next to him, the other man was standing by the door.

"I don't know you," Matt spoke.

"I'm Doctor Cohen, you can call me Robert," the man responded, watching as Matt rocked himself back and forth. "We met earlier; do you remember?"

Matts attention wondered, as if he was alone in the room.

"Matthew," the doctor began.

"What?!" he snapped.

"We met earlier; do you remember?" he asked again.

Matt scowled. "I don't know you."

"My name's Robert. I'm a psychiatrist," the man said.

"Not crazy," Matt said, his thoughts coming back to him. "Not crazy…" he repeated, shaking his head, still rocking his body.

"You've been having delusional episodes and hallucinations, Matt, but we're going to help you feel better," the doctor explained.

"Don't feel sick. I need to go now…"

"You can't leave, but you are safe here," the doctor told him. "Ok, how are feeling right now, Matt?"

Matt just looked at him, bewildered.

"Are you worried? Scared? Angry?"

The rocking stopped and after a moment Matt whispered. "Scared."

The doctor nodded. "Why are you scared?"

"They're after me, they're all after me and after Kelly, and they've been poisoning me, and lying to everyone…"

"Ok, but you're safe. No one is after you, I promise. You are sick, Matt, your brain is tricking you…"

"No… no…"

"Your brain is tricking you, but we're going to help you feel better. We're changing your medication, that's ok, and we're going to do some talking therapy, you can tell me about your past, it looks like you had a hard childhood, you've been trying very hard to suppress how you've felt for a long time, but you don't need to do that anymore. You're in a safe environment."

Matt shook his head. "I can't be sick."

"Why can't you be sick?"

"I can't… I can't…"

"It's ok, take a breath for me… that's it… hold it… and breathe out… take a deep breath again… hold it… and out… in… and… out… there we go, that's it…"

"What's happening to me?" Matt cried out, speaking between shuddered breaths. "Where's Kelly? This isn't me… this isn't me… I don't know who I am… I'm not me… please… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

"You're in the best place now, we're going to help you feel better, and you _will_ feel better, Matt. It'll take time, and we may need to try another medication or a combination of them. They will help reduce the delusions and hallucinations. This psychosis may have been triggered by stress or a culmination of traumatic events, but they may be an underlying condition…"

"My mom was sick… my mom was sick… it's happening to me?"

"We don't know that yet, we're not going to jump to conclusions, but if there is an underlying condition like your mom, we will help you with therapy and medication. Your mom struggled to stick with her treatment and that must have been really tough for you to see. We're going to help you feel safe."

Matt was shaking his head, rocking back and forth again, hand taping his thigh rhythmically. "This isn't me…"

"You're going to feel better. Right now, you need to get some rest, you also need to eat. Eating will help, you've been starving your body, but you need the right food, the right nutrients to feel better. Is there a reason you've not been eating? You've lost a lot of weight recently. Has that been on purpose?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Do the voices tell you not to eat?" Doctor Cohen asked.

Matt shook his head.

"Do they tell you to hurt yourself?" Cohen continued.

He shook his head again.

"Ok. Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Matt looked at the man. "Now?"

"Now, or in the past?"

"Past…" Matt muttered.

"Ok, when did you last have those thoughts?" he asked softly.

Matt shrugged.

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

He shook his head.

"But you thought about it in the past? When you were 16, you were sectioned. You were catatonic and later in the hospital you tried to hurt yourself. You've not had those thoughts since then?"

Matt shrugged again.

"Matt, I need you to be honest with me so that I can help you," the doctor told him.

"Not since Kelly really."

"That's good," the doctor replied. "But you've still had dark thoughts?"

"I guess. Doesn't everyone?"

"No, Matt," Doctor Cohen responded.

Matt cast his eyes down. "Are we done?"

The doctor nodded. "Get some rest, you'll have your first therapy session with me tomorrow afternoon. Thank you for letting me talk to you now. Dinner is at 6:30pm, your door isn't locked so you can make your own way there. You do need to ask to use the bathroom, but you'll have privacy, and in future you may not need to ask. I will see you tomorrow, Matt."

* * *

When Kelly had arrived home, instinct had him reaching for another bottle of whiskey, but he stopped himself. He grabbed his phone and sat down on the couch. He called Shay and poured everything out to her as tears streamed down his face, he apologised to her over and over again. She barely managed to get a word in until Kelly had calmed down.

"What can I do?" she asked him eventually. 

"Nothing, I guess, that's the problem, there's nothing we can do."

"That's not true. We're gonna be there for Matt, through all of this, and I'm gonna be here for you. Everyone will be," she told him.

"I can't tell them he's crazy… that he's lost it…"

"You don't need to if you don't want to. He's sick, Kelly, and he's getting help, and he's gonna be alright, because he's your Matt. And I know how much you love each other.


	15. Restraints

Matt had been admitted to the hospital for a week now and Kelly was finally able to visit him, they'd restricted his access, explaining it was best for Matt to have no visitors so he could settle in and they could start to help him. They'd never spent such a long time apart before but Kelly knew the doctors knew best, it had been a hellish week though, he was too distracted by his own thoughts, worrying about Matt, to do much more look after his own basic needs.

Kelly had spoken to either the psychiatrist or head nurse at least once a day, some days Matt seemed to be doing well, others were not so good. He'd needed to be medically restrained twice, he'd been banging his head repeatedly on the wall behind his bed, he'd also been put in soft restraints for a couple of hours after attacking a staff member and being unable to calm himself down. He'd been along to one group therapy session, but he walked out after only ten minutes. Little progress had been made in his individual sessions, but, other than one session where he'd refused to say word, Matt had been talking to the psychiatrist when prompted.

When Kelly entered Matts room he was shocked by the sight he was greeted with, despite his conversation with the nurse. Early that morning Matt had attacked two staff members as he'd tried to escape for the second time, they'd had no choice but to put him in soft restraints, they'd given him a shot of Versed but he'd continue to resist.

Matt was on his back, his wrists, chest and ankles restrained, he wore no pants, just a sweat soaked t-shirt and some padded white briefs. He'd spent the last couple of days in bed, refusing to leave his room and had not even asked to use the bathroom. It was upsetting to see him this way, especially having not been able to visit, and to start with, despite not wanting to take part in the group sessions, things had begun positively, but it looked as though Matt had taken several steps back now, refusing to cooperate.

"He's very ill, Kelly," the nurse spoke gently.

"He seems to be getting worse," Kelly responded.

"He's not been very cooperative today, he's still settling and the new medication he's on doesn't work right away. He needs more time."

Kelly nodded in understanding. "Can I sit with him in private?"

"The camera will stay on, but yes, and we should be able to remove the restraints in an hour so, we don't want to use them for long," the nurse said.

Kelly pulled the single chair over to the bedside and sat down. He put his hand on Matts arm, his skin was warm, Kelly had expected him to feel cold, lying there in only a few clothes. He hated how Matt had been put in such an undignified position, but he knew it was for his own safety right now.

Matts eyes flickered open as Kelly wiped his sleeve over his face, clearing away the saliva.

"Hey, baby, it's just me, it's Kelly," he greeted as Matts eyes searched the room. "How are you doing?"

Matt opened his mouth, letting out a short groan.

"I've missed having you at home," Kelly went on, not really sure what to say, everything seemed so surreal. How could this possibly be real? "You're getting help now, things will get better, I promise, you wouldn't be here if not. Everything's going to be all right," he said before leaning over and wiping away a fresh strand of saliva.

Matt just moaned again.

"They say you're not eating or going to the bathroom," Kelly commented. "Will you eat for me? And ask to go to the bathroom? Please just… just help them to help you… I know it must be hard, but I know you, you can get through this."

Matts eyes focused. "Kel…"

"Yeah, hi," he responded, smiling at the recognition.

"Kelly…"

"What is it?" Kelly asked him.

"You have to get me out of here," he whispered fervently.

Kelly shook his head. "I can't do that."

"You have to get me out of here," he insisted again.

"I'm sorry, Matt, they're going to help you…"

"They're experimenting on me, you have to get me out of here," Matt said intensely. He was pulling against the restraints now as he became more and more agitated.

Kelly had automatically stood up, moving back, instinctively thinking Matt was going to grab him despite how his wrists were tied to the bed.

"Kelly, please," Matt cried. "You have to get me out of here, they're hurting me! They're hurting me! Please, you have to help me! Kelly, please! Please, Kelly!"

Kelly had been so focused on Matts anguish that he'd not noticed the two staff members enter the room. He stepped away, unable to take his eyes off Matt, but unable to stay as he continued crying out.

"Kelly, please! Please don't leave me here! Kelly, please! Please…" Matts words turned into sobs when Kelly forced himself to turn and walk away. It broke his heart to leave, he knew Matt would never forgive him, too many people had left him in the past, and Kelly was now just another name on that list.

He could still hear Matt once the door had closed. He put his hands to his ears and tried to stem his own sobs, letting his weight fall back on the wall, trying to compose himself. At the start of the week, Kelly had still not been convinced that the situation was entirely mental, despite what everyone had told him, but now, having seen Matt act the way he just had, he realised he had been in denial for weeks. He'd wanted it to be physical because he knew broken bones fix much easier than broken minds. He'd been in denial just as all the doctors had said, and another wave of guilt crashed through him; he knew should have got Matt help sooner, he shouldn't have waited until help was forced onto him for his own safety. Shay had managed to persuade him otherwise when he'd poured his emotions out to her, but seeing this only reminded him how guilty he did feel.

The door opened again, but Kelly heard no sound from Matt. Kelly didn't speak to the nurse or orderly, and he didn't enter the room again, he gathered himself and left. He couldn't deal with this, he had nothing left.

* * *

Matt woke slowly, his head was throbbing and his body ached. It took him an age to open his eyes, but even when he did, he had no idea where he was, and everything was blurry, he couldn't focus. He tried calling out but no sound escaped his lips. His chin felt wet, his mouth full of saliva, he struggled to swallow. He let his head roll to the side, warm drool pooled on the thin pillow, wetting his hair and neck. He tried to moved, his body was slow but he found the energy to push himself up, wanting to know where he was, his vision was still blurred. His actions were halted and he couldn't figure out why, he pulled and strained against the resistance he felt on his arms and legs, but nothing worked. There was something wrapped around his waist and groin, his brain couldn't comprehend it and he tried to move his arms again, he wanted to understand.

Suddenly the sound of a door opening stopped him from moving, there was a bright light and the sound of footsteps.

"Evening, Matt," a voice spoke and he winced, it felt incredibly loud. "Got your medications. Are you going to take them without a fuss now? Don't really want a repeat of this morning, do we?" the voice chirped.

Matt moved his head away from the voice, it was sharp and reverted around his skull, making it throb even more.

"I can unfasten the restraints for you, are you going to be calm?"

Matt didn't respond, he didn't know what to say, he didn't know the answer because he didn't understand the question.

"Would you like to have a shower, freshen up?" the voice continued.

He turned his head to the woman as his vision cleared.

"Would you like a shower, Matt?"

He understood was she was saying now and he nodded. He moved, but didn't get very far.

"Hang on," she instructed. "I'll unfasten the restraints. You're gonna be calm now?"

Matt gazed at her, head still throbbing. He didn't know why he was restrained, and he still wasn't sure where he was, but he nodded anyway.

"There we go," she said with a smile once she'd unfastened all the straps.

Slowly he sat up, pushing himself back so he was sitting up against the wall.

"Meds," she told him, passing him a small container and a plastic cup of water.

He accepted them, chucking them back and swallowing them down with the drink.

"Open up," she ordered, checking he'd taken them. "Tongue up too," she said.

He did as he was told, proving that he'd taken the pills.

"Thank you, Matt. Bathroom?"

"Shower?" he asked, speaking for the first time since she'd entered.

"Yeah, bring a change of clothes, and underpants, because you're going to ask to use the bathroom today, right?"

"Yeah, sorry…" he muttered looking down at the lightly padded white briefs he was wearing. "Didn't know."

"What do you mean, Matt?"

He just shrugged.

"Ok, get your things, you'll feel better after a shower," she told him. "Then it'll be dinner time."

"What's dinner?"

"Pizza tonight, is that good?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry," he told her as he clumsily got to his feet. He was tired and sore, but his headache seemed to be fading at least.

Matt did feel better after showering and putting on fresh clothes, and annoyed when he realised they'd put waterproof briefs on him, annoyed that he'd needed someone to stand outside the bathroom whilst he'd showered and dressed. He was being treated like he'd done something wrong; he hadn't done anything wrong, had he? He was struggling to think back over the last few hours, struggling to recall the last week. What was going on with him? It felt like he was slipping away, losing time and coherent thoughts, and all the good the shower had done then vanished. He felt sick. He had no idea what was happening anymore.

"Matt? Are you dressed? Can I come in?"

He didn't recognise the voice and he shot back to the tiled wall, looking around, he was trapped.

"Matt?"

"Leave me alone!" he cried.

There were mutterings from behind the door and the voice spoke again. "Matt, if you don't open the door, I'm coming in," she warned.

"Please, why can't you all just leave me alone?!"

"Matt, you're safe, honey. You're in the hospital, do you remember?"

Matt could no longer control his breaths. He was hyperventilating and his heart was pounding.

When the nurse opened the door, with two other staff members behind her, she found Matt sobbing in the corner of the small room. "Hey, Matt…" she began.

"Please… don't…"

"Matt, look at me and tell me where you are?" she urged.

Matt did as he was told and looked blearily around.

"Do you know where you are?"

He shook his head.

"You're in the hospital, you're safe," she assured him.

"Not safe… they're coming… they're coming…" he muttered, his arm rhythmically knocking the wall the behind himself.

"No one's coming, it's just us four. I can give you something to help you relax, would like you like that?"

He nodded.

"Ok, I'm going to pass you a cup of water and a couple of pills. They won't work right away, but they will help you relax…"

"What's wrong with me?!" he cried.

"You're sick, Matt, so everything's really hard right now, really confusing, but you're going to get through this, ok?"

His face became emotionless. "Ok."


	16. Confusion

Kelly didn't visit Matt the day after seeing him in soft restraints, or the day after, and the guilt he felt was immense, but he just couldn't deal with it all. He couldn't see Matt like that, because it wasn't Matt. He was pulled from his thoughts when the doorbell rang. He ignored it, but then came a persistent knocking and before he reached the front door, he heard Shays voice.

"Kelly, you better open this door right now or I'll… well, I'm not leaving, I know you're there so, let me in, all right?"

He opened the door.

"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.

"What do I want? To see if you're all right, I've been calling you and you haven't even bothered to message me back. I'm worried about Matt too," she told him. "Are you going to let me in?"

He stepped aside for her. She headed into the lounge are, Kelly sighed, following her, knowing the mess she was about to discover. She wrinkled her nose as she looked around at the state the house was in, empty beer bottles, dirty dishes on the coffee table and even the floor, throws and pillows that she knew Matt kept meticulously neat had be strewn around, there was some broken glass on the floor, a fist sized hole in the wall and half eaten take away containers.

"You've not slept," she commented, studying him now. There was a worn expression on his face, his eyes were weary, shoulder slumped, and days old stubble on his chin and jaw. "Coffee?" she half-questioned, already heading into the kitchen to make a fresh pot.

Kelly followed her. "Here to judge me?"

"Never," she said simply. "Go shower, I'll give the place a quick tidy."

"No point."

"No point? Won't do Matt any good seeing you like this, and you know he hates mess; everything has a place."

"Don't think he'd care anymore," he retorted.

"He's not always gonna be sick," she told him.

"He's not sick! He's fucking insane!"

Shay remained as calm as ever. "Go shower, I'll tidy up," she instructed.

Kelly left the room and headed towards the staircase begrudgingly. When he returned, Shay had done as she said; the place was almost clean enough for Matts standards.

"You looked better already," Shay told him.

"Was actually quite nice," he admitted. The warm jets of water had washed days of dirt away, he felt cleaner, fresher, and he'd shaved too. He took a fresh mug of coffee from her appreciatively.

"So, what's going on?" she pressed.

"Nothing's changed," he responded.

"It's not going to, he's not gonna magically get better, Kelly."

"I know that, I do," he insisted.

"So what's happened?"

He shook his head slowly. "It's horrible… I can't see him like that…"

"Like what? What happened?"

He sat down on the couch and let out a long breath. "He was begging me to take him home and I walked away. They'd warned me he wasn't having a good day… he'd lashed out, attacked two people, but I thought he was doing all right, he _had_ been doing all right, there'd been some incidents but most the updates were good… I wish I hadn't gone… I wish I hadn't seen him."

"Kelly, he's gonna be up and down, he's gonna be all right and the not all right, but those moments, they will lessen as he gets better, they will," she assured him.

He shook his head. "He's lost so much weight… why isn't he eating?"

"I don't know, but he is in the best place, they are taking care of him," she responded.

"They are, and I think his… his episodes… they have reduced, and he's hardly been there any time at all," he surmised.

"Exactly, just think in a few weeks time, he might be doing even better," she said positively.

"Yeah, yeah," he responded, nodding. "He must be so scared though, I mean, he is scared, but when he's, well, himself, must be horrible to have all this happening… and be in a strange place…"

"That's why it's nice that you're going to keep visiting him," Shay told him.

"I can't see him strapped to a bed again," he said.

"Then make the decision not to, if you can't do that, don't. If he's having a bad day, go later on, or if you get there and something's happened then go home," she suggested.

"Doesn't seem fair, it's Matt, whatever's happening to him… it's Matt, too many people have already hurt. I can't be one of those people. Not if all that is why he's going through this… I knew he was a mess, we joked about his issues and… we joked about it all? Did I do this? Should I have made him talk to me?"

"You know that wouldn't have worked," she said.

"I don't know what to do…"

"Yes you do," she told him. "You're gonna be there for him."

"I'm no good for him."

"He loves you, Kelly. I know you love him. You _are_ good for each other. And this is gonna be hard but you'll both get through it."

"Nothing's going to be the same again…"

"Some things will be."

* * *

Matt was frantically trying to move away from the shadows that surrounded him. They were getting closer and closer. Touching him, holding him. He bolted. Something strong held him. There was a sharp pain in his thigh and his movements slowed, like he was trying to move through wet cement. The shadows were all over him again. Then he heard voices. He slammed his hands over his ears, the sound was deafening. Over and over and over again he tried to escape the noise until it became impossible. He couldn't move, and his thoughts faded away into nothingness.

"Thought you said he'd agreed to it?"

"He had…" the nurse said softly. She turned her attention back to Matt, they'd got him back on his bed now the sedation had kicked in, there were tear tracks down his cheeks, his eyes were open but glazed, and his lips were parted, mouth opening and closing every so often but no sound came out. "All right, honey, this won't take long," she told him as she prepped for the NG tube insertion.

Matt's eating habits hadn't improved despite warnings that they would take the matter into their own hands. He insisted that he wasn't hungry, but he had lost a dramatic amount of weight, and the lack of nutrition wasn't doing his mental health any good either. He had accepted it when they'd told him they'd be giving him an NG tube to make sure he got all the calories and nutrition he needed, but as soon as they'd started to prepare him for the short procedure, he'd freaked, hitting his own head and clambering away from the nurse and her assistant.

He still resisted even with the sedation as the NG tube was inserted, but the orderly held him still. Once it was done the nurse made sure it was in the correct position, she then started his first feed before tidying up. She remained in the room with him after the orderly had gone, waiting for him to come around from the mild sedation. It didn't take long.

Less than an hour after they were satisfied Matt had come around from the sedation, he pulled out the tube, they'd seen it from the video monitor. He'd been sitting on the edge of the bed, rocking back and forth slowly and out of nowhere pulled the long tube out.

The nurse paged the doctor and went back to his room, knocking briefly before entering. Matt was still sitting on the bed, tube in his hands, tears and snot on his face.

"Hey, Matt, what d'you do that for, hey?" she asked him softly, looking at the NG tube.

He looked up at her wordlessly.

"This needs to stay in, honey, we spoke about it, remember?"

He didn't respond.

"Matt?"

His eyes wandered away from her.

"Matt, can you hear me?" she asked him as the doctor arrived.

"You need a restraint order?" the doctor asked as he came into the room.

"Mittens," she told the man, stepping towards him. "He pulled out his NG tube."

"He's been combative today, I already signed for the Versed, won't be safe to just use mittens, what do you think?"

"He's calmed down with the meds, just don't want him to pull out the tube again," she responded, glancing at Matt.

"Gotta stick with state laws, for his safety, he'll need the restraints as well, we should be able to remove them pretty quickly," the doctor said before heading over to Matt who hadn't appeared to be taking any notice of them. "Matt, we need to reinsert your NG tube, I don't want you to pull it out again, will you try to, or are you calm now?"

Matt paid him no attention.

"Matt?"

"He's been unresponsive since I came in," the nurse said.

"Matt, can you hear me? Matthew?"

Matt snapped to attention. "Huh… sorry… what?" he said quietly, looking down when he felt something warm spreading between his legs. "Oh… sorry…"

They looked down at Matts grey joggers, discovering a spreading wet patch.

The nurse placed a hand on his arm. "It's ok, Matt. Accidents happen. Are you feeling unwell?" she asked.

"I… I… I… fine…"

"Do you know where you are?" she asked.

Matt opened his mouth, and closed it again, making a guttural sound as he did. He opened and closed it again, staring at the nurse.

"Can you tell me your name?"

Matt just continued to open and close his mouth, lips never closing. A strand of drool trickled down his chin as he continued to stare at the nurse, head cocked at an angle that didn't look at all comfortable.

"Tell me your name?" the nurse asked again as the doctor looked on, waiting for a reaction.

Matts right hand moved, knocking against his leg rhythmically. He blinked and his eyes focused. "Sorry… wha… happen…" He swallowed and tried again. "Sorry, what's happening?"

"Where'd you go?"

He frowned, hand still moving rhythmically. "Where?"

"Can you tell me your name?" she asked him

He was still frowning as he responded. "Matt."

"Where are you?"

"Mental hospital…" he said with an eye roll.

"You pulled out your NG tube," she told him.

Matt didn't respond. He couldn't remember being given one, he could remember agreeing to one, but as hard as he thought, he had no recollection of getting one.

"Matt?"

"I… I don't…" He was shaking his head.

"You don't remember?"

He looked at them, teary eyed, and then he realised something else. He looked down and confirmed his thoughts; he'd pissed himself. "Why…" he began, struggling. "Why aren't I better? Getting better?"

"You've been here less than a fortnight, Matt," the doctor spoke.

"Turning into mom… worse than mom… can't let me leave… I'll kill someone…"

"Do you _want_ to kill someone?" the doctor asked.

"No…"

"I didn't think so," the man responded.

"You can't let me go…"

"You're here, and you're safe, and wouldn't kill anyone if you weren't here,"

"Killed Andy. Saw him burn. Can still smell it."

"Andy's death was an accident," the doctor responded. They'd spoken about his death in their sessions at great length; it was something laying heavily in his mind.

"Killed dad…" he added quietly.

"Your mom killed your dad," the doctor stated.

"Because of me."

"Why do you say that?"

"She told me…" he whispered.

The nurse glanced a worried look to the doctor. Her heart ached for Matt, hearing what he was saying now.

"What did she tell you?" the doctor pressed.

"She did it to save me," he answered.

"Because your dad was hurting you?"

"He loved me," he said.

"He put you in hospital more than once… fractured skull, broken ribs, broken arm, multiple bruises, and that's just what I can remember off the top of my head."

His shook his head. "My fault."

"Why was it your fault?"

"I was an accident, they only wanted one child… and I… I was different…"

"Different?" the man questioned.

"I liked boys… everyone hated that… I tried to like girls… in the group homes when they found out… I… they… I tried… I really tried to like girls…"

"What happened, Matt?"

"I want to go home," he said adamantly.

"I know, and you will be able to eventually," the doctor reassured him.

"I need to leave… I can't do this…"

* * *

Later that day Matt tried to hurt himself once the restraints were removed. He was completely aware of his actions. He wasn't delusional, he wasn't having a hallucination. He just wanted it all to end. He wasn't himself anymore. He had spent several hours realising there was no chance he'd be able to get out of the building, and he couldn't get hold of anything that could cause himself any harm, so he did the next best thing. He asked to use the bathroom, saying he wanted a shower. There were no cameras in the shower stalls.

He turned the shower on, then slammed his head against the tiled wall until he became dizzy.

"Almost done in there, Matt?"

He wanted to respond, he knew he should respond, he needed to so there was no suspicious, but he couldn't find the words and the world around him was fading in and out.

"Matt?"

His body slumped onto the wall, too dizzy and weak to continue. He'd ruined everything. He couldn't even hurt himself properly. He'd be taken back to his room, he'd have another episode, the voices would come back and he'd be lost to the world again. He wanted out, and he'd just failed.

**TBC**


	17. Aware

Matt woke up in familiar surroundings. He moved, but was stopped. There were padded restraints on his wrists and ankles. He let out a sigh. He had no idea how much time had passed. He stared up at the ceiling until his vision glazed over, becoming aware that he wasn't even sure if it was still the same day anymore.

The door opened and he groaned inwardly.

"Hey, Matt," the man announced. It was the nurse who worked at the weekend, meaning Matt had lost at least one day. "How you doing?"

He didn't acknowledge the man.

"If you speak to me, I might be able to remove the restraints. Just wanna ask you some questions. Feeling calmer now?"

"I'm calm," he said.

"Do you want to hurt yourself?"

Matt frowned. "Wha… what kinda question's that? You know I could just be lying, right?"

"You could lie, but I don't think you will, I think you want to get better."

"And… and I think you say that to every… to everyone," Matt retorted.

"I wouldn't be a good nurse if I wanted people to get worse, would I?"

Matt glanced at him then turned his attention back to the ceiling. "I hurt myself on purpose, I wasn't… I wasn't delusional, I wasn't having a hallucination. You should keep me tied up."

"Why?"

"I'm dangerous, I could hurt you," Matt said.

"Do you want to hurt me?"

Matt shook his head. "No, but you need to keep me tied up."

"Would it make a difference if I told you that Kelly is here?"

Matt looked at him. "He's here? Does he know?"

The nurse nodded. "He does."

"Does… does… does he hate me?"

"No," the man responded. "Would you like to see him? And would you like me to remove the restraints?"

Matt nodded.

* * *

When Kelly stepped into Matts room he was sitting on the side of the bed, Kelly strode over to him and enveloped him in his arms, hugging him tightly. Matt didn't return the hug, he stared into the distance, but he didn't try to pull away. Kelly moved back after a short while, still holding Matts shoulders.

"I love you," he stated.

Matt could see the love in his eyes. It was real, but he didn't understand why.

"I love you," Kelly repeated.

Matt crumpled into his body and Kelly took his weight as he sobbed. He exhausted himself, falling asleep in Kelly's arms.

Once Kelly settled Matt into bed, he left the room quietly, the doctor wanted to speak to him. Kelly's heart was pounding as he followed the man into the office, he never felt this nervous heading into a burning building. He took a seat when the doctor did and tried to appear less anxious than he felt and he spoke before the doctor could.

"I know you said he did this on purpose, but he can't have done," Kelly said, firmly believing Matt was had been having an episode the previous day.

"He told us he did it on purpose, Kelly," the doctor responded.

"Well, he was lying, he's not in his right frame of mind," Kelly continued.

"No, he isn't, but he still capable of making plans and trying to carry them out," Doctor Cohen told him.

"What does it mean now? Is he getting worse? Is he ever going to feel better?"

"Kelly, has he ever expressed any dark thoughts to you?"

"Dark thoughts?"

"That he's had enough, doesn't want to carry on… Anything he's said in the past," the doctor explained.

It took Kelly some time to respond, thinking carefully about what he was going to say next. "I… erm… I… I found him, couple years ago… he'd swallowed a load of pills, if I'd not got there in time… I promised him I'd never tell anyone. Our best friend had died a week before and I'd… I'd lashed out at him for it… I didn't think anyone needed to know, he was grieving and I was being ass to him…"

"Suicide is suicide, Kelly," the man responded sombrely. "That was his second attempt, and we don't know how often he's come close to another attempt."

"He's not suicidal…" Kelly fell silent as his spoke. "He can't be… he was happy, he told me he was happy and I believed him."

"Matt hates to be seen as a burden to anyone," the doctor said.

"He was getting good at talking to me, I think I always figured he was depressed but, he really was doing all right and then he had a seizure and it's all fallen apart. He trusted me not to tell anyone… he doesn't trust easily…"

"I know, but if we had known, we would have been able to prevent it from happening again," Doctor Cohen told him.

Kelly's heart sank, he'd done the wrong thing again.

"You had his best interests at heart, I realise that, but Matt is not in a good place right now," the man continued.

"Even when he's not delusional…" Kelly added. "Is something causing this? What was wrong with his mom? Is this the same?"

"Possibly," the doctor said. "His mom has schizophrenia."

"That can be genetic? And it can happen now? I mean, he's 33…"

"Genetics can play a part in it, and late onset isn't uncommon," he responded.

"Is that why his mom killed his dad?" Kelly asked.

"She was having an acute episode at the time according to Matts records."

"And Matts having an acute episode now?"

"It's likely," the doctor said.

"Likely?"

"Everything's pointing to a schizophrenic diagnosis right now. He's also severely depressed, and has been depressed for a long time," the doctor responded.

"Schizophrenic... does that change anything?" Kelly asked.

"No, we're going to continue treating him the same way for now."

Kelly nodded. "Ok… is it… is it good that we know what's probably causing this?"

"It is," Doctor Cohen said.

"Ok," he responded, nodding again. "Is there anything I can do? I feel like I'm not helping him at all…"

"If you'd like you can join him for one of his therapy sessions if he doesn't object?"

"Yeah, all right, I can do that," he said as he stood up. He wanted some privacy now, he needed to take in everything the doctor had been saying. "Thank you, I'll be back tomorrow."

"Bye, Kelly."

* * *

Kelly entered Matts room the next day. He was sitting on the chair and looking through the window, he was gently rocking back and forth, but he turned when the door closed behind Kelly. He'd noticed the NG tube the previous day but it had been obscured by the pillow Matt was lying on, he could see it clearly now though, but he was just pleased he'd not tried to pull it out again, it seemed as though Matt had been doing well after hurting himself, Kelly could now see a bruise on the side of his forehead, and he hoped he'd continue without any incidents for a while. Perhaps that was because of the medication he was now having. They'd all agreed that for the time being, for Matts own safety, he'd be given a small dose of benzodiazepines, even Matt had agreed to them. His consent wasn't required, but they always gave him the opportunity to give permission and explain what was happening.

"Hi," he greeted Kelly with a smile.

Kelly's heart leapt. "Hey, you look better today," he responded, returning the smile.

Matt looked at him for a moment before responding. "I showered, and shaved… under supervision. I don't want to kill myself with a razor though," he told Kelly.

"Rules I guess," Kelly replied slowly. "Matt…"

"I'm not suicidal," he retorted.

"You tried to kill yourself the other day," Kelly said.

"I feel good though, Kelly," he enthused, smiling.

"I'm glad. And I'm sorry about last week, that I didn't get you out of here… I… erm… I'm sorry. It must have been really scary for you and I haven't apologised for it yet, I am sorry," Kelly said, not wanting Matt to hold a grudge against him for it, he still felt bad for leaving that day. He hoped it wasn't one of the contributing factors that led to Matt wanting to hurt himself. 

"The…" He frowned. "Last week?"

"Yeah… you, you had an episode," Kelly responded.

"Oh, sorry… I don't know…"

"But you remember you tried to hurt yourself? We didn't talk at all yesterday and I…"

"I'm really good now, Kelly, I do feel good, I'm getting better, I'll be back home soon, and back at work," Matt told him, smiling almost wildly.

"Matt, you hurt yourself, they said it wasn't an episode… we don't need to talk about it, I guess, if you don't want to. Fancy a trip outside to the communal garden? The nurse said we could go if you wanted to."

"It's more like a patch of grass," Matt said.

"Well, you wanna show me this patch of grass?" he asked.

Matt's expression changed. "Wait… I don't know what's going on? What episode?"

"It's fine, Matt, really," he said.

"What's wrong with me?" Matt asked, smile now gone.

"It's ok, Matt, you're sick, none of this is your fault," he responded.

"I'm crazy?"

"I don't think that's the politically correct term, but yeah, you're crazy but I love you," Kelly said light-heartedly.

Matt smiled widely again. "You love me?"

"I love you," he told him sincerely.

Matts cheeks flushed. "No one loves me… no one _likes_ me… you love crazy me?"

"I love crazy you," Kelly said.

"Cool…"

"Matt, actually I need to tell you something," he began.

"You don't love me?"

"No, I love you more than anything in the world… which is why I told them..."

"Told them? Told them what?" Matt asked him.

"About how after Andy… you struggled a lot," he said.

"You did too," Matt responded.

"Yeah, I did… but difference is, I didn't OD," he retorted. He cleared his throat and took a breath. "Garden? We've got less than an hour before you need to be back for meds."

Matt looked to the window; the sun was shining brightly. "No hat."

Kelly smiled, pulling a Squad 3 cap from his pocket, shaking it as it had been stuffed it inside. He placed it on Matts head, his blond hair stuck out, but he smiled.

"Not on Squad," Matt said simply.

"Well, you are today. How does it feel to be one of the cool kids?"

Matt pouted. "Truck's cool…"

"Have you seen your crew?"

"Have you seen yours?" Matt retorted.

"Ok, then, lieutenants are the cool kids," he said with a smile.

"Ok, cool…"

Kelly smiled, although Matt wasn't himself, he'd rather this behaviour than the alternative. He put his arm around him and they headed out of the room, Matt stumbled a little but held on to Kelly.


	18. Movie

Shay smiled when Kelly sat down on the bar stool next to her. She passed him the beer she'd got for him. It was getting late, but Kelly was glad he'd gone out to meet her, he hadn't been back to work although he was starting to think the distraction would be good for him, being alone in the house wasn't helping his negative thoughts.

"How was he?" she asked him.

"Drugged out his mind…"

"Really?"

Kelly shrugged a little. "Wasn't that bad, but they're giving him benzos every four hours during the day," he explained.

"Nothing else was working?"

"They've been trying everything, even tried moving him to another room, a smaller one with no window, in case it was too stimulating or whatever… made no difference… and then with him, well, trying to hurt himself too…"

"What are they giving him?"

"Valium, they increased his Haldol dose the other day too," he told her.

"Haldol? I thought he was having Compazine?" she said, recalling the pot of pills she'd discovered weeks ago.

"They changed it a couple of weeks ago, not that he was he taking them all the time anyway…"

"Didn't give it much chance to work," she commented.

"The Haldol's better suited apparently… since he worsened… can we talk about something else? I mean, I want to talk about Matt, but… they're drugging him, Shay… I know it won't be forever, and Matt agreed to the Valium, but still…"

"It's hard, scary even," she empathised.

"It's terrifying… seeing him like that, not himself… I mean, what is he thinking? He's so scared and worried, and then he seems fine… I mean… not fine… he's really not himself but he was laughing and joking with me earlier, acting as if he hadn't tried to hurt himself…"

"Kelly, I know you're talking to me, but I was thinking, maybe it would be good if you spoke to a professional too, get some support with this…"

"You think I'm crazy too?"

"I think this is really hard, and it's not gonna get any easier. Did you sit in on one of his therapy sessions today?"

He shook his head. "In a few days, as long as Matt agrees. And why can't it get any easier? Why can't he just get better? I want him back!"

Shay nodded sympathetically. "Me too."

"I'm going to talk to Boden, need to give him some better updates. He needs to know what's happening. Those two are actually really close, Matt loves… loved his chats with him," Kelly said.

She smiled. "Do you know why that it is?"

"Should I?"

She chuckled. "You can be pretty dense sometimes, you know…"

"Hey! You're supposed to be comforting me!"

"They don't chat about work all the time," she told him.

"Yeah, Matt gets on with pretty much anyone..."

Shay was still smiling. "What do you and Boden have in common?"

"My dad, I guess," he said with shrug. "Oh…"

"Yeah, oh," she responded at his realisation.

"No?"

"You don't thing he has a father figure to look up to?"

"Yeah, but it's Boden… he's our chief…"

"You look up to him too, he just plays a slightly more important role in Matt's life," Shay responded.

Kelly shook his head. "His life's so fucked up."

"Do you think I could visit him?" she asked.

"I'm sure that'd be fine… he's not himself though…"

"I know, Kelly," she said, placing a hand on his arm.

"Might do him some good to see someone else, probably fed up of my face," he replied.

"I doubt that."

* * *

Shay's visit had been approved, by the hospital and Matt. She was nervous to see him, but it was something she wanted to do, for Matts sake and hers, but she was worried because of the reaction he'd had all those weeks ago when she'd come to the house.

Matt was lying on his left side, back facing the door, when she entered. The head nurse had spoken to her briefly beforehand, explaining about the cameras and also letting her know that Matt hadn't spoken today, but was being cooperative and was happy for Shay to see him still.

Before she spoke, Shay made sure Matt was awake, she didn't want to disturb him if he wasn't. His eyes were open and glazed. She could see his hands trembling.

She smiled and sat down. "Hey, Matt. I was told you don't really wanna talk today, I get that, I can do enough talking for the both us, right?" She glanced around the room. "I'm not a fan of the yellow, suppose it's meant to be calming."

Matts eyes moved, finding hers.

"I can't imagine you like this shade of yellow, maybe a warmer shade though," she said.

Matt looked away again, scrunching his eyes shut for a moment.

"A warm colour and a lot of throws and pillows," Shay continued.

He was frowning now. "Shay?"

"Yeah, it's me," she told him, smiling.

"What you doin' here?" he asked quietly.

"Came to see you," she said.

"They think I'm crazy," he commented.

Shay held a breath.

"Kelly says I'm sick, but I don't feel sick," Matt continued.

She let out the breath she'd held. "I'm glad you don't feel sick."

"Kelly says I'm clingy when I'm sick," he said, words slurring together.

"Does he?"

"Kelly says he likes it… that I'm clingy, not that I'm sick, but I'm not sick or clingy now though," Matt answered.

She smiled at him.

"Kelly says… he says everything's going to be ok," he added quietly, looking ahead past Shay.

"He's right," she responded.

"He always is," Matt said. "Except about the weather, where all the fish are and how to make an omelette."

She frowned. "He can't make an omelette?"

"He can, just not the right way," he explained, shaking his head.

"Oh, I didn't know there was a wrong way."

"It's a weird way," he clarified.

"Do they still taste good?"

"I guess…"

She chucked. "That's all that matters then."

There was a quick knock at the door before a nurse walked in, she was carrying a tray and wearing a smile on her face. "How are you doing, Matt?"

He nodded in response and Shay stood up to leave, thinking they'd need privacy.

"Just meds and lunch, isn't it, Matt?" she spoke, addressing him whilst letting Shay know she could stay. Although she wasn't sure she wanted to stay, not if Matt was going to refuse the nurse.

But he didn't, he swallowed down the medication, proving that he had, and didn't object when the feed pump was connected to his NG tube.

"All done for now, honey, and movie night later, you're going to join us all, yeah?"

"That sounds good," Shay spoke when Matt remained silent.

Matt frowned, looking at the two of them, as if he'd thought he'd been alone. "Good?"

"Movie tonight, sound good?" Shay responded, giving his arm a comforting squeeze.

"Sure," he said.

"All right, be back in soon, Matt," the nurse told him.

"Goodbye," he responded monotonously.

Shay was looking at the NG tube now, she'd not said anything about it, and had tried her best not to gaze at it before, but she shouldn't help it now, and Matt was still turned to the door, having watched the nurse leave. He had lost so much weight, his jawline was even more defined than usual, and his cheekbones were sharp, it wouldn't have been a bad look without the hollowed cheeks and ashen skin. His arms were covered in bruises too and the neckline on his t-shirt hung loosely, exposing stretched skin over bone.

"Hey," she spoke, catching his attention. "I saw some games when I came in, wanna play something. Not chess though, I don't want you to thrash me easily."

"It's missing pieces," he said.

"Oh."

"I think someone swallowed them," he explained as if it was the most normal thing to say.

"Oh… now I'm curious," Shay responded.

"Probably wanted to die," he told her.

"Right, let's move on from that then…."

"I'm not suicidal, don't worry… just a bit crazy," he said despite recent events. "No games, had meds. They're good."

"Good?"

"Stop me hurting people, stop the voices I think…"

"You think?" she asked him.

"I get to see the alpacas… they like me…"

"I like you," she told him, smiling.

Matt frowned, turning to look at her. There was a different expression on his face now. "Huh?"

"Maybe I should let you get some rest, don't want you to sleep through movie night," she said.

"You're coming back?" he asked

"Yeah, you want me to?"

He smiled. "Yes, please."

She leant down and gave his forehead a gentle kiss. "I'll see you soon, Matt."  
  


* * *

After Shay left, Matt drifted off to sleep, waking to use the bathroom after asking for permission. He even ate one slice of toast at dinnertime before the nurse attached his NG tube to the feeding pump, and then it was time for movie night. He glanced around at the others in the common room, he'd kept to himself since he'd been admitted, there'd been a few attempts to get him to participate in the group therapy sessions, as well as the arts and crafts activities but he preferred to stay away from everyone.

He was sitting at the back of the room as the movie played. His attention wondered and he found himself gazing up at the ceiling, mind unnervingly blank, mouth parted and drooling, creating a wet patch of saliva on his sweatshirt. His eyes rolled back and his body began to convulse. He fell from the chair and knew no more.


	19. Seizures

Kelly received a phone call from the hospital. The nurse had started by saying that Matt was fine, but she'd wanted to let Kelly know that he'd just had a seizure. So, when Kelly came to see Matt the following day, he found him sleeping. He had a conversation with the doctor, concerned that Matt'd had another seizure, despite being told before they were happening because of a lack of sleep, Matt was sleeping well now, in fact, he was probably over sleeping.   
  
The nurse informed them that Matt was awake so Kelly went to sit with him.

Matt was unresponsive but seemed to recognise Kelly. He was lying on his back, jaw slack, mouth parted, eyes open but glazed. Kelly spoke to him, watching him the entire time for any change. Maybe this was physical, and Kelly felt a glimmer of hope at the thought, because the idea of Matt being schizophrenic scared him more than he would ever admit because there'd been no improvement, in fact he'd only got worse. But they'd done so many tests, and Kelly had discovered so much about Matt's past, he could see why he was struggling mentally, and why the doctor was leaning towards schizophrenia.

He was brought out of his thoughts when Matt groaned, saliva trickling out his mouth as if he didn't have the capacity to swallow.

"Baby?"

Matt turned his head towards the familiar voice, and even though his vision was blurred he recognised Kelly.

"You had another seizure last night," Kelly told him, wanting to explain why he probably felt very groggy right now.

Matts eyes eventually found his.

"Don't worry, you don't need to do anything, just chill," Kelly said.

After a while Matt did speak. It was slurred and unintelligible to start with, random words garbled together.

"Matt?" Kelly tried his best not to be concerned, but he couldn't understand a word Matt was trying to say. He took his hand, almost hoping that Matt wasn't aware, not wanting him to think that Kelly wasn't responding to him.

Matt looked at him, eyes slowly focusing. "K… K… Kel?"

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Mmm…" he responded, more focused on sitting up, or at least trying to, he could barely lift his head.

"Wanna move?" Kelly asked him.

Matt gave him a singular nod; it took all the effort in the world to get his body to obey his thoughts.

"I'll help you sit up?"

When Matt didn't protest, Kelly gently moved Matt so he was a little more upright, supported by a few pillows and the wall behind the bed.

"How's that?"

"Mmm…" he responded, letting his head roll to the side, unable to hold it up. He said nothing more, but Kelly remained with him for some time. Thoughts slowly flittered in and out but nothing remained long enough to give much attention, everything vanished. Everything vanished except for Kelly. Kelly was sitting next to him, he knew that, and he was holding his hand. The warmth and familiarity was comforting.

After some time, Matt seemed to recover from the seizure, gathering his senses and becoming more aware. Kelly couldn't have been happier to see Matt smiling at him, and talking.

* * *

Two days later, Matt had another seizure. Kelly had been with him at the time and once he was dozing on the bed afterwards, Kelly stormed into Doctor Cohens office. The man had been eating his lunch with his phone to his ears as Kelly demanded another neurologist looked at Matt, because there must be another reason Matt was having seizures gain. The doctor finished his phone call quickly.

"That was Doctor Murphy, a neurologist from the university hospital, she's coming to see Matt when her shift ends," Doctor Cohen explained simply.

"Oh… sorry…"

"It's fine, Kelly, I understand. I'm concerned as well."

Doctor Murphy arrived later that day, she greeted Kelly in the reception area and they walked alone to the ward together. She explained how she'd gone through Matts files, but wanted the account from Kelly too as he had been with Matt since the first seizure. Kelly spoke to her at length in one of the private family rooms.

"Thank you, Kelly," she said, taking down a few final notes.

"He seems to have really deteriorated in the last twenty-four hours, he's been really struggling with his speech and coordination every so often, but doing well at times too. I've not seen everything but… ah, here he is," Kelly said, as Doctor Cohen entered the room.

"Phoebe," the doctor greeted.

"Hello, Robert, shall we speak in your office first and then I'll see Matt," she responded.

He nodded, and indicated for her to head out into the corridor. "You know where it is," he said with a smile.

Kelly left the two of them to it and headed to Matts room. He was sitting with Matt when the neurologist entered a short while later, she spoke to Kelly briefly and then took a seat on the chair Kelly had previously been occupying.

"Hello, Matt, I'm Doctor Phoebe Murphy, it's nice to meet you, I've been told a lot of things about you," she began warmly. "All good, don't worry."

Kelly watched as Matt opened his mouth, as if he was going to respond, but it closed, and his eyes remain unfocused. He'd been mostly unresponsive since Kelly had entered the room earlier on.

The doctor took a seat by Matts bed. "I'm a neurologist, Matt, and if you don't mind, I'd like to do some tests. I'm not going to hurt you and Kelly can stay with us too."

An unintelligible noise escaped Matts lips.

"Ok, Matt, I'm going ask you to do a few things for me. First, can you tell me your full name?" she asked him gently.

"M… Matt… Casey…"

"Great, do you know where you are?"

Matt shook his head.

"That's fine. You're in a psychiatric hospital," she told him. "Can you repeat this sentence for me; the cat jumped off the couch."

He remained silent; eyes unable to focus on her.

"That's ok, Matt. I'd now like you to squeeze my hands," she said, taking his hands in her own, lifting them a little.

It took a few moments, but eventually Matt squeezed.

"Thank you, Matt. Can you push against my hands now please… good, thank you… I'd like you to keep your arms up for me now," she told him before letting go of his hands.

Matts arms remained in place, but his hands trembled.

"Thank you," she said with a smile. "You can put them down now."

Matt did as she said.

"Good. You're doing really well, Matt. Not much more to do now," she continued. "Can you get off the bed for me, please?"

Matt didn't respond right away, but he gave a singular nod and slowly started to move.

"Walk towards Kelly with me," she said, by his side once he was standing.

Matt hesitated but then took some slow unsteady steps forward, it took all his concentration to get his legs to move, his coordination failed and he stumbled, using the doctor's arm to help stay upright, then he continued.

"Ok, Matt, thank you, you can get back on the bed," she told him and once he was settled, she continued. "Almost done now. Can follow my finger with your eyes, please."

Slowly she drew a letter H in the air, watching his eye movements. He struggled to focus and follow her finger, his eyes were uncoordinated, and there was some nystagmus.

"Thanks, Matt. Is your vision blurry at all?" she asked him.

Matt either hadn't heard or understood, he seemed completely unaware that he'd been asked a question.

"Is your vision blurry, Matt?" she repeated.

"I… I…"

"It's ok, take your time," she said.

"Don't."

"You don't know? Is it blurry sometimes, not all the time?"

He gave her an accentuated nod.

"Ok, one last thing, then we're done," she told him. "Can you close your eyes, then touch your nose with your finger."

Matt tried, but failed to touch his nose, he didn't realise though.

"Open your eyes please, Matt, and touch your nose with your finger," she told him, wanting to see if it would make a difference.

Kelly watched as Matt tried and missed again.

"Ok, Matt, we're all done," she told him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You can get some rest, Kelly and I will give you some privacy."

Kelly took the cue, he walked up to Matt and gave his forehead a quick kiss. "You did good, baby. I'll be back soon."  
  


* * *

Once outside of Matts room the doctor and Kelly walked through the corridor, heading towards the exit. They stopped when they were alone.

"Do you know what's wrong with him?" Kelly asked.

"There's definitely something neurological going on, I would like to do some more tests, I think it will be a good idea to transfer him to my department," she replied.

Kelly blanched at the idea of transferring him again after what had happened last time. And he felt guilty once again. "So we just missed all this and…"

"No, I've seen his test results and notes from all previous examinations, what's happening is worsening," she told him.

"It's not all in his head?"

"I'm sure there's something physical going on, I have a few ideas but I want to be sure, there seem to be a lot of fluctuating symptoms," she explained.

"Will he be ok? Will he get better?"

"I want to give you an answer, and hopefully I'll be able to soon," she told him. "We'll get him transferred first thing in the morning, if you agree?"

Kelly nodded, wanting to be hopeful they would get answers and Matt could get better.


	20. Fix

Shay dropped Kelly off at the hospital in the morning, stating she was happy to join him if he wanted, knowing how worried Kelly was about the transfer. He'd said no, but thanked her and steeled himself as he got out of the car. If all went well, he'd travel with Matt to the university hospital in a few hours' time.

Thankfully for all involved the transfer began well, and Kelly hopped into the back of the ambulance, sitting by Matt who was lying on his back, strapped to the gurney. At first, he'd thought they'd given Matt something, making him sleepy, he'd been clinging to Kelly's arm as they travelled out of the building together. Kelly had reassured him everything was fine. He was confused, and had been scared at first, but Kelly's presence calmed him.

Kelly held his hand, it had been a struggle to see Matt trying to cling to his arm with failing coordination and his weak hold. He'd managed to eat a little food for breakfast before they gave him something through the NG tube, but Kelly was concerned the disorienting journey might make him feel nauseous, but they soon arrived without incident.

They met one of the nurses from the critical care neurological ward and Matt managed to get himself off the gurney with some assistance and into the awaiting wheelchair. His movements were clumsy and weak, but Kelly supported him.

Matt's new room was far more clinical, which Kelly had expected, but it was still nice and there was even a large cushioned window seat as part of the furniture, all interconnected with some shelving, drawers, and even a mirror by the private bathroom. The hospital bed was large, with a pale blue blanket over the white sheets, there was a fresh gown folded at the end, and spare blankets on one of the shelves. There were also two chairs in the room as well as a TV connected to the bed, it looked like it could be positioned over the bed and moved into whatever position Matt wanted.

The nurse and orderly left them to get settled in, asking Matt to change from his sweatpants and hoody into the gown ready for the tests. A barrage of tests were planned for the day. Matts awareness grew after arriving at the hospital, he didn't seem worried or scared of the change though, in fact, Kelly realised how his paranoia had lessened over the last week or so.

Doctor Murphey entered the room with the nurse a short while after Matt had settled on the bed. "Hi, Matt, how are you?"

Matt nodded, acknowledging her.

"Ok, Matt, we've got a few things planned for the next couple of days, I want to do some more tests so we can figure out what's going on," she told Matt.

He groaned in response, at least that's what it sounded like to Kelly, he wasn't sure if Matt had been trying to say something or not. He'd not spoken at all so far today.

"Not how I'd want to spend my day either, but my staff and I will make this as comfortable as possible for you," she explained. She moved a cart over to the bedside. "Got this really funky headgear for you to wear for the next twenty-four hours, you had an EEG a while back, this is very similar, you'll just be wearing it for a longer period so we can try and detect any unusual activity."

Kelly gave Matt a reassuring smile as he watched him eying the electrodes suspiciously.

All the electrodes were put into position, and there was a lot of them, and then gently the nurse covered them in a tensor bandage, going once under his chin to stop it all from moving. Once his head was wrapped, the wires were tidied up, wrapped into one neat line. The doctor spoke to him the whole time. "So, you shouldn't become tangled in any of the wires and you can rest your head, walk about, pretty much anything with it on," she told him, adjusting it so that it fit him comfortably. His blond hair, which had grown longer than Kelly had ever seen him have it, poke through the white netted material.

She switched the monitor on, it would record everything so that it could all be looked at and reviewed.

"Always said you looked good wearing anything," Kelly commented, giving Matt a smile.

Matt smiled back at him but he wasn't sure why, he just figured it was the right thing to do.

"Ok, so now, Matt, we're gonna take some blood, and we've got the MRI booked for you in an hour, then we'll do a PET scan and then spinal tap," she told him, speaking to Kelly as well, as the nurse wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Matts arm. His BP was low which the doctor had expected, and they would continue to monitor it. "That'll be it for today. It sounds like a lot, I know, but it's for the best. And we'll be doing more tests tomorrow as well."

* * *

Several hours later and Kelly was still by Matts side. Blood had been taken, his vitals were being continually monitored, the MRI and PET scan had been done, and Matt was still having the continual EEG, the wires were neatly tied together and draped over the back of the bed so as not to disturb Matt too much. Next was the spinal tap, the one test Kelly was most worried about since he was concerned it would be painful.

"Do you think there's an infection? His blood tests didn't show anything last time," Kelly said as the doctor and nurse prepped Matt for the spinal tap.

"We're getting everything tested for more than just standard infections, and the spinal fluid can give us more information than a standard blood test," the doctor explained. "Depending on the results, which we'll get overnight, we'll do some more tests and different scans tomorrow."

"You have an idea what this could be?" Kelly asked.

"I do, his MRI showed inflammation which hadn't been there in his last scan. But I need to exclude some things first," the doctor responded.

"Excluding things is good a thing, I guess," he commented.

"We'll know more after these results," she told him.

"Sorry, I just want to know what's happening to him, it's been two months…"

"I should be able to give you some answers in a day or two," she told him before speaking louder, addressing Matt now that everything was ready for the procedure. "All right, Matt, can you move onto your side for me, doesn't matter which, whatever you're comfortable with."

Matt remained still, his eyes were open and he had heard the doctors request, but he couldn't even move his head, he stayed still, looking at her greying blonde hair and kind weathered features.

"Matt?" Kelly spoke up.

He groaned in response, unable to do anything more. His fingers were curled and wrists bent towards his body, they were trembling.

"It's all right, Matt," Doctor Murphy told him. "We're figuring this out, and I think we'll be able to treat it and get you better." She looked at the nurse and spoke again. "Let's get him onto his side."

Kelly held Matt's hand as the procedure took place, it was warm but eerily felt like he was holding a statue now he'd stopped trembling. Matt coped well with the spinal tap, the doctor had talked him through what was happening and it had been painless, for that Kelly was grateful as he'd seen the size of the aspiration needle and had blanched at the thought of it going into Matts spine.

"Ok, you need to lay still for the next hour or you'll get a nasty headache," she told Matt as the nurse cleared away the equipment.

Kelly said his thanks on Matts behalf before they left the room. His focus went back to Matt. "You did good, baby."

Matt made a guttural noise, and saliva tracked down the side of his face. Kelly wiped it away before it could hit the pillow. A tear leaked from Kelly's eye; Matt seemed trapped in an uncooperative body, he almost hoped he wasn't aware, but he knew that wasn't the case, he could see it in Matt's eyes, even in those moments when they weren't able to follow any movement. Eye paralysis, the doctor had called it. It seemed to fluctuate like with many of the things Matt was experiencing, but everything seemed to be happening far more often now, and there was little time where there was nothing obviously wrong.

* * *

A few hours after the spinal tap procedure, Matt and Kelly took a short walk around the ward, Matt couldn't manage much more. His movements were getting clumsier by the day, he didn't seem to notice though. Kelly supported him and pushed along the cart as they made the short journey, and they chatted, Matt able to speak again, though he didn't seem to remember being unable to.

"There we go, your room," Kelly said as they turned the corner.

Matt frowned. "Where we?"

"Hospital," he answered simply.

"No…"

"It's a different hospital," Kelly explained.

"Fix?"

Kelly stopped and looked at Matt, who's eyes were unfocused, uneven, his left was drifting away, the lid drooping a little. He had to stop himself from staring, his heart was in his throat. "The doctor is figuring out what's happening… I'm sorry I didn't get you here sooner, I'm sorry I didn't trust myself… I thought it was in your head, like everyone kept telling me… and I'm sorry I learnt about your past without, well, without waiting for you to tell me. I would have waited though. I'm sorry. I would have waited forever."

Matt's expression blanked. "Wha…?"

He forced a smile. "Doesn't matter. Let's get you back to bed."


	21. Doris

Kelly was exhausted when he arrived home from the hospital. he'd spoken to Matts doctor again, worried about the decision to take him off his current medication, because he knew enough to know that things like that needed to happen gradually. The doctor reassured him though, after all, Matt hadn't been on them for a long period and it was more important to remove them as they could actually be making him worse, which surprised Kelly, but he accepted what she'd said and left Matt in their care.

He was also surprised to find someone waiting at the front door.

"Hello, can I help you?"

The woman turned and Kelly vaguely recognised her. "Hi, it's Kelly, right? I'm looking for Matt?"

"Oh erm…"

"I work at the library," she told him.

"Oh, yeah, I remember… it's Doris, right? Maybe you should come inside?" he suggested as he unlocked the door.

She nodded. "Please just tell me if Matt's ok, he has such a dangerous job…"

"Please, come inside," Kelly insisted, opening the door for her.

Doris followed him into the house, glancing around as he led her into the lounge. "It's a nice place you and Matt have," she commented, smiling at the photos which were displayed above the fireplace.

"Matt bought it, it was a mess, he did an amazing job with it," Kelly said.

"Where is Matt? I tried to get hold of him last week, he was late to return his books," she explained, worry evident in her voice.

"Oh… the books…" he repeated, and thinking about it now, he wasn't convinced Matt had even finished one of them.

"Is he ok? I tried not to worry too much, but I'd expected to see him almost two weeks ago now," she asked.

"He's… it's complicated," he admitted.

"Matt is complicated."

"Yeah, he is… How do you know him? Through the library? Seems like there's more to it."

"I've known him since he was a child. What's happened?" she pressed.

"He's sick, they should have some answers soon," he said, exhausted but he realised he was going to have to explain everything to her.

"Soon? How long has he been sick?"

Kelly broke eye contact. "I think he was sick when saw you last time," he admitted, thinking about Matts request to have sex in public.

"It's been two months since then, you don't know what's wrong with him?" she asked him accusatorily.

"Hey, he's never even mentioned you before, why should I…."

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried about him," she said.

"I'm sorry too, it's been a long day," he responded.

"With Matt?"

Kelly nodded. "Take a seat…" He sat down on the smaller couch and began. "It's a long story, I guess, this morning he was transferred from a psychiatric facility to a neurology ward, he had a seizure a while ago, but were told he was psychotic, and I guess he was, but then more stuff happened, another couple of seizures and now he's having more tests."

"His mom is schizophrenic," Doris said, still taking in everything Kelly had just told her.

"Yeah, and there was a load of crap from his childhood that I didn't know about, which all made them think it wasn't physical… I was adamant it was physical for weeks and then… well, I believed them, I thought it was all in his head, and now… now he's really sick…" Tears began to fall from his eyes. "I'm sorry, and I'm sorry you had to find out like this…"

"He was sick when he saw me last time," she said slowly.

"Yeah, I'm certain of it, he was… out of character," he replied.

"Explains why he dragged you along and introduced us," she said. "I didn't know he was gay."

"He doesn't go around announcing it to everyone."

"He doesn't tell anyone anything." She smiled.

"True… I've never met anyone from his childhood before," Kelly told her.

"You probably won't meet anyone else," she responded with a sad smile.

"When did you meet him?"

"He was 13," she began. "This small skinny kid came into the library, with these large blue eyes, don't think he'd ever been into a public library before, he was looking for a book for his school project, his school library didn't have anything left, think the whole class was doing the same topic. It was on South America, he had to choose something from there and make a poster and give a presentation, I remember asking him what he wanted to choose and he just shrugged, he hardly looked at me, so I asked him if he knew anything about alpacas…" She chuckled at the memory.

Kelly frowned. "Alpacas?"

"He just looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language," she continued. "And that was it, saw him once a week after that."

"I never knew," he said.

"I think we both know he doesn't share easily."

"Look, why don't I give you my cell number? I can keep you updated," he suggested.

"Would I be able to see him?"

"Erm… he's really not himself… it's hard, it's hard seeing him like this… or maybe I'm just a shit boyfriend," he said, shrugging, feeling disappointed in himself.

"I know you said he was sick at the time but I still don't think he'd have introduced the two of us if he didn't really love you," Doris said. "How long have you two known each other?"

"We worked together for ages before, well, before he asked me out, kinda, we'd been seeing each kinda casually but Matt doesn't do casual, and he blurted it out, asking if we were official, barely caught a word he said. It's almost been two years now," he told her.

"That's sweet," she said, smiling.

"He's the sweetest, he's so kind and generous, generous with his time and he always wants to help people," he continued.

"That's Matt," she responded.

"Yeah," he said, nodding, smiling at the memories that came to him. "He'll be ok, I'll make sure he is."


	22. Diagnosis

Overnight Matt had wet the bed, and when eating some breakfast, most of it falling back down on the tray, he choked on a small piece of watermelon. He was turning blue before the nurses entered the room and promptly dug some forceps into his throat to pull out the offending piece of soft fruit. The NG tube was now going to be his only source of nutrition, Matt could barely swallow anymore. When Kelly arrived, he was informed of the incident, and he hoped the rest of the tests planned would give them the answers they needed, and he hoped those answers would mean Matt would recover, because everything seemed to have deteriorated so quickly and there was hardly anything left of the man he'd fallen in love with. He was unable to even sit up or hold a conversation most of the time.

Matt was wearing a disposable bib when Kelly entered the room. He walked over to the bed, his legs felt like jelly. He had never imagined being in this situation, how was he even supposed to help? This was worse than Matt being admitted to the psychiatric facility.

"Hey, baby," he greeted, putting on a brave face.

Matt didn't acknowledge him, he stared ahead, unseeing.

"I heard about what happened this morning, must have been really scary," Kelly said. "Won't happen again though."

Saliva dripped from Matts chin onto the bib.

"I'm so shit at this… I'm sorry… I don't know what to say… I know you're in there and I'm sorry… I can't do this without you, I can't keep going home to an empty house… I can't sleep without you…"

Matt remained unresponsive.

"I… erm… I met Doris properly last night," he said, trying to compose himself. He gave Matt a smile as he leant forwards to wipe the saliva from his chin. "Heard about your school project, well, a little about it anyway, maybe you can tell me more about it soon. You chose alpacas? I don't know anything about them."

The door opened, and Kelly was actually grateful to see the nurse enter. "Morning, Kelly. Hey, Matt, how are we doing at the moment?" she greeted as she came over to them.

Matt took no notice of her.

"You've got a full body scan now, a porter will be by to take you, and this afternoon you'll have an ultrasound and an EP test, they're nothing to worry about and Kelly will be able to come along with you, but he'll have to wait outside the room each time," she told Matt, with the dual purpose of explaining things to Kelly as well. "And we'll be able to remove the EEG in a couple of hours too."

"What's an EP test?" Kelly asked.

"It measures brain activity in response to stimulations, there's three test, sound, touch and sight," she told him as she disconnected Matt's NG tube from the pump.

"How come he needs it? I thought the EEG was recording his brain activity?"

"The visual test typically helps to diagnose MS, but…"

"MS? I've heard that… multiple sclerosis… is that what he might have?" Kelly asked her.

"The doctor wants to exclude MS," she explained.

"Ok," Kelly responded. "Least we'll get some answers soon."

She gave him a smile, and left the room.

Kelly took Matts hand. "Not too many tests left now then, baby."

* * *

Matt became more aware as the day progressed, but he didn't utter a single word. The full body scan took place with no incident, Matt slept through it, he also slept through the ultrasound, and Kelly stood outside the room to give him some privacy. Fortunately, when he woke a short while before the EP test was scheduled, he seemed to understand where he was and was responsive, even if it was just a few nods, blinking once for yes and twice for no, he was aware of Kelly and even tried to offer him a smile.

He could no longer move without help, and the waterproof briefs returned after he lost control of his bladder again. They thought the situation was unlikely to improve and were considering a urinary catheter. Kelly had to take himself away for a few quiet moments after watching two nurses position Matt comfortably on the bed after cleaning up the sheets.

He started drooling again too, his throat muscles were paralysed most the time now, and Kelly received a message from Boden, tentatively asking if there were any updates on Matts condition. How Kelly tell him all of this? How could he tell him that Matt was pissing himself? Unable to talk, or swallow? And when he tried to talk it was slurred gibberish? That his arms had started jerking uncontrollably? That he couldn't even sit up on his own? That they were looking for tumours and doing so many tests Kelly had lost count, and he was only getting worse? How could he tell anyone that?

That night, as Matt soiled the waterproof briefs, completely unaware he'd needed to go the bathroom, Kelly got into a bar fight. He arrived back at the hospital the next day, with stitches over his eye since the two police officers that intervened had dropped him off at the ER. Matt didn't notice the stitches, there wasn't even a single questioning glance at the neat line above Kelly's eye.

"How was he last night?" Kelly asked when a nurse came into the disconnect the NG tube.

"Unresponsive," she began honestly. "He slept a lot though and didn't have any more uncontrollable movements," she added positively.

"He's still wetting himself?" he asked as she lifted up the sheet and gown to see if Matt needed a fresh pair of briefs. He already knew the answer though and it was killing him to see how out of control Matt was. He'd become so dependent, and the Matt he knew was never dependent. This _was_ his Matt though, the Matt he loved with all his heart, but it was breaking his heart to see him like this, and he felt guilty, he wanted to be a better boyfriend, he wanted to be able to handle this, but instead he'd gone out and drank so much he couldn't even remember what the bar fight had been about.

"He seems to have lost bowel control now as well," she said. "It may be temporary."

"Everything's just getting worse then," Kelly responded stiffly.

"Doctor Murphy will be by soon," she told him.

"Thank you."

* * *

On Matt's third day in the hospital the doctor came to the door, beckoning Kelly over. He closed the door, leaving Matt alone in the room gazing ahead but not seeing at all.

"How's he doing?" Kelly asked the doctor. "I know you need to look at all the results and stuff… but do you know what this is yet?

"I have looked over all the test results now, they ruled some things out that I had some worries about…"

"I was looking at the symptoms for MS and Matt has a lot of them," Kelly said before she could finish.

"He does, but in most cases patients only have a few symptoms, as I'm sure you figured out; Matt's had most of them, which is why I wanted to exclude MS, as well Lupus and other autoimmune disorders that can present like this," she told him.

"It is autoimmune?" he asked slowly, having come across the word whilst looking at MS on the internet.

She nodded. "Autoimmune encephalitis, his body has been attacking his brain."

"Why?"

"There's no way to know the cause for sure since there's no tumour, but his body mistakenly thinks his brain has an infection and its been trying to fight it off," she explained.

"But there's no infection?"

"All the tests we've done over the last two days have ruled every other cause out, there's no infection, no tumour, no cancer, no other autoimmune diseases. The good news is now that we know exactly what it is, we can start treating it," she said.

"It can be treated? He'll get better?" he asked sceptically.

"At the moment I'm worried about the inflammation in his brain, there could be lasting brain damage," she told him honestly.

"It wasn't like that on the first scan, if it was it would have been picked up, he wouldn't have ended up in the psych facility?"

"No, but this can be difficult to diagnose, it can take months, some people have never been given the right diagnosis," she continued. "We're going to start him on some steroids, methylprednisolone and intravenous immunoglobin. If the swelling doesn't decrease or becomes worse we may need to medically induce a coma and continuing treating that way."

"If his brain wasn't swollen in the first scan why was he having seizures and acting… well, not himself…" He paused and frowned, trying to get his head around it all. "He wet the bed too… when all this started, he wet the bed… just the once, I didn't think anything of it, I thought he was depressed…"

"The more recent seizures were due to the inflammation, the ones he had at the initial phase were unprovoked, which is another reason this can be difficult to diagnose right away," she explained, wanting to answer all his questions. "As for the incontinence. His brain isn't getting all the usual signals it would so there's autonomic dysfunction. Things we usually do without thinking about, those signals for Matt aren't making it to his brain, all the symptoms fluctuate too, but as you know, have gradually become worse and longer lasting."

"He stopped asking to go to the bathroom because he didn't know he needed to go?" he surmised.

"Exactly, there are nerves all the way around his body, letting his brain know when he needs to drink, defecate, eat, even breathe, because his brain is being attacked, his system isn't working like mine or yours would," she told him.

"He'll get better though? He'll remember to go to the bathroom? Know that he's hungry? He can barely move and he's not spoken all day, how is he gonna get better, I just… I… I'm sorry…"

"It's really hard to see him like this, but I'm hopeful. Like I said, there can be brain damage from encephalitis, I can't promise he'll recover 100%, there may be impairments, but we won't know what they are until he starts recovering, and even then he may get better gradually over time," she said.

"How did everyone miss this?"

"You didn't miss it, Kelly," she told him. "And we know what it is now, we're going to start treating him."


	23. Coma

One week after starting treatment, Matt was put into a medically induced coma to reduce the risk of permanent brain damage. His symptoms had been worsening and he was almost entirely unresponsive, and he was having regular uncontrollable movements, his arms and body jerking almost violently, they'd had to put protective barriers on the bed rails, his arms were already covered in bruises. He'd had six seizures, each lasting longer than the previous one, Kelly had shed more tears than he thought possible. Matts road to recovery would be long, and now he was fearful that some sort of complication could kill him, never mind leave him with lasting brain damage. With no improvement made with first line immunotherapy, the doctor started Matt on two other medications, Rituximab and Cyclophosphamide, they were riskier, but the benefits outweighed the risks. He'd have these new medications alongside continuing steroid and IVIG infusions. Because of the rarity of the illness, there was no set treatment plan, so they would be continually monitoring Matt, regularly checking his blood and spinal fluid to see if the treatment was working.

Knowing Matts recovering was going to require months of supportive care and possibly years of continued medication after having another frank discussion with his doctor, he'd started taking notes, writing down anything and everything to do with Matt's care. Shay had given him the idea when he admitted he was worried he'd forget something.

Kelly walked the rows of pews and stopped when he met the man he'd been looking for.

Chaplain Orlovsky turned and smiled. "Kelly Severide, what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Hi, Chaplain," he greeted.

"How are you and Matt doing?"

Kelly just gave a shrug in response. "I probably should have called ahead, do you have time?"

"Always for you, want to sit?"

"I'd rather not make this official," Kelly responded.

"Official?"

"Don't wanna sit down like I'm talking about my feelings to a shrink or something…"

"Then feel free to follow me around as prepare for tonight's service," the Chaplain suggested.

"Thank you," he said gratefully.

"So, how are you?"

Kelly didn't reply right away, he followed the Chaplain as he walked the length of one pew before he spoke. "I don't know," he said honestly. "We know Matt's sick now, but that doesn't make things any better, I mean, he was always sick. I feel like I failed him, like the doctors failed him… yeah, I hate that they didn't figure it, that they know this horrible thing can happen but they didn't do a simple antibody test. But then I feel guilty because… well, it kinda made sense that… well, that he lost it…"

"He lost it?"

"They thought he was crazy… _I_ thought he was crazy, not right away but, I let them make me think he was… I hate that I didn't stand up for him…"

"Why didn't you stand up for him?"

"Well, I did, or at least I tried to but…"

"See, you stood up for him, from what Boden told me, its something that's hard to diagnose," the Chaplain responded sympathetically. He had Boden had been chatting more than usual recently, and mostly to do with Matt.

"Yeah… I mean, what would have happened if it was never diagnosed, he'd have been stuck like that, everyone, including me, thinking he was crazy… he _was_ crazy, he was delusional, he was standing on the roof, swinging an axe…"

"It must have been really scary," the Chaplain said.

"He was so scared…"

"It must have really scary _for you_ , Kelly," he corrected.

Kelly sat down. "I was worried about Matt, and scared… it was horrible to see him like that, but then I feel bad for thinking it was horribl, when it was happening to him, not me."

"It was happening to you, you were there," Orlovsky stated.

He let out a breath. "They've had to put him in a coma."

The Chaplain sat down next to him and put his hand on Kelly's arm comfortingly.

* * *

A few days later, Kelly was sitting with Matt. He would spend all day with Matt, every day, and in the evenings he'd work, doing as much as he could at the boat yard before he grew too tired. Sometimes he would sleep in the chair beside Matts bed, other times he'd read to him, or just watch TV on the tablet attached to the bed, always making sure to choose something Matt would approve of, just in case he could hear.

He was filling in a crossword puzzle, pen in his mouth as he thought, when the door opened.

"Hi, Kelly."

Kelly beamed when he saw Boden entering the room, a large box under one arm. "Chief, it's good to see you."

Boden smiled back. "I wanted to drop off some gifts and cards from everyone, quite a collection has gathered."

"Thank you, Matt'll love them," he said as Boden placed the box down. "They may be reducing the meds tomorrow, he's out of the danger zone apparently, which is good, erm…"

"Sit back down, we don't need to make this awkward," Boden spoke.

"It's not awkward," he responded with a smile.

"Truth is, I've been worried about seeing him," Boden said, looking at Matt lying on the bed, surrounded by a lot of equipment. He had never seen him look so small, and he wasn't a small man, he was strong and dependent. He knew Matt was sick, and it had been more two months since Matt had seized in the common room, the last time Boden had seen him was dropping him and Kelly off at their house, and Matt looked nothing like the man he'd watched Kelly help into the house that day. He'd lost weight, and even with the bed sheets, he could tell that his muscles had atrophied. He looked back at Kelly, clearing his throat, realising he'd been staring at Matt.

"All the tubes and wires make it look worse, you see past them eventually," Kelly told him.

"So, they're waking him up tomorrow?"

"He may not wake up, but they're not gonna be inducing a coma anymore, may take him a while to wake, but he will," Kelly said with certainty.

"And how are you doing?"

Kelly nodded. "I saw the Chaplain."

"Did that help?"

He shrugged. "It did, but it didn't… I mean, talking's great but I wish I could just do something to make him better, physically do something, because I've been sat around on my ass for weeks," he said, exasperated.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I did a bit of reading… what Matt has, it seems like it can be really difficult to diagnose. You did the best you could for him, and you still are. You make a difference to his life every day, Kelly. Before all of this happened too. You made him happy."

"I thought he was happy, then I found out how much he's been hurting… God… if… no, _when_ he gets better, we've got all that to deal with too…"

"The psychosis?"

Kelly nodded.

"Matt was happy. I do think most of the psychiatric side of this really was his brain… playing up, for want of a better word."

"But he hasn't dealt with anything, his past, I feel like I never knew anything about him… and I don't mind that he didn't tell me, I don't think I mind… I don't," he said adamantly. "I just… it's a fucking mess, isn't it? All of this. It's not fair."

Boden agreed. "It's not."

"Shit, what if he can hear me moaning…" Kelly said, looking at Matt. "I'm sorry, Matt. I think I need to get some more sleep, that's what you'd tell me… and make a joke or something. You're funny, not clown funny, but you have this dark humour… I love it and I miss it, you'll be awake soon though, and you're gonna be fine. I just know it."

Boden smiled softly as he watched the one-sided interaction.

* * *

During second watch's next shift at the firehouse, Boden entered the common room with a sombre look on his face. He looked around at everyone. Despite the upheaval of their truck lieutenant going on indefinite leave, and their squad lieutenant soon following, everyone had coped well with the change and had got on with their jobs. Boden had of course heard rumours travelling around the house, and beyond, but nothing sinister.

He cleared his throat and spoke. "Can everyone come to the briefing room, I know it's dinner, but I have something that needs to be said."

He waited as everyone filed out and then followed them.

It took a short while for everyone to grab a seat, and then Boden stood in front of them all. "You've all been left in the dark for a while, about Lieutenant Casey…"

"We wanted to respect his privacy," Herrmann spoke up, everyone nodded in agreement.

"I know, and I'm really grateful for that, and so is Kelly, who as you know ended up taking some time off as well, but you've been left in the dark and well, so were Matt and Kelly for a while too…"

"Chief?"

"Matt is very sick, which I'm sure you all gathered. He has something called autoimmune encephalitis, from my limited understanding, his own body thought his brain was under attack, so it fought back… erm… causing chaos in his brain because… because there wasn't anything there to fight against…" Boden paused and let out a breath. "He's currently in hospital receiving treatment, everyone's positive he'll recover."

"He'll be back at work in no time at all then," Herrmann responded.

"That's the hope," Boden said, nodding. "And Kelly says thank you for all the cards and gifts, he's displayed them in Matts room."

"Casey liked it all then?" Otis asked.

"He's still really sick at the moment, but I know he'll be very happy when he sees everything," he replied.

"And Severide? When will he be back?" Capp asked, speaking up.

"Could be weeks," Boden said. Or it could be months, he thought. "He just wants to be with Matt right now, which is understandable."

"Is there anything we can do?"

"Nothing at the moment, just good thoughts," Boden finished.


	24. Awake

They temporarily reduced the anaesthesia keeping Matt unconscious and the doctor assessed him, she gave Kelly a smile and told him that Matt had reacted well; they'd allow him to wake up now. She warned him again, that he may not wake up fully for some time, and that he won't have made a miraculous recovery, he would still display some of the same symptoms as before, and possibly other defects that hadn't been seen yet. She was hopeful that Matt would soon score better on the Modified Ranken Scale then in the days before they induced the coma, having been a 5 out of 6, 6 being dead.

Matt was gradually weaned off the medications keeping him unconscious, and eventually he was able to breath without assistance. Kelly smiled when he saw him. It was good to see Matts face without the intubation tube, and to see him breathing on his own again.

Over the following couple of days, Matts eyes flickered open every so often, and on the third day he was able to understand the doctor, to an extent at least. He managed to follow the doctor's finger as she asked him to track it as she moved her hand. Kelly smiled, there was some nystagmus, but both eyes moved equally, there was no paralysis, although he'd been warned symptoms may still come and go as he recovers.   
  
Although Matt had been able to follow the doctor's finger, whether he'd understood the request or had simply tracked the movement was unclear, and he didn't seem to grasp anything else that was asked of him. The doctor assured Kelly that she wasn't worried, that Matt was still in the process of waking, and once he was more aware, she'd perform some more neurological tests so they could to track his recovery.

Kelly slowly developed a better routine. He knew he needed to look after himself so he could help Matt, wanting to spend quality time with him, rather than being there at every single moment of the day because it hadn't been doing neither of them any good. He took on a couple of new clients, but hadn't considered going back to the firehouse yet, he knew he would have to eventually though, especially when Matt became aware he wasn't working. Kelly smiled at that though. Smiled at the thought of Matt giving him a look of disapproval, his brows a little knotted, a small smile on his face, telling Kelly he shouldn't have missed out on so much just because of him. And Kelly would tell him; you're worth it.

With Doris, Shay and Boden all visiting Matt, Kelly didn't feel too guilty about not being with him during every moment. His sleep improved, he kept on top of the housework, found distraction in his work at the boat yard and took care of himself. He was then able to be on top form every day he saw Matt.

* * *

Matts ICP catheter and arterial line were removed a week after waking from the induced coma, he was stable now and his condition wasn't critical. The brain swelling had reduced significantly since his admission. He'd also had no more seizures, which Kelly was pleased about, having done lots of researching and reading about Matts illness, knowing if he had a seizure during this recovery phase, it was likely he would have epilepsy, and although he tried not to think about, he had going back to work in mind for Matt. Although even going home at the moment seemed like an impossible task; Matt could not speak or swallow, he had very limited voluntary movement and his body was weak, his muscles had atrophied, and he had no control over his bowel movements.

The doctor kept reminding Kelly that although everything seemed bleak now, Matt would soon begin to recover now he was gaining awareness. There was a large team looking after him. Specialist nurses, physiotherapists, speech therapists, and an ophthalmologist was coming to see him soon. At first Kelly didn't think Matt would have been able to have his eyes tested, imaging they would want him looking at a standard chart of letters and answering questions, but he was told there were different tests that could determine what prescription he'd need. They'd be using the Cardiff Acuity Test, originally develop for young children. They still weren't sure if there was any damage had been done to his ability to process information, and Kelly was also hopeful things would improve simply because Matt was still sick and being treated, he was also hopeful he was still showing symptoms rather than lasting effects off his illness, but only time would tell.

The eye test had been arranged because Matt had been complaining of headaches. He'd been scrunching his eyes shut, groaning and trying to notion his head, and when asked if he was in pain, he would blink yes, their only communication system at the moment since Matt was unable to hold a pen or even point at a board. And knowing Matt had suffered from fluctuating vision changes, the doctor was concerned about damage, causing some of his headaches, or as she'd explained to Kelly, his vision may be fine, and the headaches may purely be caused by the chaos caused in his brain by the illness.

Kelly was sitting with Matt when Doris arrived, she'd been questioned on her arrival to the ward since the medications Matt was on severely lowered his immune system but she didn't mind, she didn't want Matt to catch something. She gave Kelly a smile as she entered the room. She was happy to finally be able to visit Matt now he was awake, having seen him whilst he was in the coma, it had been hard to see him in that position. And although Matt was awake now, having now been in regular contact with Kelly, she wasn't sure if he would respond to her now, but she hoped she could offer him some comfort and familiarity.

"Morning," he greeted Doris, standing up.

She smiled back at Kelly and glanced at Matt before she spoke, he seemed unaware that she'd arrived. "How is he?" she asked.

Kelly nodded. "Seems like a good day," he told her. There were a few times where Matt would wake up and simply cry, scared and panicked but unable to do anything else. "I'll go grab a coffee, he's better one on one."

* * *

Matt could hear a familiar voice, and felt a hand on his arm, his world was a blur and any thoughts that appeared vanished almost immediately. He wasn't confused, worried or scared. He wasn't anything. He was just there. Sometimes there were voices, sometimes he recognised words and questions but none of it mattered. It was almost like he was asleep and awake all at the same time. It was oddly comforting.

But then there were moments of pain. Blinding, throbbing pain.

He never remembered anything though. One moment there was pain, the next there was nothing. There were bright lights. Poking. Prodding. Questions. His limbs were moved. His position was adjusted. His gown was changed. He was washed and his sheets were changed.

He was aware, but he wasn't. Everything flittered. Day and night. Voices. Pain. Thoughts.

Until he was gazing blankly at a white ceiling.

He turned his head to a familiar and comforting voice and opened his mouth. Nothing came out. He tried again and again, and then he groan.

"Hey, baby," the voice spoke soothingly. "You're all right."

_Was he?_

"Have you got a headache?"

_Headache?"_

"Here… I'll sit you up a bit now you're awake," the voice told him. "Been a long day."

_Had it?"_

"Thought you'd sleep the rest of the afternoon, you did so well with the therapist though. Doris had been talking about making some nice cotton bibs, don't think you'll need them soon though, you're doing so well."

_Bibs?_

"Don't worry about it though. You are getting better. And it wouldn't matter if you didn't, not to me."

Matts thoughts wandered from the voice. Something felt like it was rising up inside him, he didn't know what it was, he felt warm and weak. It was his stomach. His stomach hurt. No, it wasn't pain, it was something else. He could hear someone moaning now as he tried to curl in on himself, his movements were instinctual, but clumsy and weak. He had no strength and now he could barely catch his breath.

Kelly watched as Matts skin paled. "Matty?" He didn't expect a response though.

Matt was moaning audibly now, hand moving to his middle, he was trying to move too, trying to curl in on himself. And then Kelly realised a second too late.

He gagged, throwing up his stomach contents, bile and vomit splattered down his chin and pooled on the bed. He was struggling to breathe, choking. Kelly moved him onto his side, making sure he couldn't choke on his own vomit, hitting the call button as he did.

The vomiting soon subsided but Matt was still groaning. He was uncomfortable and Kelly tried his best to help, rubbing his back and humming soothingly, there wasn't anything else he could do, not until he could speak to the doctor about it, determined to make sure Matt felt as good as possible in the circumstances.   
  
Kelly was Matts voice right now and he was going to do the best he could for him. He wasn't naturally clever, he had worked really hard just to graduate high school, and he'd read less than a handful of books since then, Matt was the smart one, Kelly was practical and good with his hands, he'd worked hard to get where he was, not that Matt hadn't worked hard either, he'd worked incredibly hard and having discovered more about his past, Kelly was even more proud of him.   
  
And for Matt, Kelly had been reading non-stop, he'd been looking at so much information about autoimmune encephalitis that he was thinking about it in his sleep. He knew Matts current medications, their side effects and current dosage half by heart, he knew when his vitals were looking good, he knew what a good amount of fluid output was and would keep an eye on the catheter bag, he'd already been looking at mental and physical exercises he could do with Matt to help him, he knew the name of every staff member on Matts care team. Kelly wanted to do the best he possibly could for him, Matt deserved nothing less than the very best. If Matt got no better, if he couldn't look after himself, if he couldn't swallow, or talk, or eat ever again; Kelly would take care of him.

* * *

When Shay stepped into the Matts hospital room with a smile on her face, it fell straight away when she saw Kelly's expression.

"What's up?"

Kelly looked up at her tiredly, he hadn't realised she'd arrived. "Oh, hey…"

"Are you all right?"

"He threw up earlier, he's got stomach flu on top of everything else."

"He'll be all right, he looks comfortable now," Shay responded.

He nodded but the sad expression remained on his face.

Shay stepped closer to him. "Come here…" she said, wrapped her arms around him, drawing him into a hug. "It's ok, Kelly."

Kelly moved back from her hold a short while later. "Sorry, dunno why it's got to me, I've been doing all right with everything really…"

"Yeah, but you don't have to be all right, you can have a cry about him getting sick."

"It's just like he's getting worse, not better…" He let out a sob. "He can't talk, what if he's trying to? What if he's shouting and screaming and nothings coming out?"

Shay looked at Matt sadly. "I wish I knew; I wish I could make things better too, but you're doing the best you can, everyone is. This is temporary, he's still sick, he's gonna start recovering. You said he's making sounds, he's able to swallow sometimes," she said positively.

"Yeah," he responded, nodding. "And when he's awake for longer, he'll be able to do more, just having a short session with the speech therapist or physio exhausts him, he fell asleep half way through physio yesterday… he's getting his glasses this week though."

"That'll help him," she said.

"Yeah it will, the lenses are really strong apparently, but again, it's something that might improve, but we can't just wait for it to improve, not if it's causing some of his headaches too," Kelly continued.

"Are you gonna head home, get some work done?" she asked him.

"I should."

"Go on, get outa here, I'll be with him 'til visiting hours are over," she responded before looking at Matt and nodding to the book on the side.. "We've almost finished this book."

"Well, you two enjoy that," Kelly said, standing up. He gave Matt a light kiss, telling him he'd be back tomorrow, and then left the room.

* * *

Matt's glasses were delivered to the house. Kelly had already been with him at the hospital in the morning, but decided to head back over. Matt was awake when he arrived, propped up on the bed, there was a nurse with him, and he was using the massaging hand balls, they separated his fingers and supported his wrists. The heat and massage effect promoted increased blood flow in his hands. The physical therapist had provided them, and he hoped to increased the level of strength over time, and eventually move onto standard hand exercise balls as Matt improved. Matt seemed to like this though, they heated his hands and helped him to relax his fingers, the dystonia was often worse with his hands, the involuntary muscle contractions were not only a hinderance but were also tiring.

"Hey, baby, I know I said I'd be back tomorrow, but got you a little present," Kelly said as he sat down.

Matt looked at him, he didn't say anything, but Kelly was just pleased he was focused.

He opened up the small case and took out the glasses, they were simple black plastic frames, Kelly had chosen them, Matt could always choose some in the future if he didn't like these ones. He slipped the frames onto Matts face gently. "There we go, they look good on you," he told him.

Matt didn't respond, not that Kelly was expecting him to, he simply gazed at Kelly and then a large grin appeared on his face.

His smile was infectious and Kelly let out a cheerful noise, smiling back at him. "Can see me now?"

Matt smiled again and reached out with his hand, his coordination failed him, but Kelly had understood. He took Matts hand and took it to his own face, letting Matt feel his skin. Matt opened his mouth and spoke silently. "Kel…" he mouthed, still smiling.

"Hi," Kelly said, unable to stop grinning.

"Kel…" he mouthed again. Then he coughed, struggling to swallow.

"S'all right," Kelly reassured him. "Your throat muscles are a bit funky at the moment, but that's ok, you're already getting better."

Matt just shook his head, not understanding.

"You've been really sick; you're getting better though, and I love you."


	25. Talking

Almost one month had passed since Matt had woken from the medically induced coma. He was still on the neurological ward, but making lots of improvement. He was finishing a course of antibiotics but all his stomach flu symptoms had gone. He could swallow and he was talking, although a lot of the time his words weren't understandable, he was producing unintelligible sounds, mixing words and speaking gibberish. The speech therapist had brought him a fixed display device. There were large pictures and words that Matt could point to when communicating, Kelly and his team had to constantly remind him to use it, and it was a struggle. Matt would gaze at it for a while before using his palm to clumsily touch one of the large squares, or he'd ignore it all together, prompting concerns for his cognitive ability and executive function skills.

Physically Matt was gaining strength slowly, though he could still not sit up without support, and he could not walk. He could stand with some help though and he started reposition himself on the bed, mainly moving onto his side, curling into himself, a position Matt had always favoured. The involuntary movements were still there, they were muscle contractions that seemed to come out of nowhere, generalised secondary dystonia, the doctor had explained to Kelly. His upper body and mainly arms were the worse effected, and on occasion they'd needed to give him medication to stop them, they were decreasing though, which Kelly took as a good sign that the medication he was on was working and he was getting better. There was focal hand dystonia too, causing his hands to cramp or tremble, so much so that when Kelly cut his finger nails, he had to carefully uncurl several of his fingers to access the nail. The physical therapist had given him some exercises, and a few devices to help improve his movements.

Kelly had made the decision to trim Matt's hair since it had become difficult to manage. Despite the nurse's best efforts, his hair had become matted, Matt wasn't always the most cooperative patient when he was awake, he could often be quite agitated when he was confused, and disliked being touched. There was a short patch growing where the ICP catheter had been drilled into his skull, and it had thinned out because of the medications he'd been taking. So Kelly brought his trimmers from home and buzzed off Matts hair, he had to do it in two sessions because Matt started to become distressed, but he got it done, and Kelly actually liked how it looked. Although he knew Matt looked good to him all the time, but he had been worried about doing it without his consent, although he knew Matt would understand once he was feeling better, and if Matt didn't like it, it wouldn't take long for it to grow out. Kelly was impressed that he'd managed it though, he'd almost asked Shay to do it, but with Matts erratic behaviour, he knew it was best for him to try, and he'd done a decent job.

"Ok, Matt, next card," Kelly said, lifting up the next A3 sized card with a letter, word and picture displayed brightly. "Ok, C is for…"

Matt gazed at the image for a short while.

Kelly repeated himself, unfazed.

"Meow…" Matt muttered.

"C is for Cat. Can you repeat that, baby? Can you say cat?" he asked. "C is for Cat."

Matt looked at Kelly blankly.

"That's ok. Let's have a look at D," he said, picking up the next card. He held it in front of Matt. "D is for…" he began, urging Matt to finish the sentence. The word and image were displayed on the card.

"S… s…" Matt tried. A frustrated expression appeared as he struggled. "Ss… soft…"

Kelly smiled. "They are soft. D is for dog. D-og."

"Brown, it's… it's brown," Matt said quietly.

Kelly quickly looked at the image on the card. "It is. Erm… the dog is brown." He grinned. "Ok. E is for…"

Matt turned his head.

"Had enough? That's ok, we'll get through them all one, maybe we should start at E tomorrow, hey?"

Matt opened his mouth but nothing came out.

"Use the board if you're struggling," Kelly reminded him, but Matt just let out a short huff.

Matt glanced at the board.

"Wanna do something physical… ok that sounds a little dirty…" Kelly added. He looked at Matt, almost waiting for him to reply with a dirty joke, or at least chuckle and roll his eyes, but there was no recognition. "Erm, right, let's get that tub of putty out, make some shapes, yeah?"

Matts eyes followed Kelly as he stood up, clearing away the cards and getting the box of therapy putty from the shelf. There were four little tubs, each a different colour and strength. Matt was using the extra soft, and soft pots at the moment. Matt smiled when Kelly placed the two tubs on the table in front of him, it wasn't Matts usually blinding smile, it was small, and almost seemed like it wasn't natural, taking more effort than it should, but it was good, he was communicating.

When Doris arrived, she watched Kelly and Matt from the door, Matt was using the therapy putty and Kelly was doing his best to assist, without actually doing anything other than being encouraging.

"Is that a dog?" Kelly asked Matt, turning and giving Doris a smile.

"S… s…" Matt began, shaking his head. "Soft."

He smiled. "Is it a cat?" he asked again, studying the flat shape Matt had constructed.

Matt just shook his head once more.

Doris smiled. "It's an alpaca, isn't it, Matt?"

He looked up, not realising that Doris had arrived, but he didn't give it much thought.

"Are you making animals?" Doris spoke as she sat down next to Kelly. It was better that way for Matt, sitting on opposite sides of the bed didn't help his concentratation.

Matt looked at her but didn't respond.

"That's probably enough for today," Kelly announced, figuring Matt was tired now, but when he started to clear up Matt slammed his palmed down. "Ok, you can keep going then," he said, expression blanching.

Determined to keep going with the task at hand, Matt focused on the putty, slowly gathering it back together.

"Are you worried about tomorrow?" Doris questioned Kelly quietly as Matt ignored them.

"I'm fine, thank you," he responded.

"I'd be surprised if you weren't worried," she continued.

"I'm actually looking forward to it," he admitted. He was going back to work tomorrow.

"So you feel bad about that?" Doris presumed, she knew the man well enough by now.

"Yup…" he said, letting out a small sigh as he watched Matt's hand movements.

"I'll be here, he'll be fine," she told him.

"Because he won't notice… that's what I said to myself, he won't notice if I'm not here, so it won't matter that I'm not," Kelly scoffed.

"He knows when you are here, that's what matters."

"I just make him do all this stuff…"

"This stuff is important, that's why you keep you encouraging him, you're helping him to recover," Doris said, but even as she spoke the thought entered her mind; what if this was it? What if he didn't recover much more than this? Even she had to admit, it was hard to see Matt like this. The avid reader unable recall the alphabet. The independent man now dependent on others for every basic need. The fierce leader unable to utter a coherent sentence.

Kelly smiled and his focused returned to Matt, who was squishing the putty in his fingers, it was a good exercise by itself, but Kelly had read that stimulating him could help. "Hey, Matt, will you make a rectangle shape for me?"

Matt was looking at him, focused on him.

"A rectangle," Kelly repeated himself.

Matt looked at the putty in his hands and after a while he got to work on Kelly's request.

"Thanks, Matt, that's really good," Kelly told him. "Couldn't do this last week, you're doing well, baby."

Matt spoke, but the words were garbled and strained. He frowned when Kelly didn't respond, quickly becoming frustrated that he wasn't answering him.

"Matty, Matt, it's all right, I'm sorry I didn't understand. Can you remember, the doctor said sometimes when your brain can't find the right word, it substitutes it for others. How about you use the board?" Kelly said, offering it to him.

Matt looked down at it, scanning the pictures and jumbled letters.

"Ok, it's not there?" Kelly presumed. "Do you want to try holding the pen again? Try writing it?" he asked, worried, because he could see how agitated Matt was at being unable to communicate.

Matts expression changed; he was looking at Kelly blankly.

"Want to get some rest? I'll dim the lights, get you another blanket?"

He nodded wearily as Doris started to adjust the bed so he was lying flat. Kelly draped another blanket over Matt, slipped his glasses off and dimmed the lights. He'd fallen asleep before the two of them left the room.

* * *

Kelly was pleased to see Matt after his first shift back. He washed and sanitised his hands and stepped into the hospital room, Matts risk of infection had lowered now, but they weren't taking any chances. The nurse was with Matt, setting him up for his third four hour infusion of Rituximab. One more dose was planned in a weeks' time, along with a second dose of cyclophosphamide.

Matt didn't acknowledge Kelly until he spoke. "Hi, Matt, how are you?" he asked him, at times he had to remind himself to speak slowly and clearly, trying not to use any slang words, so that Matt would have a better chance a comprehending him.

He looked at Kelly and gave him a smile.

Kelly smiled back, leaning in to push Matts glasses back up his nose.

Matt moved his head back into the pillow that was supporting it, Kelly just continued to smile as he spoke. "It's ok, they've just slipped a little," he said as he repositioned them. "There, good as new."

"Slept through the night," the nurse informed Kelly as she finished setting up the infusion.

"Slept through the night?" Kelly repeated, beaming. Although Matt slept most of the time, his short bursts of awake time were scattered throughout the day and night.

Matt simply smiled because Kelly was, he didn't know why though.

"Meds all are sorted," the nurse told Kelly. "I'll be back in later."

"Thank you," Kelly responded. As she left he turned his full attention back to Matt. He didn't say anything, he just took his hand.

There was already talk of Matt being discharged once he'd had his second dose of cyclophosphamide. He would still need regular treatment for another five months, but it could be done on an outpatient basis, once they were satisfied he no longer needed second line immunotherapy they'd start him on a steroid saving medication which he'd be on for at least one year, along with steroids for three months until it was in his system and working, and afterwards he'd still need check-ups for another three years because of the chance of relapse.

Doctor Murphy had given Kelly some information on several brain injury rehabilitation places that would continue to help Matts recovery. Kelly had dismissed the idea right away, but whilst he'd been lying awake in his quarters last night, he starting thinking about them, because he knew it wasn't practical for him to take care of Matts current needs every hour of every day. Matt needed round the clock care, there was no a single thing he could do to look after himself right now, and it had hit Kelly hard when he realised it, because despite some improvements, Matt was still entirely dependent on those around him.

"Kel…"

Kelly grinned. "Hey, baby."

He was gazing at Kelly, expression perplexed.

"Are you ok?" Kelly asked him.

Matt frowned.

"Use your board," he reminded Matt, moving it closer to his hand.

Matt looked down at it. The letters were nonsense, he could make any sense of them, and there was only one suitable image. He tapped it with his finger.

"You have a question? It's not on the board," Kelly responded. "Do you need something?"

Matt shook his head and his shoulders dropped. He spoke. "D… dohi plifal… b.. be… besloor…"

"I'm sorry, Matt, I don't understand. It's not your fault though. Your brain is making words up sometimes," Kelly explained.

He shook his head again.

"The doctor said, sometimes you know what you're saying, but the words that come out aren't the same as in your head… I'm sorry. We can try again later, I'm sorry."

* * *

Later that day, Kelly made a call to Matts speech therapist, wanting to know if there was a more advanced device for Matt. He hated to see him getting frustrated, and four days later, the therapist brought a long a dynamic display device to Matts session. Kelly sat in whilst the man explained the device to Matt, it was basically an advanced version of the board they'd previously using. It was a touch screen device, about the same size as an iPad, the display could be altered and there were several pages of options, including custom words and sentences. The therapist had set it up with large bold font, each square also contained a picture as it was obvious Matt was still struggling to read. The devices were expensive to buy, and the programmes cost extra, so they were renting it. Kelly had also been looking into renting an electric wheelchair ready for when Matt was discharged, he wanted to try and give him some independence. The physical therapist had Matt using a wheelchair the other day, but he couldn't push it himself, and needed a lot of support sitting, he was getting stronger and could support himself a very short time, but he grew tired incredibly quickly and really struggled to even hold his own head up.

Kelly watched, trying not to interfere, as the therapist explained the dynamic display device to Matt, he wasn't being very responsive, but he had already had a physical therapy session earlier on. He moved onto some voice exercises, helping Matt to use his throat muscles, he started with some tongue exercises. They had a printout of several swallowing exercises which Kelly would help Matt practice with between sessions, and he was hopeful Matt would be able to eat soon although he'd expressed no desire to do so. The NG tube had been changed twice now, and although Kelly knew how helpful it was, it was just a glaringly obvious sign as to how dependent Matt was at the moment. 

Matt became interested in the new device a few hours later. He'd had some sleep and woken to find Doris with him. Kelly had explained the device to her when she'd arrived, she then explained it to Matt again, who began to use it, answering a few simple questions for her.

As they spoke to each other Matts arms started move involuntarily, then his whole upper body. His muscles were contracting uncontrollably and he gasped. Although it wasn't the first time Doris had witnessed his dystonia. His attacks sometimes lasted quite a while, long enough to warrant giving him some muscles relaxants, that wasn't the case now though. It soon subsided and Doris wiped away the tears from his face. He looked so lost and confused, lost like the boy she had met in the library all those years ago.

"It's all right, Matt, it's all right, it's over… close your eyes, I'll read to you."

**TBC**


	26. Wet

They completed Matt's Rituximab treatment, and were pleased with his latest blood and cerebrospinal fluid test results. There were still antibodies, but the amount had been reduced dramatically. He was back on steroids, and continuing with the cyclophosphamide, and starting to take steroid saving immunosuppressants so that in a few months' time he would no longer need second line therapy, and they'd be able to wean him off the steroids. As always, Kelly kept everything noted and written down.

Kelly was putting away the Jenga pieces when Matt spoke to him. He was looking ahead and there was a small crease between his brows. "Bath?"

"Yeah, later today…. Wait… did you just read that off the board?" Kelly asked, glancing back at the large whiteboard.

Matt looked at him as if to say, of course he'd just read it off the board.

"Matt, baby, that's brilliant," Kelly said, beaming.

"Wha…"

"Can you read this for me?" Kelly asked, pulling out one of the alphabet cards.

He was frowning but did as Kelly asked. He looked down at the word on the card and spoke. "Sp… spa…"

"It's ok, take your time," Kelly said, calmer now.

"Spa… hip..." he tried again. "Spaceship."

Kelly fished another card out and covered the picture so Matt could only see the word. "And this one?"

"El… el… po…" he paused and sighed, it didn't sound right.

"It's ok, Matt. Lol…"

"Lol… lol… l… lollipop… lollipop… lollipop," he repeated, smiling.

"Perfect."

"R… Wrong?"

"No, you did really good," Kelly told him, full of genuine enthusiasm.

He shook his head.

"Use the communicator, it's fine to use it if you're struggling," Kelly said, reminding him.

Matt studied it and hit the 'questions' section with his palm, he found his fingers too inaccurate. Shortly the device spoke for him. _"What's wrong?"_ Matt was indicating himself.

"You got sick and your brain was damaged

Matt continued to use the device. _"Hurt."_

"You weren't hurt. It wasn't an injury that caused the damage. You were sick and it made your brain swell,"

Matt remained still, taking in Kelly's words. "Sick?"

Kelly nodded in conformation.

He pointed to his head, twisting his arm and wrist unnaturally.

"Your head got sick," Kelly responded.

"Fix."

"You'll get better, you've already recovered loads."

Matt groaned.

"It's ok, everything's ok," Kelly said, quick to pick up on Matt's panic. "We're in the hospital, you're being treated, but you should be able to go home soon."

He moved his arm again and moaned.

"When your brain got sick, it effected your body, how you move and talk," he explained.

Matt was crying now.

"It's really scary, but everyone here is helping you get better," he said. He was getting emotional so he cleared his throat. "You want a bath then? I can see if they can come in now if you want?"

"Bath," Matt responded simply.

"Yeah, you want a wash?"

"Ok," he answered quietly.

* * *

Matt's reading progressed quickly, but he tired easily, and was quickly frustrated when he didn't understand something, but things were moving forward. Matt was taken down to the physical therapy suite, to try a selection of wheelchairs they could rent. Kelly didn't want to buy one, even with the help of Matts insurance, since Matt was still recovering, and everyone was positive he would be mobile eventually, it was difficult though since Matt still didn't have the ability to sit up without support for much time at all, but he was managing to control his hand and arm movements more, his coordination and motor skills were improving.

Doris had come by the day they'd decided on the best wheelchair for Matt, which happened to have a few red panels on the seat. It was a foldable lightweight reclining powered chair; which Matt would also be able to use manually when he could physically do so. Matt hadn't seemed at all fazed that he'd been trying out wheelchairs, in the past he'd been disgruntled at protocol stated he had to use one to be taken out to Kelly's car after getting a concussion.

"Sorry, it's worn him out," Kelly told her.

"I don't mind that he's asleep," she responded. "I wanted to speak to you anyway."

"Is everything all right?" he asked, looking at her pensive expression.

"You said you just wanted Matt to come home, not a rehab centre," she replied.

"Yeah, I think rehab will be for the best though, I mean, I just can't… can't take care of him like he needs right now," he said, hating to admit it.

"Would it help if I was around? When you're working, I could look after him," she suggested.

"My shifts are twenty-four hours long, sometimes longer…"

"I know," she responded, nodding.

"You really want to?"

She didn't reply right away. "Matt never knew, but when he went into the system, my husband and I tried to foster him," she explained.

"How come you didn't?" he asked.

She looked down at Matts sleeping form. "My husband, he got sick. Lung cancer. He died ten months later."

"I'm sorry."

"I hadn't stepped foot into hospital since then," she admitted.

A thought occurred to Kelly, the look on Doris' face when she'd first seen Matt with his hair trimmed off; it had brought back memories of her husband.

"Matt never knew about the application?"

"He knew about my sweet David, but he never knew about the foster application, and by the time I was in a position to apply again, he was almost eighteen," she told Kelly.

"It won't be tough, helping Matt? After your husband?"

"I want to help. It was hard at the end with David, he came home and I took over his care, and Matt would come over and read to him. I don't regret looking after him, and he was comfortable in the end."

There was a tear in Kelly's eye. "Matt could get sick again, he could relapse apparently. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him," he said, swallowing hard as emotions started to show.

"Matt was a great help to me afterwards, a shining star in the darkness, even with everything he was struggling with."

"He ended up in hospital too," Kelly said, gazing at Matt.

"That was before, it wasn't long after his mom killed his dad," Doris explained.

"Did you know?"

"About his living situation? Yes, yes I knew."

"Did he tell you?"

"No, and he still hasn't," she answered softly.

Kelly didn't respond, there was no need. He just took Matt's hand, lifting it to his lips so he could place a gentle kiss on his skin.

* * *

Matt became distracted easily, and found it difficult to concentrate so Kelly had bought him a noise cancelling headset, hoping they would help his concentration, and help him to relax when he became too agitated. Although he was in a private room, the general noises of the ward never ceased.

He was wearing them now, with his iPhone headphones underneath, listening to a soothing classical playlist Kelly had put together. He'd been attempting some writing but was now happily relaxing. Once the feed pump finished, Kelly was going to take him outside for the first time since they'd been in the small garden area at the psychiatric facility, although Matt looked as though he could drift off to sleep at any moment.

The urinary catheter had been removed and the waterproof briefs were back just as precaution. They could reinsert the catheter if needed, and Kelly could be taught how to manage it, but the doctor was hopeful that now Matt was recovering he wouldn't need it because their use would increase his infection risk, and she was hopeful he wouldn't need the briefs either. So far Matt hadn't asked to use the bathroom though, but his recovery was still in early days.

Boden had brought some clothes by, a few hoodies and joggers, all in a smaller size, rather than the extra-large he usually wore, and so had Shay and Doris, so Kelly had ended up taking some home since Matt was still wearing the gowns provided the hospital.

Kelly gave Matt a smile as he gently lifted the headset off and removed his headphones. Matt was wearing one of the hoodies right now, and Kelly was going to help him into a pair of joggers for their trip outside. He couldn't stand for long and would often become dizzy when getting up from the bed, his blood pressure dropping too quickly, but it was good for him to transfer himself from the bed to the chair, that's what everyone told Kelly, but it didn't feel good when Matt paled and began to fall back down to the bed.

"Ready to go outside?" Kelly asked Matt once he was sitting in his chair, head leaning on the headrest, and body reclined a fraction.

Matt looked at Kelly, to an onlooker it wouldn't look like a response, but Kelly could see it was a positive one.

"All right, now, it is warm out, so if you're too hot then tell me," Kelly said. "You got this? Or do you want me to push? Either way is fine."

Matts hand moved to the joystick control, and although his motor skills had improved, the dystonia was currently flexing his some of his fingers and his wrist in an unnatural position.

The trip outside together did them both some good. Kelly couldn't help but smile as he watched Matt close his eyes and relax in the summer air, the sun was shining brightly down on his pale skin.

"The sun always looks good on you," Kelly commented when Matt eventually open his eyes again.

Matt was squinting at the brightness and Kelly wished he'd brought a hat.

"We should probably get back inside though, we can come back out later or tomorrow though," he told Matt.

Matt didn't say anything.

"Are you ok, baby?"

Kelly watched as Matt responded. He slowly moved his thumb, and Kelly understood.

"Let's get back inside then," he responded, smiling.

* * *

Boden was sitting with Matt a few days later. He had missed his regular conversations with Matt, they used to have a meal out together at the same restaurant once a month, and would catch up at the firehouse and Boden's own house. Like Kelly, he felt guilty for not spotting the changes in Matt until it was far too late. He'd already made it his mission to raise awareness of Autoimmune Encephalitis at the firehouse, sticking a few posters up on the board and scattering some informational leaflets around the common room, almost in preparation for Matts return, none of them had heard of the illness before, and all of second watch had seen Matts unusual behaviour, he wanted everyone to be aware that it was the sickness that had caused it, he wanted Matt to be treated normally when he did return. Boden was adamant that he would eventually return, no matter how long that took, even though as he watched him now, he could barely picture having a coherent conversation, let alone being back at the firehouse. And those thoughts saddened him, he wanted to be positive.

Matt caught his attention, muttering something, but he didn't catch what he said. "Sorry, what was that, Matt?"

He mumbled something again, gazing up at the ceiling.

Boden went to move the communication device closer to Matt. "Kelly told me you need to use this fancy little device if you're struggling…"

"Wet," he muttered.

"Wet?" Boden repeated, frowning. "Here, have a look at this, I'm sorry I don't understand."

"I'm wet," Matt said quiet again, still gazing up at the ceiling.

"Oh…" he mouthed, heat rising in his cheeks. "Oh, that's ok, I'll call for the nurse."

Matt was completely oblivious to Boden's discomfort. He muttered something else as the nurse got to work efficiently and Boden just gave him a smile, already much more at ease, realising there was no need to be embarrassed; Matt was sick. He'd stayed in the room when the nurse had arrived, not wanting Matt to worry if he left, he didn't want him to think he'd done anything wrong.

"All sorted," the nurse mouthed to Boden.

He nodded and looked back to Matt as she left. "Better, Matt?"

"Mmm…"

There was small stack of early years books on one of the shelves. "Kelly told me you've been getting good at reading, wanna have a look at one these books?" Boden asked him encouragingly. "I don't know how you're feeling but, this is hard, not being able to do things you can usually do. Some of this stuff that Kelly and the therapists are making you do, they might seem pretty simple, but they're stimulating your brain from my understanding of it all, and that's helping you get all those skills back. Or maybe I'm putting thoughts in your head that aren't actually there.

"S… s…" he frowned and turned to the communication device. _"Sorry."_

"You've got nothing to say sorry for."

_"I don't understand."_

"Then I should apologise for not being clear," Boden told him.

Matt's eyes followed him as he stood up and went over to the unit by the window.

Boden turned around, holding up a book. "Hungry Caterpillar?"

Matt nodded.


	27. Home

Kelly stepped into Matt's bright hospital room with a smile on his face. He was tired and sore from the last twenty-four hours at the firehouse, but he wasn't going to let that get to him, he wanted to be in a good mood for Matt's sake. He was met by a pleasant surprise; not only was Matt awake, but he looked directly to Kelly when he entered.

"Kelly," Matt spoke, each syllable pronounced. There was a nurse standing by his side.

"Hey… hi, good morning," he returned Matts greeting enthusiastically. He curbed the enthusiasm when a bewildered expression crossed Matts face. He smiled and sat down by the bed. "Morning."

"Hi," Matt responded quietly, gazing at Kelly still.

"Hi," Kelly repeated. "How are you doing?"

"Doing," he repeated. "Nothing?" he said, unsure of himself suddenly.

"How are you feeling?" Kelly asked.

"Mmm… sleep… tired, head pain," Matt listed, no longer focused on Kelly.

"You have a headache?"

The nurse spoke up. "He's just had some painkillers."

Kelly mouthed his thanks to her. "Do you want to hear what I did last night?"

Matt remained silent, not sure how he should respond.

"I started getting the house ready for you when you come home," Kelly began.

"Home," he repeated.

"Very likely you'll be home within a couple of weeks," Kelly told him. "I found a box of yours," he went on.

Matt was unfazed.

"I was curious so I hope you don't mind that I had look inside," Kelly continued. "I always wondered if you kept stuff from your childhood, given that you moved around the city quite a bit. I liked all the alpaca things, and I hope you don't mind but I put some of the pictures and ornaments around the house, too nice to be kept in a box in your closet."

Matt smiled, looking ahead, unseeing. "Alpac…"

"Never knew they were your favourite animal," he responded.

"Alpacas," Matt said.

"I love dogs. Alpacas, they're your favourite?"

He nodded.

"Doris told me she took you to a farm to meet some once," Kelly said.

He nodded.

"Maybe you could take me one day, I've never seen one," Kelly told him.

He shook his head and looked at Kelly. "Gone."

"It closed down?" Kelly asked. He already knew the answer, Doris had told him, but Matt was engaged in the conversation.

He nodded.

"Are you happy to come home?" Kelly asked him.

"Coming home," he responded, gazing at the blanket over his lower half now.

Kelly was used to Matt's unfocused gaze and continued. "Yeah, with me?"

Matt looked at him for a moment. "Love you."

Kelly couldn't stop himself from grinning. "I love you too. Are you happy coming home?"

"Mmm… mmm… happy," he responded quietly.

"When you're home, maybe I can take you to another farm? The one the alpacas were moved to?"

"Ok," he said.

Kelly smiled. "I looked at the website. There's all sorts of animals there, rabbits, goats, even some horses I think."

Matt shook his head.

"Horses? You don't like them?"

He shook his head again.

"What don't you like about them?"

Matt went to speak no words came out, but without any prompting from Kelly he used the communication device. _"Horses."_

"Why don't you like them?" Kelly asked.

_"Big."_

"Have you ever met one?"

 _"No."  
_  
"I think you'll change your mind when you meet some," Kelly told him, remembering how he had looked at them when he was first sent away to camp during the summer, they were big and powerful, but then he actually met them. He'd been sent to all sorts of camps as a child, he later realised it was he wouldn't see what was going on at home.

"Sleep… tired… I'm tired," Matt said.

"Get cosy then, I'll turn the lights down," he responded.

Matt had fallen asleep before Kelly even reached the dimmer switch.

* * *

A week after receiving another cyclophosphamide dose, they gave Matt another spinal tap. Doris was with him during the procedure since Kelly was working. It went well, Matt hardly noticed something was going on, distracted by Doris and his music, and unable to feel much because of the medication they'd given him.

It was a couple of days before Doctor Murphey sat down with him and Kelly to go over the results. Matt was propped up in the bed, and she sat next to Kelly and spoke to them both briefly before giving them the good news.

"So, Matt, your results look really good, I'm happy to continue treating you on an outpatient basis to prevent you from getting sick again," Doctor Murphey explained.

"Going home?"

She nodded. "Going home," she repeated, smiling. "You're still recovering but your stable enough to go home."

"Being home will help with the rest of recovery, baby," Kelly added, smiling as well.

"Do you have any questions, Matt?" she asked him.

Matt looked thoughtful for a few moments.

"You'll continue speech and physical therapy, I'm still sure you'll recover really well," Murphey told him.

"Walk," Matt stated, being conservative with his words.

"You'll walk, you're already doing much better," she responded positively.

Matt gazed at her and then spoke again. "Thank… thank you."

She smiled. "I'm really glad we could help you."

"Don't…" Matt was stopped from continuing as his arm jerked. "Don't…" he tried again.

His muscles started contracting uncontrollably, so much so his upper body was sent lurching forwards, arms twisting into unnatural positions. He gasped at each movement, like his breath was being forced from his lungs.

"You're all right, baby, it'll pass," Kelly told him calmly, trying to remain calm for Matt even though he'd still not got used to Matts worse attacks. For the most part, the dystonia was seen in the way he moved his arms and hands, how they twisted and bent involuntarily as Matt would move, making holding a cup of water or even a sports bottle impossible at times.

Just as Kelly said it passed.

"S… s… sorry," Matt mumbled to the two of them.

But Kelly smiled. That was his Matt, his Matt apologising for something that wasn't at all his fault. He was slowly but surely coming back to him.

* * *

Kelly pushed Matt up the ramp that everyone from the firehouse had made, and into their house for the first time in more than three months.

"Welcome home, baby," he announced.

Matt made no acknowledgement of their arrival. Kelly remained enthusiastic enough for the both of them though. He took Matt into the lounge, carefully fitting through the door frame, it was an old house, at the Matt had replaced all the doors, he'd had sand the new ones down just so they'd fit into the existing frames which he'd repainted.

"Home sweet home," Kelly spoke again. "So, we moved the bed down here… which you can see so… erm… I just thought it was be easier for the time being. I put up black blinds just 'cause the curtains don't do much to keep the light out in the morning… I'll be quiet. You must be exhausted, how about you get some rest and give you some peace and quiet?"

Matt remained silent, looking ahead into the room.

"Ok, I'm gonna get you into the bed, or do you just want me to support you?" Kelly asked him. Matt had been getting better at transferring himself in and out of the chair, but sometimes he was just too tired and his body wasn't cooperative.

Without saying anything, Matt slowly got to his feet, shaking with the effort, and unceremoniously got onto the bed. He curled onto his side and closed his eyes. Kelly gazed at him for a moment and then walked over to the curtains, closing them to shut out the light and provide some privacy from the street. He turned back and watched Matt on the bed, he knew bringing him home didn't mean he was instantly going to get back to his usual self, but Kelly was still hit with a wave of melancholy, he felt lonely. He pulled a blanket over Matt then went back out to his car, Matt had accumulated a lot of things during his hospital stay.

* * *

Matt had been home for a week. They started their routine right away, Doris would come over whilst Kelly was at the firehouse, they had a spare room for her to sleep in, and Matt continued going to the hospital for his speech and physical therapy sessions, which had been to once a week, on different days as that was better for Matt. Kelly and Doris were helping Matt a lot at home, stimulating his brain with lots of exercises, and Kelly would help Matt physically exercise, and they'd go outside together. Matt was able to control the wheelchair from a simple joystick control, he enjoyed being outside, and even enjoyed just looking at the window, it was a much better view than either of the hospital rooms he'd stayed in.

Boden had been by a couple of times, and so had Shay. Matt enjoyed their visits, and was already doing so much better at communicating. He suffered when he was tired, or distracted, and he did easily lose his conversation, but the improvement he'd made in such a short space of time was amazing. Kelly even told him they'd be able to give the communication device back soon as Matt's moment where he was incapable of speech had lessened dramatically. Everyone from the firehouse had recorded a video message for Matt too, welcoming him home, and after watching it Matt had even told Kelly he'd like to see him.

Matt didn't object to being carried upstairs when Kelly suggested a bath one evening, rather than the usual shower in the downstairs bathroom, using the shower seat Doris had bought.

Kelly lifted Matts light form into the tub.

"Mmm…"

Kelly smiled as he grabbed the wash cloth from the side. "Good?"

"Nice," he said slowly as Kelly soaked the cloth.

Gently Kelly started to wash Matt, shampooing his short hair, being careful not to get any in his eyes as he rinsed it. He washed his whole body, carefully dragging the cloth over his skin. Matt's legs had gained some muscle tone back, but they still didn't seem like his own, except for the scar he'd had on his knee ever since Kelly had met him.

Afterwards he wrapped him in a towel, and helped him to dress, trying not to interfere when he watched Matt slowly put on his clothes, he needed to do it himself, and he wanted to do it himself.

"You look good," Kelly told him, although he was still struggling with his weight.

Matt looked at him, eyes wide, questioningly.

"Healthier," Kelly continued, smiling.

He replied hesitantly. "Thanks..?"

Kelly's smile remained.

"You look good too," he responded, struggling to keep his eyes focused on Kelly. That happened a lot. His eyes would wander, and he wasn't able to maintain eye contact for long, if at all.

"Would you like to stay up and watch some TV, or are tired?" Kelly asked. He learnt to speak slower, making sure each word was clear, and he'd always give Matt plenty of time to think and respond.

"Ok," he responded quietly.

"Movie?"

Matt nodded.

"I'll make some popcorn, will you have some?"

He shook his head.

"Is there any food you want?"

"No, don't need," Matt answered.

"You're not hungry? Don't you wanna get rid of that tube?"

"I'm not hungry," he said.

"I eat when I'm not hungry, I'm gonna have the popcorn even though I'm not hungry."

"Stop!" Matt yelled suddenly.

Kelly swallowed, knowing it was best to overreact when Matt became agitated. It happened so often that he was already used to his outbursts, but Kelly was still quite persistent when talking to Matt, or doing activities with him, knowing it was good to get him thinking and doing things, wanting to help him recover.

Matt frowned. He was sitting in the bathroom on the closed toilet seat, he couldn't remember how he got to the bathroom, and he didn't understand the expression on Kelly's face. His head felt full and heavy, he was struggling to hold it up and his eyes just wanted to close. He was exhausted. He could see Kelly's lips moving, but he couldn't understand, and suddenly he was being helped up to his feet, but his knees buckled and he fell forwards into strong arms and the next thing he knew, he was in the lounge, lying in bed, with Kelly smiling at him.

"You want the light off?" Kelly asked him.

Matt didn't know so he didn't respond. "S… sorry."

"It's ok. What's wrong?"

"I… I… don't, don't know?"

"How are you feeling?" Kelly asked, wondering if it was an easier question.

"Weird," he responded.

"Weird, oh, hmm, would a hug help?"

"Ok," he accepted.

Severide wrapped his arms around him, and he relaxed into the embrace. Soon their breaths were simultaneous and Matt focused on Kelly's steady heartbeat, it was soothing and the feeling he had started to drift away.


	28. Visitor

Doris and Kelly were out walking along the lakeside with Matt when the weather started to turn. They sat around a spare table at the window and Kelly went and got them some drinks. Doris and Matt were talking when he arrived back at the table with a couple of coffees and a bottle of water. He wasn't sure if Matt would drink it or not, they were having small battles every day to make sure Matt was drinking enough, but the option was there if he was thirsty.

Matt knocked Kelly's mug, Doris caught it in time so it didn't spill, but she couldn't do anything to stop Matt's attack. His dystonia seemed to be lessening, time between attacks was growing, his muscles spasms had lessened, and his arms and hands were maintaining a normal posture. At times his hands and fingers still cramped, but there were no more unnatural twisting movements unless he was having an attack.

His own arm was currently slamming against his chest as his muscles cramped and spasmed. He groaned, entirely aware of what was happening but unable to stop it.

There was a small boy in the queue looking curiously at Matt. "What's wrong with him?"

His mother took his hand and sharply pulled him closer to herself. "Come here. Stay away from him, he's retarded," she said without even trying to whisper.

Kelly locked eyes with the woman and was about to say something when Doris placed her hand on his arm. His attention turned back to Matt. He'd relaxed now but there was a tear falling down his cheek.

"It's ok, you're fine, it's over," Kelly reassured him with a smile.

Matt gazed at him. He was exhausted and he just wanted to go home and now Kelly looked sad. He didn't know how to make him feel better, he was too tired to thinks straight, thoughts just whirled straight out of his head as he tried to grasp at them.

Kelly leant across the table and wiped a small strand of saliva from Matt's chin.

"The weather's calmed down, shall we head back to the car?" Kelly suggested, taking one final gulp of coffee.

Matt wanted to apologise but he remained silent as Doris responded, and suddenly they were back outside. Matt took control of his chair, not listening to anything that was said, and he followed Kelly as Doris stayed by his side.

She said goodbye to them both when they reached the parking lot, Matt barely acknowledged her.

* * *

Matt had still not said anything by the time they arrived home. Kelly wasn't sure if it was because he was tired, or he was still thinking about the mother's harsh words, and anger rose up inside Kelly as the scene replayed inside his own head.

Kelly made his way over to Matt who'd sat down on one of the dining table chairs. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to him. "Hey, are you ok? You seem… off?"

Matt looked at him.

"Are you feeling all right?"

He used the communication device to respond. _"I'm sorry."_

Kelly frowned. "Why? What's wrong?"

He pointed to his own chest.

"You? You're wrong?"

_"I'm sorry."_

"Oh, Matt, no… you've been really sick, you're still recovering. You don't need to apologise for anything," Kelly assured him.

Matt was looking at him sadly now, he couldn't hide any of his emotions anymore.

"You're getting better every day, Matt. You were walking on your own in physio yesterday," Kelly reminded him, smiling. "I'm sorry that I can't make this easier for you, I can't imagine what all this has felt like to you."

Matt opened his mouth to reply but it took a moment for the words to come. "I d… don't re… re… re…"

"Remember?"

"Remember," Matt repeated. "Want… I want to."

"I can tell you? Would you like me to tell you what happened?"

"I'm scared," Matt whispered.

"To know what happened?"

He nodded. "There's… erm…. there's something in me? My head? It's scary."

"You were really sick. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, took a while to figure it out," Kelly responded.

Unconsciously Matt rubbed his wrist, it didn't go unnoticed by Kelly.

"You were having seizures, but they didn't know why, and you started seeing things, hearing things, things that weren't really there. It must have been really scary for you. You were very worried about me," Kelly told him. "And then you got sicker and they could see what was wrong, you stayed in a couple of hospitals and saw a lot of doctors and nurses. But now, you're on the mend. You've got to keep getting some treatment for a few more months and you'll need to keep taking some medication for a while so it won't happen again."

"What?"

"It's called autoimmune encephalitis. Your own body was attacking your brain, it thought you were sick so it tried to help, but it attacked healthy cells so now you're recovering from a brain injury, so things can be really confusing, and your memory is still recovering too. Does that make sense?" he asked, giving Matt some time to take in everything he'd said. It was a lot.

"Hurt my head…"

Kelly nodded.

Matt looked at Kelly for the longest moment. "Are you… are you sad?"

"I have been sad, but I'm happy you're home."

"Ok…" he responded, then he muttered something that Kelly didn't understand.

"Huh, what?"

"Bathroom," Matt said, gazing ahead.

"You need the toilet?" he asked, standing up.

Matt nodded

He couldn't help smiling. "Want me to help you walk? Or you want the chair?"

"I went," Matt said quietly after a moment.

"Oh, no worries, we'll be quicker next time," he responded.

"Sorry?"

"No, it's really good that you knew you needed to go. Really good," Kelly told him, smiling. "I'll help you change."

* * *

Matt was still not eating; he was still relying on the NG tube, which he was pulling out every so often, meaning extra trips to the hospital to get it replaced. The tube needed changing every three weeks when Matt wasn't pulling it out, which wasn't ideal, especially now he was home. His weight gain had also plateaued and he was still underweight, and was not eating no matter what Kelly tried. He would ignore food put in front of him and turn his head away if Kelly offered him something from his own plate.

Kelly was still currently in control of Matt's medical and financial decisions, although Matt was being regularly reassessed, and other than medical expenses, which were mainly covered with insurance, Kelly had fortunately not needed to make any financial decisions on his behalf. He'd made a few medical decisions now though, and made another; agreeing with Matts care team that a gastrostomy tube was the next best thing to do. It would be better tolerated than the NG tube and it would not need to be replaced for eight months, although everyone remained hopeful that the situation would improve by then, although there were concerns that this was now a psychological problem and not a physical issue.

The day of the procedure arrived quickly, Matt wasn't worried, everything seemed to pass by in a blur for him. It was confusing at times, but more often than not, he just went with it, happily trusting those around him. Kelly on the other hand was nervous, but of course, for Matts sake, was trying not to show it. Was this the right decision or should he be trying to find someone to help with Matts head if he really wasn't eating because there was a psychological reason? Matts team reasoned that either way, he was still pulling his NG tube out and still needed long term enteral nutrition so the G tube was the best option now.

"Ok, Matt, we're going to give you some medication so you're not in any pain, you'll feel sleepy, but it's not gonna put you to sleep like general anaesthetic," the doctor explained. They'd gone over it a few times now.

"Happy, baby?" Kelly was running a hand through his short hair.

Matt nodded.

"All right, you'll see Kelly again in about an hour," the doctor said.

"Ok," Matt responded, eyes drifting.

"Do you want your music on?" Kelly asked him. He'd already checked with the doctor, who thought it would be a good idea if Matt did want to have his headphones and noise cancelling headset on.

Matt nodded.

"Ok, I'll leave them with you and the nurse will sort it all out for you, all right?"

"Ok."

Kelly smiled, giving Matt a small wave too. "I'll see you later."

"Bye."

Kelly left, taking one final look at Matt. The nurse was now talking to him and he was smiling so the worry Kelly felt lessened a fraction. He went outside, getting some fresh air, and he was able to pace about without disturbing anyone in the waiting room.

* * *

Matt was able to go home a few hours after the procedure. Kelly had been shown how to care for the G tube, and all the equipment, and what to do if there were any complications. Matt was still groggy from the sedative during the car ride home but he was comfortable and didn't seem unhappy.

Inside, Kelly slipped an arm under Matt's legs, and one behind his back. He lifted him out of the chair and gently lay him down on the bed. He left him to rest for a while, checking on him periodically, and by the evening Matt was his usual self so Kelly dug out a jigsaw puzzle that Doris had given them. It was fairly difficult but together they managed to get most of the edge completed before Matt grew tired again.

The next day, there was a knock at the door. Kelly hadn't been expecting anyone.

Kelly opened the door and was surprised to see the man who was now standing in front of him. "Herrmann?"

"Look, I know you said not to come but, well, I'm here, can I come in?" he responded.

"Matt's resting," Kelly told him, standing defensively in the door frame.

"I can wait, gonna let me in?"

Kelly swallowed. "He's… he's still sick."

"Like recovering from a brain injury, I get it, you don't need to hide him from the world," Herrmann said.

"The world's cruel," he responded simply.

"Am I?"

Kelly let out a soft sigh. "No," he said, dipping his head. He moved out the way as he continued, "He's in the lounge."

Herrmann stepped past him and headed to the lounge. He smiled as he entered. Matt was propped up on the bed, gazing at the large TV screen, Herrmann recognised the show as something his younger kids watched occasionally.

"Hi, Lieutenant," he greeted.

Matt didn't acknowledge him, but Kelly was in the room now and he switched off the TV, explaining how Matt needed no background noises to concentrate fully, especially when he was tired. He then moved away.

"Hi, Casey," Herrmann tried again.

This time Matt looked at him.

"Hey," Herrmann said, smiling.

"Hey," Matt repeated.

"Good to see you," Herrmann told him.

He frowned. "Good?"

"You've been missed," Herrmann explained.

"Ok," he said, unable to maintain eye contact.

"Can I sit down?"

"Ok," Matt answered.

Herrmann sat down at the end of the bed. "How are you doing, Matt?"

Matt didn't respond.

Herrmann looked around and spotted a book on the side. "Have you been reading that? It's one of my favourites."

Matt looked at Herrmann for a moment before his eye contact dropped. "Ss… sorry…" he muttered.

"Nothing to be sorry for," Herrmann responded.

Matt was frowning. "Don't understand."

"That's ok," Herrmann told him, giving him a smile. "Wanna hear about some calls 81 has been on?"

Kelly had wanted to step in and stop Herrmann, he'd not talked about the firehouse much at all, but Matt smiled and he realised the only reason he'd been avoiding the subject was because he didn't want to upset or frustrate him. He saw how wrong he'd been though when he watched the interest on Matt's face as Herrmann began to recall several incidents from the past few months. At times Matt struggled to keep up with Herrmann, and he rarely responded accept to smile or nod, but he seemed genuinely happy to listen to Herrmann.

Kelly left them to it, Matt didn't need someone to babysit him, or filter things, so he went upstairs and gave them some privacy.


	29. Molly's

A month passed by, the rental wheelchair had been returned, Matt was walking unassisted, and besides the odd stumble, the was little evidence that he'd been unable to stand on his own a few months back. He'd just started reading a young adult book, his speech had come on immensely, but there were still setbacks, things weren't perfect. His short term memory, although better than it had been, was not always great, but Kelly and Doris were always on hand to remind him to take his medications, and would repeat things to him without getting inpatient that he'd not remember simple things like whether he'd brushed his teeth, or remind him why things were the they were now, and they'd make sure he got to his appointments on time.

Kelly had initially found caring for Matt much more difficult than he'd thought it would be, he wanted to create the best environment he could for Matts recovery and he'd been trying his best to be positive all of the time, not wanting Matt to see the toll everything was taking on him, but it was exhausting and there was a limit to the smiles he had when he was feeling down. Doris' help was a welcome relief, he knew that Matt's mood swings and agitation weren't directed towards him personally but it was still hard. Matt asks if he's all right, but he can't tell him that he isn't, because he doesn't want Matt to worry, but it wasn't so easy to hide as Matt was growing more aware of everything around him. But how could he be the one struggling when Matt was the one who had been so ill? He spoke to the Chaplain about it on several occasions, but he still felt guilty for what he thought were selfish thoughts.

His crew could see he needed a break, and they didn't blame him for it, or think any less of him. With Boden's help, who coordinated timings with Doris, they organised a guys night out, nothing like Kelly would have done when he was younger, but they wanted to give him a chance to take a breather, have a drink and chill without having to worry about much. Afterwards, they'd never mentioned how Kelly had cried, drowning his worries and sadness into only his third drink of the evening, or how he'd gone on a thirty-two minute speech professing how much he loved Matt, or how he'd ended up throwing up on Capp's shoes in the early hours of the morning.

A week later, Kelly had his arm wrapped around Matts waist as they walked into Molly's together. Everyone was pleased to see Matt, but it got too much for him as the night went on. The noise that had been overwhelming when he'd first stepped through the door hadn't gone away, and the bar had only become busier now that the hour was growing later. He couldn't concentrate on anything Kelly was saying so he would just nod and force a smile, knowing Kelly wanted to be here since he was the one who'd suggested it in the first place.

Face after face had been appearing in front of him, everything was too fast though, the music, the movement, the sound of glasses clinking, bottles being opened, the tap in the back room dripping, the door catching… he slammed his hands over his ears. He could hear his own breaths, hear his heart beating. Everything was muffled now and Kelly was looking right at him, holding his forearms. He was saying something but Matt could only see his lips moving.

"Are you ok?" Kelly asked him, although it was clear Matt was not ok, and he hadn't been since they'd arrived.

Matt was gazing at him, with his hands still clasped tightly to his head.

"Baby…" he tried, not wanting to forcefully pull Matt's arms away. He looked around, feeling as though people were watching, and they were. "Matt, it's ok, you're ok…"

Matt closed his eyes.

Kelly could see his lips moving, but he wasn't speaking, he was moaning. Herrmann was tapping Kelly on the shoulder to get his attention now.

Herrmann suggested they went into the back room where it would be quieter. Kelly agreed, not knowing if it would help or not, but he was willing to try anything.

Soon Matt was sitting down on an old bar stool, Herrmann gave him a warm smile and then moved away.

Matt already seemed more relaxed, his hands were no longer clamped over his ears, but he was still moaning quietly, Kelly wasn't sure if he was trying to speak, but his eyes were glazed, gazing down at the floor.

"Kenny... he doesn't like lots of noise, takes himself away when it all gets too much," Herrmann told Kelly simply. "Take all the time you need," he added before leaving the room and closing the door.

Kelly took a mental note of the new information but focused back on Matt. "Is it better in here?" he asked, taking his hand as he bent down in front of him.

Matt didn't say anything, so Kelly just waited.

"How you doing?" Kelly asked again after a while.

He hadn't been expecting a response, but Matt nodded.

"What happened, baby? Too much too soon?"

Matt shrugged.

"Do you want to go home?"

"I'm sorry," he muttered, face scrunched up, tears in his eyes.

"It's fine, Matt, it's ok," Kelly tried to reassure him, although he wasn't sure anything would.

Matt shook his head.

"C'mon, let's get outta here, you must be exhausted."  
  


* * *

Less than a week after the incident at Molly's, Matt ended up in the ER with a broken arm, it had been clear it was broken the moment Kelly saw it, the bone had snapped and could be seen easily, the paramedics had been surprised it hadn't pierced through his skin. Kelly was sitting next to him in the small bay, there was a bright orange splint on Matt's arm, and dried tear tracks on his face. They'd given him some painkillers during the ambulance ride, but they were wearing off now and Kelly could hear Matt starting to cry again. He'd been in agony when he'd landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. Kelly had never seen him in so much pain, or at least he'd never seen Matt express how much pain he really felt.

Kelly stepped out the bay and looked around, wanting to get Matt some more painkillers because they were still waiting for an x-ray. He spotted the nurse who had been seen them earlier on and called him over, telling the man that Matt was in pain. They gave him some more painkillers, which made him sleep through the x-ray.

Back in the bay, with the bright orange splint still on his left arm, Matt rolled his head over to Kelly.

"How you doing?" Kelly said. He was holding an ice pack to the right side of Matts face, it was swollen and had already started to bruise, but miraculously his glasses had survived the fall.

"Mmm…"

"Are you in any pain?" Kelly asked him. They'd given him a third lot of painkillers when he'd returned from the x-ray.

Matt shook his head.

"Good, let me know if that changes," he said.

"Uh huh… much better now," Matt mumbled.

"Yeah, it's a really bad break, think I would have passed out," Kelly told him. "Almost did just lookin' at it."

"Sorry…"

Kelly just smiled. "Remember what happened?"

"Fell," he said simply, letting his head roll in Kelly's direction.

"Do you know why?"

"Tripped? Dunno… stupid body…"

"Only an accident," Kelly responded.

"Body's stupid, thought I was sick but I wasn't…" he pointed out, slurring his words.

"Yeah, true, I have no counter argument," Kelly retorted teasingly. "It is beautiful though."

"Wha… is?"

"Your body," Kelly said.

Matt flushed and grinned. "Shu… up…"

He chuckled.

Matt's eyes wandered. "Home?"

"Home?" Kelly repeated, brows raised. "Matt, your bone is close to piercing through your skin. Someone from ortho is looking at your x-rays, you'll probably need surgery."

Matts face fell. "No…"

"Yeah, but it's ok, it'll be fine. Shay is at the house at the moment, picking up some of your things. Getting your phone so you can listen to some music too," Kelly told him. "Why don't you try and get some rest now? I know it's kinda noisy but you must be exhausted now."

Matt nodded wearily.

Kelly grabbed the noise cancelling headset from the clear bag they'd put Matt's clothes in. "Here, this will help, and I'll wake you when the doctor comes to see you, all right?"

He grabbed Kelly's wrist as he slipped the headset over his ears, the ER was noisy even though they were tucked away in a small bay. Kelly smiled and put his arm down on the bed, letting Matt keep a light hold of his wrist until he drifted off to sleep.  
  


* * *

Something was pulling Matt from the comforting lull of sleep. Disgruntled, he opened his eyes and saw Kelly holding his noise cancelling headset, and there was an unfamiliar face next to him.

"S'all right, baby, you're in the ER. You broke your arm," Kelly reminded him, slipping his glasses on.

Matt nodded.

"Hi, Matt, I'm an orthopaedic surgeon, I've been looking at your x-rays and you are going to need surgery," the doctor explained simply.

Matt looked to Kelly and shook his head.

"It's not really an option I'm afraid," the surgeon continued. "We're going to get you admitted now, I want to wait for the swelling to go down, so surgery will be scheduled for tomorrow afternoon."

"Just go home…"

"We need to admit you, that way we can give you pain relief and make sure your arm remains stable, we don't want any complications," the doctor responded.

Matt remained silent so Kelly spoke up. "He hasn't reacted well to anaesthesia in the past."

"I saw that noted in the medical history. We can administer some antiemetics before the surgery as well as after, that should help," the doctor replied. He looked to Matt. "No food after midnight, but do ask for painkillers if needed, it is a very painful break."

"He has a bolus feed through his g-tube… which are at home…"

"That's fine, just let the nurse know and they'll sort it out. Ok, if you've not got any other questions, I'll see you again tomorrow."

"Thank you," Kelly responded. He turned to Matt as the man walked away, he took his hand. "You doing ok?"

Matt shook his head.

"Do you want a hug?"

He smiled.  
  


* * *

Matt had fallen back to sleep when Shay arrived, they were still in the ER waiting to be taken up the orthopaedic ward, his arm was still secured in the bright orange vacuum splint. He'd not let anyone touch it, not wanting it to hurt more than it already did, Kelly had apologised profusely for Matts overuse of the 'f' word when a kind nurse had come to carefully swap the splint for a less temporary one to wait for his surgery.

"Hey you," Kelly said, standing up to greet Shay.

She wrapped her arms around him, bringing him into a gentle embrace. "How are you both doing?" she asked as she moved back.

Kelly just nodded in response.

"I'm used to Matt being quiet, not you," she responded.

"It was my fault," he told her.

"What was?"

"Why he fell down the stairs," he said as if it were obvious.

"I really doubt that."

"He needs surgery because of me," he continued.

"Did you push him?" she asked, brows raised.

"No, course I didn't," he scoffed. "I was… distracted," he continued, looking down at Matt's sleeping form.

"What happened?"

"I went upstairs to put some clothes away, got distracted, he came to find me, I told him not to come in then I heard him… I heard him fall," Kelly said.

"Doesn't seem like it was your fault," she responded.

"I shouldn't have been distracted and I shouldn't have told him to wait," he replied. He'd been sitting upstairs, looking through some photographs that Matt had been intending on putting into frames months ago, he'd found them in the drawer and couldn't help himself. He'd still been flicking through them, feeling melancholy, when Matt called for him.

"Fine. It was your fault," she told him with a shrug.

"It was," he insisted.

"Does Matt blame you?"

"No, but he should," he added.

"Accidents happen."

"He needs surgery. Pretty big accident," he said, shaking his head.

"He'll be all right."

"Will he?"

"Surgery always has a risk, but he'll be all right," she told him. "When's it scheduled for?"

"Tomorrow afternoon," he answered.

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"No," he responded, letting out a sigh. "I mean, thank you, we're good, thanks for being here."

"Always, can I stay for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm gonna go grab a coffee," he said as he stood up.

Matts eyes fluttered open a few moments after Kelly left. Shay watched as he slowly woke, eye lids heavy, brows creased and movements slow.

He gazed at Shay and spoke, but it wasn't understandable.

"Say that again?" she asked softly as he slipped off the noise cancelling headset with his unhurt arm.

"Whyyouhere?" he said, still gazing at her.

"Thanks. Nice to see you too, Matt," she responded, smiling.

"Where here again?" he asked quietly.

"ER," she answered.

"Arm," he recalled.

"Yeah, you fell down the stairs," she told him.

"Remember."

"You in any pain?"

"Kelly?" he questioned.

"He's here, he's getting a drink," she said.

"Thought he'd finally left me, caused too much trouble already…"

"You know, when I first got to know him, I never thought he'd love anyone as much as he loves you," she responded, smiling.

Matt frowned.

"He really loves you," she said simply.

Matt didn't respond, he was too busy watching as a nurse walked past the front of his bay.

"Matt? Are you ok?"

He couldn't explain how he felt, there was almost a sense of deja vu, that he had been here before and it was making him feel sick with worry.

"Matt?" Shay spoke again. Concerned at how much colour had drained from Matts face.

"Hey, you're awake," Kelly's voice came suddenly. He had a smile on his face as he approached Matt. "Got you a Gatorade… are you ok?" he asked Matt, suddenly feeling as concerned as Shay looked.

"Sorry…" Matt replied, his voice barely above the sound of a whisper.

"Baby?" he continued, leaning down so he was at eye level. "Talk to me, tell me how you feel? Do you feel sick? Pain?"

Matt was frowning as he thought. "I feel… I feel… I don't feel safe? But I'm… I'm not _not_ safe? I… don't know… I feel sick…"

"Physically sick?" he asked, because he'd had concerns that being in a hospital would bring back memories.

Matt shook his head.

"Ok. Well, that's ok," Kelly said, taking Matts hand. "You were in the hospital a lot, had a few trips to the ER whilst you were sick. It was really confusing at the time, erm… so maybe your brain is remembering stuff from then."

"I wasn't safe?"

"Erm…" Kelly hesitated. He hadn't explained the paranoia to Matt yet, not wanting to overcomplicate the explanation about why he was sick. "Well, when you first started getting really sick, you had a lot of worried thoughts… paranoid thoughts."

Matt look down at the bed. "I went to a few hospitals, you said... right? Did you say that?"

"Yeah, they erm… they thought it was all in your head. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry," Matt said.

"Oh, no, you don't need to apologise, you never need to apologise…"

"What did I do?" he asked Kelly quietly, still looking down at the bed. Maintaining eye contact and taking in lots of visual information when he tried to focus was exhausting so a lot of the time he preferred to just listen as that was tiring enough on its own.

"What do you mean?"

"I was paranoid? Did I hurt someone?"

"No," Kelly told him immediately.

"You're lying?" he responded, looking at Kelly's expression briefly.

"You attacked some hospital staff, but you didn't hurt them," Kelly explained as though it wasn't a big deal.

"I was locked up?" he asked, fiddling with the bed cover

Kelly nodded, he knew Matt was going to want more details eventually, and he knew he was going to end up repeating things to him as well. "Yeah."

"How long before I was actually sick?"

"You were always sick, but it took a while for them to figure out what was really going on… are you ok?"

"I'm missing time…"

"You were really sick, Matt. You were having seizures, catatonic phases, paranoia, you were struggling to walk and communicate."

"Maybe I don't want to remember then… I feel sick now… and what did I do? I… I did stuff?"

"It wasn't you, your brain was… malfunctioning, everyone knows that," Kelly told him sincerely.

Matt looked up from the bed. "51?"

"You had a seizure at the firehouse, pretty early on, erm… and then you were on sick leave, you got worse after," Kelly explained, worried this was all going to be too much for Matt. It was a lot of information.

Shay spoke up, seeing the worried look on Matts face, and the lost look in his eyes. "Most of the time, Matt, you were just really worried about keeping Kelly safe."

"I was?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Guess that's not so bad…"

"You want us to give you some space? Bit of alone time? We can go outside," Kelly asked him.

"S'ok. I'm… think I'm ok," he responded.

"Do you still feel anxious?"

He nodded.

"Can offer you some music?"

He shook his head. "Can we go home?"

"I'm sorry, Matt, you need surgery tomorrow, but you should be able to go home after."

"Home tomorrow?" he asked tiredly.

"I can't say for certain, but hopefully tomorrow," Kelly responded. Matt still preferred yes or no answers, they were far easier to comprehend than maybes.

"Ok, that's ok then…"


	30. Surgery

Shay had left when Matt was taken up to the orthopaedic ward, but Kelly remained. An orderly had turned up with a smile and a wheelchair which prompted a bewildered expression on Matt's face.

He looked to Kelly. "That's not mine," he said quietly, looking uneasy.

"No we gave yours back, remember? You didn't need it anymore."

"Mmm…"

Matt looked uncertain so Kelly placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm coming with you, all right?"

"All right," he repeated but he looked no less uncertain.

Kelly knelt down in front of Matt once he was sitting in the wheelchair. "It's gonna be ok, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart," Kelly told him.

Once in the hospital room on the orthopaedic ward, Kelly helped Matt to settle in, draping a blanket that smelt like home over his lap, and swapping the hospital pillows for his own. Shay had brought along the communication device that Matt needed less and less now, and a large bag of items, including the weighted blanket that Kelly had bought for him recently, along with a few other pillows and some of the soft throws that Matt loved to hold. Matt would often walk around the house with one draped over his shoulders, using his arms to wrap it around his body, it wasn't an unusual sight to see him with them and he'd often pull them over his head and curl up on the couch now that their bed was back upstairs, it had been taken apart once again and put back together by Kelly, Capp and Tony only a few days ago.

They tried to replace the bright orange splint again once Matt was sleeping, but he woke as soon as he was touched and it took a while for Kelly to calm him down, he'd offered him the communication device because Matt was only managing to swear repeatedly, but Matt didn't want it. He was scared and annoyed at the entire situation and he didn't have the capacity to hide how he felt.

Kelly sat back after a while and waited for Matt to settle, and he did eventually; too tired, and body now starting to feel sore from the fall.

"Are you ok?" Kelly asked him softly, studying Matts expression.

Matts eyes found his momentarily.

"You ok?" Kelly repeated.

Matt nodded wearily.

"Do you know where we are?"

"Hospital," he answered glumly.

"Not all bad, they've said I can stay with you overnight," Kelly told him, there was an advantage to being a first responder, and he imagined part of the reason was that Matt responded better to him rather than anyone else, so he was more likely to be cooperative.

Matt remained gazing at him, unfocused.

"You're tired," Kelly stated. He looked at the time then continued, "You can't eat anything after midnight, think you can manage some scrambled egg?"

Scrambled egg was the only thing Kelly had managed to persuade Matt to eat in the past few weeks, but it was better than nothing, and once his recovery progressed some more, therapy sessions would begin because Matt could physically eat, Kelly was convinced he was worried about choking, but he'd not brought his google searches up in their conversations with the doctor, it was something that would be dealt with eventually, and Matt was getting all the nutrients and energy he needed though the g-tube.

"Matty, scrambled egg?" Kelly repeated.

"No, thank you."

"Ok, think you can sleep, or do you want me read, or we could watch something?"

"Can sleep, tired, sorry…"

"No, sleep is good," Kelly told him. "Comfortable? Warm enough?"

"Hmm… sorry…"

Kelly smiled. "Get some rest, baby."

"Hmm…"

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Matt was worried before the surgery, he'd been in and out of a fitful sleep all day and the waiting only made him more nervous. Kelly remained with him until the last possible moment, but he found he couldn't sit still in the waiting area so he got up and paced for a short while before heading down to the gift shop on the first floor, it was a good distraction and he bought a few things for Matt.

Kelly had received several messages, all well wishes for Matt, but he couldn't bring himself to respond to them yet, he'd sent Doris a message earlier on, letting her know that Matt would be going into surgery soon, but couldn't manage any other messages. He just wanted to see Matt out of surgery and awake again.

He was anxiously sitting in the surgical waiting area, with the gifts he'd bought for Matt, when the surgeon came out.

"Hi, Kelly," the man began. "Matt did really well in the surgery, he's in the recovery room at the moment, the nurse will get you when you can go and see him."

"He did good?"

"The surgery was a success," the surgeon confirmed with a nod.

"Thank you, thank you…"

The man smiled, nodding his appreciation and turned away, leaving Kelly standing in the room, a feeling of relief washing over him.  
  


* * *

Kelly was sitting vigilantly by Matts side for almost an hour before he woke in the recovery room. He watched as his nose wrinkled and his eye lids fluttered, he stroked Matts arm reassuringly as he woke. The nurse had informed Kelly that Matt had woken briefly before but had been confused, which was understandable.

"Hey, you…" he greeted softly once Matt was aware of his surroundings.

"Kel…"

"How you doing?" Kelly asked him, gently running a hand through Matts short hair.

Matt closed his eyes, comforted by Kelly's touch. "Mmm… good…"

"Comfortable?"

"Soft…" he muttered, his fingers grazing against the blanket Kelly had placed over the standard issue hospital sheet.

"Good, I found something in the gift shop for you… now, don't' get too excited, I think it's actually a llama…"

"You found an alpaca?" Matt asked, opening his eyes and smiling widely.

Kelly smiled back. "I did…"

"You're so cool…" he slurred out, still grinning.

Kelly chuckled.

"CanIhavehim?"

"Close your eyes," Kelly told him playfully.

Matt pouted. "Not five…"

"Dunno, Matt, this is a stuffed toy…" he teased.

Matt huffed but closed his eyes.

"Open."

Matt was met with a large white fluffy toy when he opened his eyes. He smiled.

"Better than your giant penguin?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

"Don't tell Shay though," Kelly warned him, knowing the penguin had been a gift from her some time ago.

"Lips are sealed."

"She thinks I'm the one with the alpaca obsession, thinks I took the opportunity of you being in the hospital to put out all my alpaca themed things," he informed Matt.

Matt chuckled. "I can live with that."

"How's your head doing?" Kelly asked him softly when his smile fell.

He didn't reply right away. "Did I freak out on you?"

"You're allowed to freak out. What you went through… what you're still recovering from… it was pretty crazy," Kelly said.

"Literally," he commented.

"Huh?"

"I was literally crazy…"

"You've gone a shade paler. You gonna be sick?" Kelly asked him quickly.

He nodded and moved so he wasn't lying flat on his back. He groaned, taking a sharp intake of breath as he put weight on his newly fixed broken arm.

Kelly shot into action, helping him sit up and quickly putting an emesis basin within range. He'd been prepared for this, but he hoped this reaction to the anaesthesia wasn't too bad since they'd given Matt some antiemetics.

Matt gagged and retched but only threw up bile, having had nothing since the day before. "M'ok… m'ok…" he insisted as he sank back down into the bed.

"Yeah… you are," Kelly responded softly, smiling.

"What's that mean?" he asked, gazing at him, voice a little strained.

"I was… I was very worried I wouldn't get you back," Kelly admitted as he wiped Matts mouth. 

"Didn't go anywhere, promise," he responded, smiling wearily up at Kelly. "Do you hate that I don't remember?"

Kelly shook his head. "No, and they said you probably wouldn't remember most of it, you might remember bits and pieces but that'll be it."

"Should scare me more but I'm tired now…"

Kelly smiled again. "Close your eyes and sleep then, you idiot."

* * *

Matt felt significantly better when he next woke, until he opened his eyes and realised he was in a room he didn't recognise, his heart started to race and it felt as though ice was flowing through his veins. He pushed himself up, ignoring the throb of pain from his arm. Where was Kelly? Something bad had happened to him, he knew it. Something bad had happened.

The door opened and he shot back to the head of the bed, expecting something bad.

"Hey, you're awake… what's wrong?"

"Kel?"

"What's happened?"

"I… I don't know," Matt responded, eyes panicked.

"Ok… that's ok… you don't look very relaxed?"

Matt shook his head.

Kelly took his hand. "You're in the hospital, you broke your arm when you fell down the stairs at home."

"I'm in the hospital. I broke my arm falling…"

"You're going to be ok," Kelly said.

"I'm gonna be ok," he repeated, gazing ahead, listening to Kelly's soothing voice.

"They moved you into this room because it was quieter, but we can go home in an hour or so," Kelly explained.

"I can leave?"

"Yeah, we'll be going home soon," Kelly reassured him.

"Ok, that's ok then… why does everything hurt?"

"You fell down the stairs, you're gonna be bruised and sore for a while."

It was then that Matt's face scrunched up and he started to cry. "I'm not ok…" he sobbed.

"Can I join you in the bed?"

Matt nodded fervently as the tears kept flowing. Quickly, and carefully, Kelly pulled the side of the bed down and moved close to Matt, he was half hanging off the bed until he managed to gently move Matt over. He had his arms wrapped around him now, rocking him soothingly back and forth as the tears slowly stopped.

"Sorry…" Matt muttered, sniffling as he settled his head under Kelly's chin.

"Been a tough couple of days."

"Tough life…" Matt mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Nothing."


	31. Bathtub

Matt woke in a cocoon of blankets and bed covers, he stretched and turned over, only to remember how uncomfortable it was on his other side because of the cast on his arm.

"Good morning," Kelly's voice entered his mind.

"Mmm…"

"You look very cosy," Kelly said.

He nodded in response as he opened his eyes to find Kelly's face only a few millimetres from his own. He scrunched his eyes, his vision was blurry.

"Glasses?"

"Wha…"

Kelly knew it took Matt a while to wake after a long sleep, and he had slept solidly for almost twelve hours, so he just watched him for a short while, smiling because at one point he wasn't sure he'd ever get to lie in bed next to the man he loved again.

"Why does everything hurt?" Matt groaned as he slipped his glasses on after first poking himself in the eye with them.

"Falling down a flight of stairs tends to hurt," he responded.

Matt moaned.

"I'm gonna make myself some breakfast, would you like some?"

"I am hungry," he admitted, frowning.

"Eggs? Or we can make some soggy cereal…"

Matt made a disgusted face.

"No soggy cereal?"

"That's disgusting," Matt said.

"I think there's some oats at the back of the cupboard. Porridge? Warm, soft…"

"I… I don't know… I… sorry…"

"It's ok… it's ok… you chill here, I'll get your meds sorted and you can decide after," Kelly told him.

"Sorry…"

"It really is ok," he assured Matt.

Matt shook his head. "I'm difficult."

"Difficult? No, baby, you're not difficult at all. Quicker for us to sort a bolus feed than make a nice cooked breakfast, and less washing up. You're not difficult."

Kelly came back with the prepared steroid saving oral suspension. He would need to keep take CellCept for almost a year now, but he had finished his weekly rituximab infusions at the hospital but they'd still be going there for a month cyclophosphamide infusion for another four months. Matt didn't mind the visits. The nurses were friendly and he and Kelly, or Doris if his appointment fell on a day where Kelly was working, would watch YouTube videos, play games or read, or he'd simply sleep. He still slept a lot, spending more hours sleeping in a day than awake but that was still to be expected.

"All done," Kelly announced after giving Matt his medication through the g-tube.

Matt pull his pyjama top back down and smiled. "I think I will have porridge, please."

Kelly smiled. "I'll go get it started whilst you get dressed."

"Think it's a pyjama day," Matt replied.

"Ok, I'll see you downstairs," he said, leaning forwards and giving Matts forehead a gentle kiss.  
  


* * *

Matt was cosied up on the couch later that day. Kelly had made a fire on and he was grateful, he liked to watch the flames flicker and the smell was oddly comforting. It reminded him of sitting by the small fire with Doris and her husband when he was younger. It had been one of his only essentials when he'd been house hunting; a real fireplace.

Kelly was gazing at him with a small frown on his face, studying Matts expression, he seemed sad, but there was something else there too.

"Hey, what's goin' on in that head of yours?" Kelly asked.

Matt turned to him. "Huh?"

"What are you thinking?"

"I was sick and I didn't know it, I didn't understand it? I could've… I could have died and…" he trailed off, thoughts still whirling around his head.

"And what?"

"I would have told you that I loved you," Matt said.

"You did, you did, Matt," he told him.

"Would you forget me? I lost myself… would you lose me?"

"No, never," Kelly assured him. "What else are you worried about?"

"Erm… I'm having weird thoughts… dreams?"

"Scary dreams? Nightmares?" Kelly asked, waning to understand.

"I don't know," he said quietly.

Kelly took his hand. "About being sick?"

"Don't know… I see stuff and forget? I… I don't understand?" he responded, trying to focus on Kelly's face.

"That's ok, I don't understand the stuff in my head sometimes," Kelly told him.

"You have bad dreams?"

"Sometimes," Kelly answered.

"Real ones?"

"What do you mean?"

"The stuff in your nightmares, did they really happen?" Matt asked him

"Yeah sometimes, or sometimes it's a bit a different to what actually happened, or it's just a bad dream and isn't real," Kelly said.

"I don't know what's real or not…" A single tear made its way down Matts cheek.

Kelly brought him into a hug and held him. "You can ask me. I will never lie to you, Matt."

After a short while Matt moved, pulling away from Kelly's hold. He gazed at Kelly. "Did we go away?"

"Yeah, I took you to my dad's cabin," he said.

Matt frowned. "The cops?"

"You were arrested," Kelly told him.

Matt gazed at him. "You're not joking?"

"No. They arrested you for causing a disturbance, but because you fell from the roof, they handed you over to the paramedics and didn't bother with any paperwork."

"I fell? I don't remember falling… there was metal on my wrists and I was cold… I don't remember you?"

"I was there but you didn't realise at the time," Kelly explained.

"I fell from the roof?"

Kelly nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"It was scary, but I shouldn't have taken you to the cabin," Kelly told him.

"Why did you?" he asked.

"I thought it would help you but it made everything worse…"

"Why?"

"Shay said you needed professional help, but you didn't get any until you fell from the roof," Kelly explained.

Matt frowned, not sure he was understanding. "Then you did help?"

"Not as soon as I should have, and you got the wrong help, you didn't need psychiatric help, but all your tests had kept coming back saying there was nothing physically wrong and by the time there was… it could have been too late…"

"They held me down," Matt said quietly, thinking. "I think I attacked someone… and I… I couldn't move… I couldn't say anything, there was a movie? I don't want to remember… I don't want to…"

"C'mere…" Kelly drew him into another hug.  
  


* * *

Kelly woke in their dark bedroom, unsure what had woken him, he moved over his left side and put him arm out to hold Matt. His arm fell onto an empty spot on the mattress.

"Matt?" he spoke into the darkness. When he heard nothing, he switched his bedside light on and discovered the room was empty. It was 2am and after what had felt like a physically and emotionally taxing day with Matt, he was exhausted, and he felt guilty when the idea of just staying in bed and falling back to slip appeared in his head.

He dragged himself out of bed, the air in the room was cold, he'd only been wearing his boxers under the heavy duvet. The rest of the house was dark, but he soon found Matt in the bathroom. He'd heard him crying quietly.

"It's me, it's Kelly," he began. "I'm gonna turn the light on."

Matt was curled up in the bath tub and it took Kelly a moment to process the site of him dressed in his pyjamas, sitting in the tub.

"Matt?"

The only response Kelly got was a whimper. A frightened whimper.

"You're at home, Matt. We're in the bathroom," Kelly told him, unsure what he could do to help because he didn't know what had happened. "Can I give you a hug?" he suggested, moving closer to the tub.

Matt shot back.

"Have you had a nightmare?" Kelly asked him quietly, not moving any closer. He couldn't remember a time where Matt didn't have nightmares, but they'd never resulted in him curled up in the bath tub before.

He didn't respond and a thought occurred to Kelly.

"Did… did you hear something?" he said, voice wavering at the thought of Matt suffering from paranoid delusions again, but he'd been warned it was likely to happen as he recovered.

"Kel?" Matt spoke, looking into the distance, unseeing.

"I'm here."

"Kelly?"

"I'm gonna turn the main light on, Matt, ok?" he said, wanting more than just the light from the corridor.

"K…"

Kelly flipped the switched and the room was bathed in a warm glow. "Hey, baby… you're bleeding…" he said quietly, noticing his blood right hand.

"Wha..?"

"Can I have a look?"

Matt was frowning but he didn't move when Kelly came closer. Kelly could see the source of the blood down, it looked like he'd been scratching at his left arm, right above the cast.

"Ok… that's ok, we can clean that up," Kelly told him with a smile. "How come you're camped out in the tub?"

Matt looked away.

"Did you have nightmare?"

He shook his head. "I couldn't wake you, they said they'd hurt you, they were trying to get in," he said, words rushing out.

"Oh, baby… ok, ok, if that happens again, please wake me…"

"They'll hurt you," he cried.

"I'm pretty good at defending myself… and you know how I explained a bit before, about how you were sick, and how it made you really worry about my safety, you were paranoid for a while… do you remember we talked about that?"

Matt nodded.

"And you probably don't remember this, but the doctor said it was likely to happen again at the end of your recovery? It kinda all reverses?"

Matt shook his head.

"That's ok, I didn't think you'd remember that. But that's what's happening now, and it feels so real, and that's ok," Kelly assured him.

"But I heard them?"

Kelly nodded. "Our brains are really good at tricking us, but I will go and check all the house, I'll double check that the doors and windows are locked, yeah?"

"Yes please," he said tiredly.

When Kelly arrived back in the bathroom, he knelt down by the tub. "Ok, can I clean up arm, please? We don't want it get infected and sore."

Matt gazed at him for a moment before nodding. Kelly gave him a smile and went about cleaning the shallow bloody scratches above Matts cast. He used a damp cloth to gently wash Matt's right hand, clearing away the blood.

"There we go, all done," Kelly said, sitting back. "Will you come back to bed with me?"

He shook his head

"Matt, you know you can't stay in the bath tub all night," he told him.

"I can," Matt responded.

"It'll be comfier back in bed."

"Loud."

"It's all right, hardly anyone passing by now, it's almost… 3am," he said after glancing at his watch,"

He shook his head. "The sound's warm in here."

Kelly opened his mouth the reply but he didn't know what to say. He watched Matt for a moment, he looked exhausted, and worried, his eyes were struggling to stay open and his now clean fingers were scratching at his pyjama pants. Kelly watched; was that something Matt had always done when he was anxious or was it new?

"Ok, we'll stay in the bathroom then," Kelly told him, nodding. "Just got to get a few things first."

In a blur of movement, Kelly left and returned, carrying pillows and dragging along blankets and bed covers. Matt was suddenly aware of softness, and he listened to Kelly's instructions and soon found himself in a cocoon of warmth and comfort, and then a heavy weight was draped over him and his eyes flickered closed one last time.

Exhausted now, Kelly sat down on the remaining blankets and put a pillow between his back and the wall, so he could keep on hand in the tub with Matt. He dropped a message to Boden, explaining he may be an hour or so late for work, and then he drifted off to sleep, leaning against the tub, listening to Matts soft breaths, which was how Doris found him in the morning.

"Doris… hey… morning… sorry… overslept…" Kelly greeted her as he blearily got his bearings. He looked at Matt, making sure he was still sleeping soundly in the tub. "Should've messaged you, I'm heading into work later, late night…"

"It's fine. I think I can see why… what happened?"

"He heard something I think, he was a little paranoid…" Kelly explained, stretching; back aching from sleeping against the bathroom wall. He grabbed his phone, and saw a message from Boden telling him to take the whole shift, that he'd get someone to cover him. Kelly felt bad about not wanting to object to the suggestion. He sent his thanks back. "Not going to work at all now; you may as well head back home," he told Doris.

"No. You should get into bed, get some rest, I'll keep an eye on Matt."


End file.
